It’s 8.33 pm and there is still light…and that freaks me out.
More light, more hours, more people outside doing activities, I haven’t see so many dogs outside, where were they all Winter? Kids playing, cars playing electronic or rap music on their sub-woofers making vibrate my windows. While Winter was quiet and cold, and as I said before, there is no Spring or Fall season in Canada, you jump one to another.
Last weekend I met my gay friends, the 2 Jeffreys. We had breakfast worshiping bagels at the Bagel Shop. Jeff, as usual, ate his lumberjack breakfast, and Jeffrey just a bagel like me. Her mother and sister were there, they are nice people, simple and were and will live all their lives at Hintonburg, the fancy neighborhood were an old house can cost half a million easily. When Jeff’s mother said how fast a house was sold in her block I was thinking, dreaming, crying for the possibility to buy a house. I thought of my father that at my age had me (I’m his 3rd child), got his 5th car, got a permanent job and was owner of a house. Me? Not even a permanent job or security in that area. We went after to other places for eating. I drove Jeffrey to his apartment in downtown. He were listening music of the 80’s, singing like maniacs. He moved not long time ago and his place was a real mess, full of boxes and in total disorder. He has 2 cats, the mess was that bad the cats were invisible and the litter box was just another litter box.
With both Jeffreys I went to a second hand fair at the Parkadale Church, that evening there was a concert, I really enjoyed despite they didn’t play exclusively classical music, but it was pleasant. Sunday I did some things at home and I had a nap.When I woke up around 5pm I was having anxiety. I got scared and a rush of ideas came to my mind: my birthday, getting old, being alone, no expectations at work with the jerk of my boss, and the worst, Summer was coming. I tried to call people (let’s face it at least 2) and of course nobody answered. On Monday again, the sun came out earlier…I was freaking out, my chest was pressing me too much and I tried to call down but that just happened when I went to my yoga class. Driving my way home ideas of how many hours I have to wait until to go to bed without any fear, without thinking…tomorrow I got things to do until 4 pm. After, I couldn’t concentrate myself to study for my French exam of tomorrow. In fact, I’ve been very distracted by the sun, the light, the people outside my window and nothing else to do.
On top of that I registered to my second Accounting course. Accounting II freaks me out again. A friend told me to quit and do something else but I don’t want to. It reminds me when I broke up with my ex bitch my mother was calling me and telling me to come back to Peru…no way, I can’t go back to live with another crazy woman. Now that I’m writing those line I’m scared. In my Finance course I got D – , and I thought I studied hard. My friend from another course told a Chinese teacher was excellent but I realized she wouldn’t teach this semester I panicked. And when I panic I cannot talk. That reminds me than in 1 week I got my English oral exam. Everybody says I speak well (bloody Canadians) they will never say they don’t understand me. At least at work when I ask something nobody understands me and I have to repeat again and again the same phrase. I don’t even understand myself. When I speak to my Swedish friend she doesn’t listen to me and I had to repeat several times my phrase. Awful.
Because of my classes will be Mondays and Wednesdays I will miss my yoga lessons. Why am I studying? Because I like finance and I don’t want to be a clerk the rest of my life.I know I can do more important tasks than filing and labeling. I hate myself now, I hate not being able to control things like work, where I spent 7.5 and where is no other opening job available right now.
Monday will be my birthday. Ummmm, I was trying to remember what I wanted the most in that day when I was kid. I remember now, not to have born. I got a friend in Peru who didn’t or skipped his birthday, cut his phone, avoid that day university, didn’t accept any birthday wish, nothing. I was like him. But now, near my .39 years of tribulations, full of defeats, full of fear and totally alone…with a miserable job and with a chest that crash my lungs.
The boss I work now told I will back to my other group next Monday. I wasn’t happy, I don’t want to go back with them. I know when the boss arrives, he sighs every time, his breath has 800 decibels, jerk, jerk with degree.
I went to a second hand store looking for new obsessions, I mean, music. I found 10,000 Maniacs unplugged. Beautiful compilation…what I remember the most about Natalie Merchant, the vocalist, was an interview where she said the most beautiful love story she knew was her grandparents’ love. Her granny passed away her granddad was so sad that he died 5 months later. Those love declarations and ritual don’t exist anymore.
Tomorrow, I got 2 French exams…am I panicking? What do you think?