The New Me

I’ve been very busy lately and also tired. Basically tired because I’ve been clubbing or just out out until 2am. But let’s back in time…like 3 weeks ago.

It’s a humid and wet Summer…in other words, it sucks! If you don’t have air conditioner you will react like my cat…losing hair everywhere. I’m losing hair but at least my hair is growing and now I’m facing the problem to go to a hairstylist. And here I’m. At Second Cup near a big avenue in Ottawa..I bought a cheesecake and a coffee…and now that I’m comfortable with free AC, I will write better.

Since I hung up more and more with my gay friend Jeff, but old bad coffee habits are back, thing I don’t regret that much as I should. There are no girls night out in July, reason why I feel the moral duty to hang out in the Ottawa gay microscopic universe. Jeffrey organized a gay Man of Steel night with half of male gay community. In the same raw I sat with Seamus, also know as Shameless, Eric, Kevin and many other I have no idea. The only thing I will say about the movie is…I didn’t like, I didn’t fine the actor hot as Christopher Reeve and….it was mix of an alien invasion and some other crap…it’s been years since I don’t go to the movie to watch something so….pop…I just watch Cannes or festival films nomination…call me snob but I got little hamster on my brain rolling a wheel of knowledge. I found this event good because now I’m becoming more flexible with myself and with others who don’t have the same movie preferences as me.  Jeff just came from a pool party where Shameless, a tiny skinny gay sold many desserts…the left over were consumed during the movie…he said “Oh come on, this is Ottawa, you can bring your food at the cinema!”.    When the movie finished it was almost midnight, we made a standing circle asking about the movie…everybody said it was ok (geezzz I felt the moral pression and I said the same…but the movie sucks), then, all the guys were saying what they’ll go for vacations, some inside Canada, others around Europe renting some aparts there, living la vida loca…Jeff and me we went for a coffee and long walk at Elgin St, were now became our Head Quarters (you’ll know soon why). We went to Center Pub, also known as CP. I was with Jeff and we went to dance, music wasn’t that bad but it wasn’t good either. The population there is masculine and majority old, you’ll see some twiks but few. There I met Glen, a nice guy gay, Jeff’s friend since a while. After this little party time, we went for a walk. While walking around there Jeff met another gay voleyball man guy, they talked for a while, then he told me all the places he used to work on Elgin St., the flower shop (that looked more like a plant shop, no flowers on exhibition, a little restaurant, a video store (yes, Netflix didn’t kill all video stores in town), resisting miraculously to the power streaming of internet, resisting to die…and with an incredible international movie selection…I felt like fish on the most flamboyant sushi dish. Jeff was telling me all his experiences with his lover at the time and talking about his personal life.

The next day, that means, just hours later my outing with Jeff, I had dinner with my “foster mother”. In fact, she is my ex therapist which I keep in touch and I trying to develop not a friendship but a mother-daughter relationship, since mother role never was the best, well, the model of a mother for me is somebody despotic, manipulative, passive-aggressive. But just before my therapy finished I asked if she could “adopt me” thing she was pleased. Since then, every time I needed to be lifted I called her and she was very supportive or other times she was just listening to me on the phone. Because she is like healthy mother to me I invited a dinner for mother’s day, the problem was she was too busy, I was at school some nights, when she was available, also, her birthday was coming and she took vacations ….anyways, our dinner took like 2 months to be set up. I suggested the College International Restaurant where I studied. I picked her up and I drove her there. My ex therapist got some issues with cars, so I asked her to feel free if she had any problem the way I drive. She said it was ok, as long as she doesn’t take the wheel. The dinner started at 5.30pm and finished at 7pm. I was very open about my feelings…and what was going on with me. I said basically “I changed my life and because of you, you helped me to get out of the hole.You’re like a mother to me, even if you don’t noticed it, with you I’m doing the things  should have done or said to my real mother”. She was very happy, she is a person who really gets happy with simple things, you should see her face when I give her flowers. I added “It isn’t me who gives you the flowers but a kid of 5 years old looking for mommy”, of course I love her but it’s an innocent and pure kid’s love. I’m 39…and yes..somehow, mommy’s research is over with her. Well, not over, I’m learning, thing that I told her “as long as I don’t built that healthy mother-daughter relationship I won’t be able to build or to have a good relationship with any woman”. This is true, my real mom’s and ex’s behavior are pathologically the same…I need to change that pattern…in fact, I’ve already started. After all those personal revelations she started talking more about her personal life. While dinning I offered a glass of wine…but she asked to the waitress for a full bottle…I got a bit nervous, since I don’t drink that much I had to pay attention to my driving but also…I was scared for the invoice!. Her mom and mine’s got issues, the issue of not being behind the wheel was revealed here. Her father drove reckless (now the guy has Alzheimer and lives in a retirement home with assistance), her mother used to tell her to wear nice underwear in case they had an accident and needed to go to a hospital!!! She used to spend her Summer at her grandparents’ farm. She learn how to drive the tractor…but the very first day she drove the machine, something jammed, another farmer try to fix it and put his arm inside….suddenly the machine started and….he lost his arm. She was like 10 and this was a very traumatic event and apparently, there were many others that she didn’t mention it. She talked to her vacations in Bahamas…and she was telling me she started to drink when she was 8. So, 1 bottle was pretty much being under control. At this point I was wondering if she had a problem with alcohol or if alcohol got a problem with her. Me, with one glass I was already happy but not feeling that freedom to talk about my underwear preferences. Around 7 the invoice arrived….93$, I asked her to leave tip…but wooow, the food was good…but never again I will invite her wine.

The week later, I told Jeff, there was a guy gathering in a gay bar downtown. We met there, all people were public servants, Jeff knew most of them, some of the volley group or  friends of his friends. Also, Eric was going and his birthday was just a day ago. Jeff bought him a big chocolate and a card…Eric, who is more effeminate than me was almost on tears…so sensitive guy. Jeff went to say hi to other people and me and Eric were there with our drinks when Eric asked me….”so, are you gay?”….well, I was perplexed and I said “yes, I’m, doesn’t look like?”…he said “well, you never know”. I wasn’t upset but I don’t think I look feminine either, so, until know I don’t know if I should take it as compliment or insult. After being like less than 2 hours, we left and Jeff told me it was Shameless birthday party that night. So, after a little home break, we met again at Elgin st to going to the party. Seamus or Shameless was just turning 50. His background is Scottish but he is such an old lady!!!!. All the stereotypes of a gay guy lady were available at his apartment in downtown. He made a center table with little mirrors, another square furniture also with mirrors, he bought lighting balloons all on the floor, he put candles everywhere, inside glasses, or square glasses, floating on water, in every corner of his apartment, red candles at the kitchen, he put silver fold paper as fake curtains and the music was all 70’s…well, he was 50. He cooked the most orgasmic chocolate brownies you could taste. I’m not a chocolate person, I really don’t like chocolate but I tried because I needed something sweet….it was just unreal that thing. Jeff was cooking and I helped to make potato salad. There I met Michael, originally from Jamaica, another crazy flamboyant pseudo drag queen. Michael was making the punch drink with strawberries and no alcohol. Jeff was looking for more vegetables on the fridge when he found something….Michael pulled it out and screamed like a real woman in shock….”what’s that!!! Oh my God…a sex toy”. Yes, it was a gay toy in the fridge, a kind of anal rubber tube. We were laughing and laughing, Seamus wasn’t that happy…and we were talking pictures and Jeff put some on his Facebook, in fact, he put a banana on it….Seamus had to clean it again and said…”be thankful that it was clean!!!”. That made our night….Jeff had to go and I stayed there. I met Basha, a gay from Iran, who works sometimes in USA and Canada and a Polish background lawyer, I don’t remember his name. We were talking until midnight when we sang happy birthday. The cake had a pie inside, full of chocolate…it was good but the brownie was much better. In total we were like  people and Seamus prepared food for 15. Not many people come but we had fun.

Last Friday we decided to go to a Lesbian night at Look Out bar. I knew people there were very young…but I wasn’t expecting a kindergarden either….it really was. People under 25 wearing caps and “yo” look. Geez, there were like 2 old ladies sitting in the bar and a group of hetero ladies celebrating somebody’s birthday. The music was so…yuck but I just was there for dancing, I didn’t care….Jeff wanted to see his kind of boyfriend (now he is in open relationship with him) and left for a couple of minutes…I was in the balcony and witnessing how Ottawa was so empty in a Friday night. After that, we went to Mercury Lounge…great music, people here were a bit older but still young, group of friends…but really quiet. And finally we went again to CP, nothing there, empty too…so we called Glen and Eric and we met in a patio at 1 am and at 2am we went to Elgin st for having something to eat..There, Jeff said openly to try to find a match for me. Glen said asked me what was my type…butch or femme. I said femme, and he said..I got a friend, she is gorgeous…he showed me her picture…and it was ok but she wasn’t a beauty either. I said I just wanted to meet people and to discover if I had chemistry with somebody. Eric asked “do you want kids?, because I got a femme friend with 2 kids”. Well, I think gay man don’t know much ab out what I’m looking for….they’re already marrying me!!!!. It was a bit difficult to explain at 3am int the morning in a crowed place full of partisans they I wanted to be in a lesbian group, in order to not to be isolated….it was funny.

Since a couple of months, I’m daring more and more…Jeff told me he saw me as mouse…shy, moving slowly but daring, trying new things…this is my new me…I want to explore, I want to be happy, I want to live my gayness…I want to be me.

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