Cleaning Out My Closet

I don’t even remember the last time I posted. 2 weeks ago? or 3? Nobody cares. But many things happened, positive and less positive. Let’s start what my last Girls Night Out.

It was Fatima’s birthday so we decided to go to Caliente, the salsa disco in downtown. Everybody knew about the plans, which basically was: meet in downtown in a restaurant, dancing and then finish early in the morning in a little restaurant for a poutine. I’m still going to the gym not that religiously as before because I changed protein and isn’t that good as the first one I took. Sue called me meet her for a coffee after my workout. Julie was there so I wasn’t very excited to see them. I get along with Sue but with Julie there is no chemistry…I tried to have a conversation, looking for topics, but never works, still I talk to her. Sue and Julie went for shopping…girly stuff that I’m TOTALLY allergic. I was half sweating when I met them. Sue was so excited about the shopping and Julie too. So, I just trying to understand her endorphines released for this primal girl social activity, which I don’t understand and I don’t want too. At some point they started to talk about sex and sex toys. I made some comments, Sue other and they were laughing…I felt uncomfortable because Julie is not a friend of mine, just somebody I know, it’s more Sue’s friend. When we left I was driving and I was behind Sue’s car and honked twice to capt her attention. I talked her to pay attention about the sex toys thing (And I said that because I’m gay and I don’t want Julie knows because I know she will talk to people about it…and at the office is something I should avoid, no?). Sue knew it and she felt uncomfortable about it. I was expecting a call from her not to apologize but ask for answers about my reaction but phone never ringed. Then I realized something really important…I was invisible.

In the heterosexual parameters of friendship, shopping, dancing and having fun with girls is a standard behavior. For me this is totally new. What is not new is with Sue or with other people friendship goes in one way. In other words, she needs support, she needs to go out because life at her place is hell, she needs supports because her future separation and moving etc etc etc…she is growing up as a person with the help of other girls including me. But…me…do I grow up as person with her? Ummmm, more and less…I mean, I’m in the stage and can give her advises and support her…but real friendship goes both ways…

I stopped to call her and to see her at lunch time…I needed a break of seen Sue and Julie together …before that event I was going to have lunch with then for 2 weeks in a row. I was nice to have lunch at my cubicle away from then. I must understand she, as a heterosexual will be never enter in my lesbian world…as a friend…there will be always a distance…I was able to realize that…in other moment of my past life, I’d react in a radical way…like cutting out this friendship for ever. I changed. I accepted the fact this kind of friendship is one way, not both but who knows, maybe this will change, maybe somebody will be curious to know, to ask, to see being gay or lesbian is a different world…despite emotions and drama are the same. I spoke to Sue about the incident with the sex toys…Sue understood the discomfort I felt with. We had now normal activities together…but I know the invisible distance is and will be there for a while…I learnt I can be social, that I can have differences with people…and still be able to hang out or talk to them…about that… I found I got a little victory.

The girls night out day came. Sue, despite my opposition, drove from Gatineau to Ottawa to pick up Julie. I was at the restaurant at downtown. The reservation was at 7 pm. They showed up at almost 7.40pm. I saw all the girls but Julie…to be honest, I was happy not to see her. The drama came later. Sitting at the table Sue explained an incredible story. Sue and Fatima were waiting for Julie in Ottawa for more than 40 minutes. They were calling each other and Julie never came. Julie knew the address of restaurant and never came to join us. Texts were exchanged and Sue was kind of worried and upset. We were dancing and having fun until 3 am.

Julie was upset at work Monday. Sue sent her an email explaining the reasons why she had to leave and asking why she never showed up. Julie replied..in the most original way. She said that Sue came 2 hours before the meeting hour, that never answered her calls or texts, that she never had the address of restaurant, that she spent so much money in clothing for that event…etc etc etc. Sue was perplex and so am I. Fatima knew about this email. There was such a fuzz…Sue was swearing and English and Portuguese…Fatima too. Then, 2 days later Sue and Julie met…Julie discharged and put down all Julie’s arguments. Still there is a kind of coldness between them, no doubt Julie was childish and selfish…and never admitted she was late for the meeting…not formal apology for all those stupid messages….So, after this, I decided to organize and cake meeting between Fatima, Sue and me…we talked and did therapy eating ice cream, cheese cake and poutine. Sue was shocked that after all that Julie asked…”when is going to be the next girls night out?”. Fatima said she won’t be invited for the next one. I felt sorry for Julie but she is 36…and not able to react as an adult.

That made realize many things about friendship, behavior and lesbian conduct. I knew a lesbian woman time ago, like 1 month or 2 so. She already has a girlfriend…so, in lesbian terms it means…”all time, all things, all with her”. That’s a very typical lesbian behavior, as soon as you got a girlfriend…social life tends to disappear. We were friends …yes, “were”. So I guess if she breaks up, she will talk to me again..or…another lesbian attitude…she will date for having a new girlfriend and not be alone. I don’t want to be like that. My friend Jeff, who was having a relationship at the time we met, we had talks and outings, exchanging messages…not “I need to be with that person for that person all with that person” syndrome…I found that healthy and nice…Now, they broke up but still I’m in contact with him. Jeff was the person who asked me” When did you realize you were invisible for Sue?”, Jeff taught me, indirectly how to open up myself. He is a nice person, with a difficult past but he is building a new identity…I find and I witnessing his personal growing…and he is inspiring me….

I’m discovering I’m changing in a positive way…I know what I want…how I wanted…and not closing doors as before…opening yourself can be painful, can be an adventure…can be anything you want to be…I just want to be happy.

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