Cleaning Out My Closet

I don’t even remember the last time I posted. 2 weeks ago? or 3? Nobody cares. But many things happened, positive and less positive. Let’s start what my last Girls Night Out.

It was Fatima’s birthday so we decided to go to Caliente, the salsa disco in downtown. Everybody knew about the plans, which basically was: meet in downtown in a restaurant, dancing and then finish early in the morning in a little restaurant for a poutine. I’m still going to the gym not that religiously as before because I changed protein and isn’t that good as the first one I took. Sue called me meet her for a coffee after my workout. Julie was there so I wasn’t very excited to see them. I get along with Sue but with Julie there is no chemistry…I tried to have a conversation, looking for topics, but never works, still I talk to her. Sue and Julie went for shopping…girly stuff that I’m TOTALLY allergic. I was half sweating when I met them. Sue was so excited about the shopping and Julie too. So, I just trying to understand her endorphines released for this primal girl social activity, which I don’t understand and I don’t want too. At some point they started to talk about sex and sex toys. I made some comments, Sue other and they were laughing…I felt uncomfortable because Julie is not a friend of mine, just somebody I know, it’s more Sue’s friend. When we left I was driving and I was behind Sue’s car and honked twice to capt her attention. I talked her to pay attention about the sex toys thing (And I said that because I’m gay and I don’t want Julie knows because I know she will talk to people about it…and at the office is something I should avoid, no?). Sue knew it and she felt uncomfortable about it. I was expecting a call from her not to apologize but ask for answers about my reaction but phone never ringed. Then I realized something really important…I was invisible.

In the heterosexual parameters of friendship, shopping, dancing and having fun with girls is a standard behavior. For me this is totally new. What is not new is with Sue or with other people friendship goes in one way. In other words, she needs support, she needs to go out because life at her place is hell, she needs supports because her future separation and moving etc etc etc…she is growing up as a person with the help of other girls including me. But…me…do I grow up as person with her? Ummmm, more and less…I mean, I’m in the stage and can give her advises and support her…but real friendship goes both ways…

I stopped to call her and to see her at lunch time…I needed a break of seen Sue and Julie together …before that event I was going to have lunch with then for 2 weeks in a row. I was nice to have lunch at my cubicle away from then. I must understand she, as a heterosexual will be never enter in my lesbian world…as a friend…there will be always a distance…I was able to realize that…in other moment of my past life, I’d react in a radical way…like cutting out this friendship for ever. I changed. I accepted the fact this kind of friendship is one way, not both but who knows, maybe this will change, maybe somebody will be curious to know, to ask, to see being gay or lesbian is a different world…despite emotions and drama are the same. I spoke to Sue about the incident with the sex toys…Sue understood the discomfort I felt with. We had now normal activities together…but I know the invisible distance is and will be there for a while…I learnt I can be social, that I can have differences with people…and still be able to hang out or talk to them…about that… I found I got a little victory.

The girls night out day came. Sue, despite my opposition, drove from Gatineau to Ottawa to pick up Julie. I was at the restaurant at downtown. The reservation was at 7 pm. They showed up at almost 7.40pm. I saw all the girls but Julie…to be honest, I was happy not to see her. The drama came later. Sitting at the table Sue explained an incredible story. Sue and Fatima were waiting for Julie in Ottawa for more than 40 minutes. They were calling each other and Julie never came. Julie knew the address of restaurant and never came to join us. Texts were exchanged and Sue was kind of worried and upset. We were dancing and having fun until 3 am.

Julie was upset at work Monday. Sue sent her an email explaining the reasons why she had to leave and asking why she never showed up. Julie replied..in the most original way. She said that Sue came 2 hours before the meeting hour, that never answered her calls or texts, that she never had the address of restaurant, that she spent so much money in clothing for that event…etc etc etc. Sue was perplex and so am I. Fatima knew about this email. There was such a fuzz…Sue was swearing and English and Portuguese…Fatima too. Then, 2 days later Sue and Julie met…Julie discharged and put down all Julie’s arguments. Still there is a kind of coldness between them, no doubt Julie was childish and selfish…and never admitted she was late for the meeting…not formal apology for all those stupid messages….So, after this, I decided to organize and cake meeting between Fatima, Sue and me…we talked and did therapy eating ice cream, cheese cake and poutine. Sue was shocked that after all that Julie asked…”when is going to be the next girls night out?”. Fatima said she won’t be invited for the next one. I felt sorry for Julie but she is 36…and not able to react as an adult.

That made realize many things about friendship, behavior and lesbian conduct. I knew a lesbian woman time ago, like 1 month or 2 so. She already has a girlfriend…so, in lesbian terms it means…”all time, all things, all with her”. That’s a very typical lesbian behavior, as soon as you got a girlfriend…social life tends to disappear. We were friends …yes, “were”. So I guess if she breaks up, she will talk to me again..or…another lesbian attitude…she will date for having a new girlfriend and not be alone. I don’t want to be like that. My friend Jeff, who was having a relationship at the time we met, we had talks and outings, exchanging messages…not “I need to be with that person for that person all with that person” syndrome…I found that healthy and nice…Now, they broke up but still I’m in contact with him. Jeff was the person who asked me” When did you realize you were invisible for Sue?”, Jeff taught me, indirectly how to open up myself. He is a nice person, with a difficult past but he is building a new identity…I find and I witnessing his personal growing…and he is inspiring me….

I’m discovering I’m changing in a positive way…I know what I want…how I wanted…and not closing doors as before…opening yourself can be painful, can be an adventure…can be anything you want to be…I just want to be happy.

Drag Queens in Navarra?

I’m drinking my second Cappuccino coffee (a.k.a. French vanilla for the Tim Horton’s Canadian coffee standard). I feel hangover. In fact, I AM. Since I’ve been training, dieting and on top of that, drinking my protein shake after my workout at gym, coffee is out of question…but today is a big exception. I must say the shakes are working. Every glass contains like 60gr of pure protein, I can feel energy and improvement on the treadmill. Also, when you drink that, basically you don’t feel hungry, the liquid stays in your stomach and you got more time to do other things.

But since this week, specially at work, things aren’t going well with me. At work, I’m replacing somebody who took vacations, I’m doing other kind of “new” things . The boss of that section is a fake, chubby, square blond head. Do I hate her? Not yet, but if she dies tomorrow, I won’t cry for her. So, I can quote one of Morrissey’s song “why do I give valuable time to people who don’t care if I live or die?”. That’s my new philosophy. Last Tuesday she sent an email to me and my real boss asking to meet her. So, this is not good. I thought she wanted to complain about my work. I knew she was a bit crazy and obsessive. ok, ok, a real control freak. I work in Finance, so controls and verifications are part of my daily life, but when somebody tries to control ME, that’s different. I’m not an invoice or a fake cheque. I’m not a fishy transaction, I’m kind of transparent. She started saying “I got the impression you hate me”. What? My face was puzzled. “I know you never wanted to come here to work at Section 33, but I noticed in your emails that you don’t feel comfortable here”. OMG. Well, it was true that I never wanted to go there, but I don’t hate her. Once, I went for New Year’s party at the Casino with her. I think I wrote that in my blog like 3 years ago. She is a average Quebecquer, party, traveling to Cuba, resorts, drinking and narrow minded. I didn’t like that time being with her and listening her derogatory comments about gay people at work. Also, her opinions about people from the third world, “indians” as she says…pejorative adjective for us. So…I put big distance between her and me. A healthy distance. I didn’t know she was a boss of Section 33 at the time. But left me a bitter-sweet taste in my mouth…it’s better banning a person like that of your life…but you cannot do that at work. In her micro speech I feel more like her words reflected discomfort with not being obeyed as she liked, it means “What I said must be done the way I say…and my word is law”. Once she told me she was dating a guy who after a while he was stocking her…then she had to put cameras at her place. Also, she told me she had troubles with a big boss I get along. She told she had a grievance…the union was involved too. When I was listening her words in slow motion my mind were on those souvenirs…who was saying the true? who is the real control freak? a person who cannot control anything? a person who needs authority to feel superior? a person with no moral authority but has in fact, authority at work?…for a moment, as you who read this, you realize SHE is not right…nor in what she’s saying neither in her head. So I was there listening….she was psycho but I let it go…no choice, I’m just a clerk, immigrant clerk, so no authority for me, no power for me…no nothing…I tried to comfort her telling her when I work with somebody I took distance (with her is much better, no?) and that was her perception. But know that I’m thinking of that…after that meeting…I think I got reasonable justification to hate her…but I don’t..not yet.

I had my results of my accounting exam. I got 13 of 20, not that bad, not too good either, but is fine. After a tough week I decided a needed a gay break. So, I was thinking to go to a gay drag queen show. So, I contacted a friend of mine and I told him about this idea. He invited me to the restaurant where he works as waiter. He is over 40 and would like to go to school this Fall. He is gay and a nice person. So, I said “why not?” and around 8.30pm I showed up at Navarra restaurant in downtown Ottawa. It’s a little restaurant, cozy and of course, fancy. Prices are….bring your golden credit card. I mean, isn’t cheap but is quality and the presentation is more like painting than cooking. Art. I’m not a person who goes from restaurant from restaurant judging taste and ingredients, I eat because I need to live, I don’t live for eating. Eating for me is an obligation not a pleasure. If I went there was for a glass of wine and….Marion….a hot, afro, jazz singer….OMG, in a little space like that her diva voice was….delightful….I was drinking a glass of white wine…the more alcohol was in my veins…the more I was looking at her body…her breast…her legs…her hair…her lips…ok, ok, ok, hormones quiet, quiet…My friend found me a little red round table…I was just 43 mts away from her. I wasn’t feeling miserable but happy, I wasn’t feeling alone but alive…I was feeling love being single…I was happy with that paradox…I was enjoying that moment…looking at the table in front of me, a French couple trying main dish, desert, wine and more, I was looking another table with a family celebrating a birthday than then, 2 fashion young gays took over later…very fashion and handsome. The other table was taken by 3 Montrealers women…so, they were judging Ottawa and food in a criminal way…judging live to this death to that…it wasn’t pleasant but funny…I was in my wine universe, half here, half…elsewhere….in a  long term bracket of happiness….

It was nice to float in that cloud…must be the Spanish wine…it could have been Marion’s voice…it could have been the people around myself…all of then in their respective universes, sharing, talking, laughing and judging…there were so many people, I even saw two men in a perfect date. My waiter friend was making jokes and we were laughing…we’ll do yoga tomorrow Saturday. I asked him if Marion could sing “Fever”, she couldn’t because the pianist didn’t know that one, so I asked for “Summer time”…and when she sang it she blinked her eye at me….awwwww….my happy heart and my glass of wine were delighted with that gesture…

Since my diet has been liquid, full of proteins I decided to try the food there. So, I asked a dessert. I saw some people eating chocolate mousse…I wanted something different. In fact, I didn’t know what I chose. I couldn’t hear what my friend said about it so I asked Queso Manchego (Manchego cheese). It was a piece of Manchego cheese (that after google it I saw it was made of sheep milk, assuming it was the real thing), Quince confit, pear chutney, candied pistachios, olive oil crostini. This is very Mediterranean  well, the restaurant is a fusion of Spanish-Mexican cuisine…I thought it would cost me a fortune…after my crappy week I think I deserved a big break…my bill was 23$ but since my friend was the waiter…with tip it went to 27$ a bit expensive but…it was just a desert and wine…but full of love.

No drag queens that night, just the best performance of an afro diva, a Manchego cheese disguised for a gastronomical date with me and my beloved waiter that made that night just….full of love…a bracket of love.

There is Candy for Everyone

It has been like 2 weeks since I had my first hypnosis. I’m training at the gym too for almost 3 weeks. Also, there has been like 3 weeks since I spoke with the Medium woman about my future. Just after meeting her I went to the gym and I started to run on the treadmill thinking and thinking and rethinking in several ways, up and down, right to left, North to South… thinking about she said “you’re attracted to violent relationships”, “you got a problem of dependency” …all those ideas were on my mind when I was running and walking. I tried to do 2 km almost every day (I don’t go to the gym when I got my night classes at college). It’s already June and her words are still resounding on my ears…

Just 2 weeks I had my second “girls night out with a camouflaged dyke”. It was awesome. I went with Suzanne, Fatima 1, Fatima 2 (Suz’s cousin) and Anne to the Beer Festival in Gatineau, the weather was crappy as hell, we bought our tickets and then somebody decided to go to a restaurant for dinner….yes, dinner at 5pm, not hungry at all and after a workout at the gym…I wasn’t that happy about it but well, no choice. We went to The Green Papaya, in front of Civilization Museum. The decoration was…like going to a meditation gastronomic spa. Relaxing music, Buddhas everywhere in all the position available, Nirvana, Lotus, stand up, golden, silver, small, big, even in the bathroom there was a Buddha too, with other Indian deities. It was fancy and the food….I wasn’t expecting that much but I must say food was outstanding, service too  The new person in the group was Fatima 2. When I asked what she does for living she said “I’m a pole dancer”. I knew she was kidding but I just  followed the flow. At some point Fatima 2 was worried because I seemed to believe what she said. We had a nice chat, talking about Portuguese drama (that looks like Greek drama), about parents and of course, about my session with the Medium. Fatima 1 is still scare to call her and set up an appointment.

We left the restaurant heading the beer festival. They were selling little  glasses at $2 each. Somebody invited me a glass…awful, I don’t like beer but those are the social thing you must do it in order to fit in a group and not to be excluded.  I was taking pictures as a Chinese tourist. I took a picture even of Fatima 1 and Suz’s butties, well, they asked me to! We stayed there for 1 hour and the girls decided after this small digestion to have dessert, so we went to St Hubert. In our way we were talking non sense, making jokes and Ann was laughing about Portuguese prejudice, since most of them were married with Portuguese guys and now they’re separated or divorced (Suz is taking that path too), and Ann added “ok Diana, hold my hand and we’ll say we’re lesbians”. Suzanne didn’t say anything and I was feeling totally uncomfortable, first, because I’m gay and second because I didn’t say to anybody else about this thing…I felt bad and I don’t know when I should do my coming out with them. Then, for killing time, we went to the casino. Fatima 2 played and won like $200, she paid us our drinks. I had more time to talk to her at the bar there. She told me about her ex boyfriend, a control freak, abusive and all the profile of my ex had. She said “when you think you should be dead, you’re in position to take a decision”. So, she left him, Portuguese drama came with it. She told me about her daughter, a teenager with hyperactivity and cognitive problems. I felt sorry at this point, but she seems living her life at least for her, nothing stops her to do that. Her new boyfriend, a Quebecquer guy is a nice man, apparently, well, must be, if that man buys a Celine Dion’s concert ticket to her…it should be a nice man!.

After we went to a disco…Forum, in Gatineau to dance Salsa. Then I realized the Fatima 2’s joke about being pole dancer wasn’t exactly far from reality. Damn, she knows how to dance. Also, she knew so many people in that place. It was a delightful experience to watch her dancing….she was flying… at almost 1 am we were exhausted and decided to leave. I was very happy and almost broke, I spent like $70 that night….too much and Fatima 1 birthday’s is coming soon. Suz told me later that both Fatimas love me!

I went to see Ed, they guy who performed the first hypnosis. I told him, I just felt a kind of anxiety after my quiz at school. He explained me it was kind of normal and he performed again hypnosis on me. This time I was more relaxed….and there were some words that he pronounced that had impact on me like…love and being happy. I told him after about that. He said to not questioning being happy or feel fine, just to live it. Also, he said in a politely way to accept myself as gay. Yes, I’m almost 40 and I don’t feel comfortable or accepting myself as gay. That idea was always present even when I’m training …all those thoughts run with me on the treadmill…all the time. Ed also said “don’t be afraid to be happy,don’t be afraid to lose things,  there will be always candy for everyone”. He was talking metaphorically, he knows, he feels I’m afraid to open myself, to talk to people and of course, to love…and why not, to be loved.

I went to second hand store and I bought the Dead Cab for Cutie cd “Plans”…I’ve always heard that band was a good one…and they were right. I mean, when you drive alone, when sun is just going down, when you want to slow down your pace…that is the soundtrack of your life…I felt numb and calm when I listen to them…beautiful jewel…

I don’t remember if I said I was accepted to the Forensic Accounting and Fraud Investigations program at Algonquin. I was so happy that I called my therapist..well, ex therapist, she is like a mom to me. She was more excited than me and I said “well, they just asked for a recommendation letter from my boss and my diploma from Peru..they want my money after all”, which is true, college doesn’t care about those things, they do the paper work procedure and then…money is there for them. I’ll start this Fall, I’ll take 2 courses, this program is online only. I feel things are moving in slow motion.

I’m not going to the gym today…but even if I’m not in the treadmill those ideas will following me…I’m not running away from them, I run with them….I don’t know what direction I’m taking…I know I want to be happy and I shouldn’t be afraid of.