The Hypnotist, The Psychic and The Lesbian

My birthday was May 6th. Unfortunately I turned 39. Now, every time I fill out a survey, I belong to the 3rd group called: from 35 to 50. That was hard….anyways. That week I was feeling very down and almost depressed. I just wanted to be alone and skip that day but my Swedish friend had another idea.

She invited me to celebrate my birthday and try to cook something typically Peruvian. She made chicken, with rice and some other things in the oven. Well, apparently she tried to do the famous Rice with Chicken which is green because of the cilantro. The result was more than eclectic, it was ok. My friend invited her boyfriend, her daughter with her husband and Ed, a retired doctor with a great sense of humour. He’s like 80. But the funny thing came later when my friend’s boyfriend brought a chocolate cake. He didn’t know I don’t like chocolate but my Swedish friend made my favorite desert…cheese cake. She put some candles and everybody sang “happy birthday to you”. That was a big surprise…I had a cake, I never had one since I left my ex bitch. But I didn’t feel happy, I just wanted this event pass and try to forget the taste of the chicken. I really appreciate being important for some people but I wasn’t in the mood to pay back with happiness. After eating, we sat and talked.

I met Ed like a 2 years ago. He’s very active and talkative, in fact, he takes most of the space in a conversation. His parents were from Lebanon and he was born in New Brunswick. After studying and I don’t know how he moved here to Ottawa. He married a woman who died like a year ago. He has 3 children, until there, everything is normal, nothing extraordinary. When we sat he said he did hypnosis at the Royal Hospital and said he cured people from anxiety and other things or dependencies. When I was listening that, I was feeling my chest totally compressed. My Swedish friend never knew about this thing that happened to me 2 years ago, when I had my first attack and the left side of my body was paralyzed. For a moment I thought to ask him to fix this situation. After a week of waiting I spoke to my Swedish friend about it and she sent him an email. We had a meeting last Friday.

I didn’t know what to expect. The only thing I wanted was to get rid of that and no conventional treatment was required. The firs thing that Ed asked me was “do you really want to get rid of that pain?” I said yes. If you have seen in the movies the typical hypnosis session, a guy lying down and other person with moving a clock…well, it wasn’t like that but closer.I explained a bit about my first crisis. “Basically it was fear” he concluded. He asked me to be a comfortable position. So I laid down on the couch. He asked to close my eyes and he explained other things. He said, I will always be in control of the situation during the hypnosis, that I’m surrounded by friends, no worries about it, no harm around me. He repeated that several times and I didn’t know why. Then he said to be relaxed. I put my arms around my chest and he said again to be relaxed and I put my arms side to side of my body. He started “you will always have control of the situation, remember you are here, right now, you are here with your friends”. Then he said “concentrated in you right foot,  see it, feel it, Concentrated on your right ankle, see it, feel it” He was mentioning the parts of my body and reminding me to get relaxed. At some point asked me to open my eyes which I did and he started all the process again. At the second time he asked again to open my eyes which I did again and despite that he continued and said “remember the first time you had the crisis”. I did, and for a moment I felt that fear again…but then Ed said “you are here”, then I calmed down. After listening his voice I was feeling more and more relaxed, sleepy too but never felt slept. He asked me to open my eyes when he was doing the countdown. When finally the session was over he said many things about me that shocked me. He said the session it was really good that probably I’ll need one more, that he will help me because “you worth it”. He said “you are afraid to be accepted and to be judged” “how do you know that” I said. He just replied he observes a lot. He repeated again “you got the control of the situation and remember you’re here”. I said for me it was easy to let somebody tell me what to do or, in other words, to trust  people, that it was difficult to let it go. Ed said that eventually I will handle it, he was very happy about my progress in this first session. He said again I was in control of everything and I added, after all, I put myself in this cage and I want to get out. Ed said “the mind is a funny place”.

I left with a relief…the pain was down. The next morning pain was gone, there is still some pressure but I’m sure I can handle it, after all I have control of my self or I guess I have to be reminded it that. On Saturday, I had an appointment with a psychic that Suzanne put me in contact. When Suzanne went to see her, the psychic told her everything about her past and future, even the psychic spoke in Portuguese, Suzanne’s background is Portuguese. I was impressed but also it seemed that the medium was a real one. So I booked an appointment with her. On the phone, she asked for pictures of my family. I said I had no pictures, that everything was in Peru. Suddenly she said “you got a sister who died” , I said yes but it was long time ago. She said “not a problem, bring a picture of her, ask your brother to send you one”.I didn’t say anything about my brother or my dead sister. She continued and said “you got troubles to make friends….you don’t trust anybody”. Ok, that’s it. She gave 2 weeks to find some pictures. That happened, my brother scanned some pictures and I printed pictures of people I know or I’m developing some kind of friendship.

Last Saturday I went to her place…it was an old house, not in good shape, there was a sign in the main door saying to use to the back door. I went to the back, the garden was a mess and there was a yellow newspaper laying on the stairs. I waited outside and a woman left the house. It was a client. Then I rang the bell. 2 dogs were barking like hell. I said hi to the medium and  we went to the basement. If the house looked a mess from the outside, the inside was worst. But still, I continued. I went to the little office. 2 candles were lighted. She said never say thanks during the session. I showed her my pictures…I must say it was impressive what she said about my family, my grandmother and my sister.

She said I was attracted to violent people (my ex was one) that I will meet a woman with green eyes that in fact, we won’t have anything but my grandmother said to avoid her. Then I will meet another woman and I will with her for 2 years, she wears a uniform, has a kid but doesn’t leave with her. She is very independent but we’re going to split out mutually. Then I will meet the woman I will spend the rest of my life and will buy a house with her. She said about my job to keep the studies and go for forensic accounting, that there is going to be more cuts next year and one of the supervisors is going to be out. The one big boss, a woman, will change the position and she’ll go to another department and she will bring me with her. Apparently, I got a beautiful future in front of me. She told me Suzanne will be a good friend for longtime and I’ll be the godmother of one of her kids. She said many things about the few pictures I had. Some friends that will become good ones. I asked if I could tell Suzanne I was gay….she said not a problem, but she also said my grandma wanted me to accept completely my homosexuality.

I was with her for 2 hours…I left the place with hopes and worries. I called Suzanne and I went to her place and I met the idiot, that means her husband. She leaves in a small house full of idiot’s toys, like a big truck, trailer, 4 wheeler and so on, things she pays and he doesn’t. We went to a restaurant and when she left, her youngest kid started to cry and he didn’t want her mother leave. I was in shock, then I asked why Daniel had that attitude, she said he know his father is not good, I think Daniel feels protected when Suzanne is around. That scene broke my heart. At the restaurant I did my come out to her. She seemed normal. I bought some ice cream for the kids but when we came back they were already sleeping. I was sad to leave them there, in the inferno house. I’m waiting for July when she’ll move with the kids…I will help her.

If this was my destiny….my grandmom is doing a great job.

The Day I Became A Father

I’ve been having my lunch with Suzanne for almost a week. As a commissioner she’s not allow to leave her building. I walk a couple of minutes to join her since our building are farm from each other and last week she wasn’t feeling that well.

In one of our conversations she was shaking, showing her hand, with shy tears in her eyes  she was telling me all the fights she was having with her husband. I didn’t know she was paying for a big truck, another little car, the mortgage, food and clothes for her 2 kids. The situation at home became a bit dramatic the day one teacher of her boys call her asking if there were any problems at home. Matthew was throwing things to her teacher and some classmates. Suzanne told me children have been watching all the fights between them. Every moment at lunch time there is a new little history how his “idiot” as she refers to her own husband has been treating her. The idiot said she needed to find another job as a cleaner (her old job) in order to pay the invoices. She was telling me he was more than furious when she heard that, she was almost crying. Sometimes she cleans all the house main floor, basement and second floor alone and the idiot will show up with dirty boots in the kitchen, a sacred zone for every mother in the world. Or when she asked him to pass the dirty clothes bag he answered “I’m tired” but he was playing video games and then he said “do you want the bag? here is your freaking bag” and he threw all the clothes from one floor to another (just for the record he didn’t say “freaking” but another word). I was trying to comfort her but for somebody who also suffered from an abusive relationship words don’t help. What helps? leaving that hell called house. So far, she has packed her and kids’ stuff. Suzanne told the idiot she’s planning to leave him. The idiot responded “ha, ha, ha, you won’t do that, you said that all the time and you never leave”. This time is different, she already signed a lease, she’ll move in July.

The girl’s night out (camouflage dyke included) is organizing a escape plan. The plan Suzanne will call us that day, Fatima, Anne and me with our respective cars, will wait outside the house. A big fight is expected and since the idiot has a guns (hunting toys) we fear the worst, then Suzanne’s father or brother will intervene. We repeat that idea over and over every time we meet. So far, fights continuing and sometimes is too much for her than now she’s questioning herself as a mother. “I explained to the kids is wrong to throw things to people. What mom and dad is just between us, you shouldn’t repeat that. You shouldn’t hurt each other.” and one of her kids said “so to who we can throw things?” , “to the person who’s throwing you things”, the kid replied “so do I throw things to dad?” and Suzanne said “yes”. After telling me that she asked me “am I a good mother?” . I just laughed and I said “of course you’re!”. She is very calm, loving and caring person, always with a big smile but I never saw her that bad emotionally and physically. She lost weight because of stress. I told her my violence relationship and how far this went. So, I’m just trying to be supportive as much as I can that’s why I told her to contact me if she needs anything for her or the kids…and then I received a call.

Nobody calls me, that’s why my monthly invoice is just $35 tax included. That’s not true, my doctor calls, spams call from a company telling me a won a cruise to Jamaica and…sometimes my physiotherapist ..and that’s it, the phone never rings and I got troubles to remind my voice mail password because since nobody calls I don’t use it and keeping forgetting it all the time. Rarely people text  me, well, again, I have no friends, nobody tries to reach me. But last Friday Suzanne phoned. She seemed a bit “electrical” that means hyperactive, frantic and speedy. We agreed to meet at the office at 8pm. I was in a farewell reception at church, my buddy Scott is moving to California. He thought of me when he realized he had to leave his home, family and friends, everything to the unknown. He was scared and nervous. Everybody was hugging him telling him “this is exciting”. He didn’t look quite convinced about it. I didn’t say that stupid phrase. People told me the same when I moved to Gatineau. Excitement? adventure? Are you retards or what? Moving to another country is very hard. There are people in Ottawa that told me they’re alone despite they have family or they can feel alone having family. Listen mentally challenged, listen idiot, realize one thing retard. The day you leave a country, you try to communicate with somebody, you got fooled or screwed, you try to be polite and the other understands the opposite, you try to get closer and you got rejected, when you try to go to point A to point B, when you need to do paper work, tell me blind genius…is that excitement? is that an adventure?. You, you got a mother or father or siblings or children, you think with all that you’re alone…go to another country and write me back about it!!!! You won’t have anybody to turn to talk or cry or just ask for explanation, nobody will take care of you when you’ll be sick, no phone calls or messages on your phone, yu feel alone eh? wait….adventure? You have to be totally crazy or in an urgent need to change your life for good to do that move.I wanted to tell to Scott that the experience would be very very and absolutely hard even if US speak English like him but I couldn’t and the reception/party wasn’t the place either. He already sold his house and his wife will stay here in town…I wouldn’t like to walk on his shoes. With that happening in his life…I’d feel my life is tearing apart. At that moment my phone rang….what? my phone rang? yes, it was Suzanne, she arrived to work early and she asked me when I’d leave. Well, she was early but I didn’t feel quite well leaving her at the parking with Daniel, his son of 5 years old. I had time to talk to Ellen, her partner passed away 2 months ago. She’s doing fine, the funeral service will be tomorrow, I don’t know if I’ll be able to go. Anyways, everybody was eating, chatting and so I left to meet her.

I met her at the parking and I met Daniel. He was my first encounter with a human being with a biological small brain. So, that means, a real kid. I don’t like kids, I got a smartphone, I don’t need more. I had some friends in Peru with kids and they were pests. So, leaving in Montreal were nobody has kids because they’re afraid to commit or to get married was a child baby-free experience. Here in Ottawa/Gatineau all conversations end with diapers or “what kid did this or that”…aghhhh, that’s my Spring allergy!!! But I didn’t know how could it be with Daniel and Suzanne. So I went into her car and I said hi to him, he was a bit shy and quiet. (Yes, I said quiet, apparently this phenomena is not common among brats). Suzanne was super happy to see me and still electrical, she drove to the ice cream shop…I forgot to tell she bought this car for her, it’s the first time in her slave relationship she bought something for her…but she is still learning how to drive…with my crashed English I was trying to explain her where the shop was and what road to take…we seemed like multicultural drama queens…her background is Portuguese. If communication is a hard task in every couple, a young driver, a dyke instructor and a kid in the back seat is not the best picture or frame for that.

I said hi to Daniel and we shake hands at the ice cream shop. I told him I’d invite him a chocolate one. (I hate chocolate) and I bought another to Suzanne. In the line up she was talking to me the idiot stayed home with the other kid, despite he wanted to come with us. The idiot is real control freak. They ate the ice cream and I realize Daniel was a real pro to make a mess of himself with a little ice cream. I put a napkin around his cup and I put him in his special chair. I attached the belt seat and I sat with Suzanne and we chat…Daniel was in ecstasy with his ice cream and Iron Man in silence. I talked and I was surprised Daniel was that quiet …probably he was starving. After that we went to a play ground near the office.

There, I released his seat belt, cleaned his mess in his jacket and hold his dirty hand to lead him to the playground There were swingers, slides and pirate boat. Daniel jump into the boat saying “I’m the captain of the pirate boat”. He was in total abstraction in his universe. I was there contemplating and still doing anthropology. He was the most interesting object of study in these 2 years I’ve been in this region. He was laughing, smiling, talking to other kids of his edge. I was surprised of that experience with a kid. Me and Suzanne we were to slides…geeez…has been decades I haven’t tried one. We tried all the toys at the playground. I told Suzanne, this is my first time experience as a father, she said “is this your first experience as a mother?” Suzanne doesn’t realize I’m gay, and to be honest  I haven’t told her yet. Her Portuguese Catholic background scares me, but I can’t believe how people can be that blind or see only what they want to see. I can wear a tuxedo and she will never think I’m gay. Just like my father when I was younger, he taught I was a crazy radical feminist…and let’s be honest, the polite way to call a lesbian in those days were to call her feminist.

We ended the day drinking some water at Starbucks when her phone rang….it was the idiot checking. Suzanne only said “I’m on my way” with a very resigned voice. We had such a great time but this had to end…not her decision but idiot’s one.

Days later Suzanne told me Daniel likes me, that he said to his little brother they had fun and he wanted to see me again. Suzanne was laughing at me because apparently when I was trying to take care of him I had a funny face. She said “you were in front of Daniel saying OMG, OMG, OMG, not knowing what to do…” she was laughing and laughing. She added “you asked me if I had a bottle of water to clean the kid…and you said <you should have one all the time at your car>”. That was hilarious…yeah…first time with a kid, and I didn’t know how to approach, how to hold him or hold hands….a real antisocial.

I was thinking of that all weekend…on Monday was my birthday and I called home in Peru, I wanted to skip this year but I knew my dad wanted to talk to me. I called him…he was so happy…I talked about little things, he was asking for my health and work. I didn’t say that much. I said “I love you” and he said that twice, with a broken voice…me, in silent tears…unable to reach him…physically or just in memory…his losing his memory that fast but he didn’t forget it was my birthday. After I hang up I was still in tears…even now that I’m typing that…there are evasive tears…

I became a father of my own father…trying to take care of him, to make things work in the distance…impossible since my brother is not that smart and my mother is that tyrannic with everybody. I had nice experience with Daniel….I gave up to meet a woman, I gave up that a lesbian relationship could work…not many women with brains available in the market. My kid experience it was fine…for 3 hours…I don’t think I’d like to be full time as my father did…and he stills does…I know he loves more than anything in the world…I keep him alive…I miss him…damn it, I miss him…I miss love in general…I gave up that too.

She Lost Control

I woke up at  2 am this morning. Big day, exams day. My French exams, reading and writing were today. I just tried to calm down and not to freak out. Despite my French is stronger than my English and after studying for 3 weeks the result was as I expected: panic.

The Joy Division was playing in my head. I was driving as a zombie. Tired, not concentrated, driving as I was going to an execution. I know I’m good in French and I was doubting of myself, of my capabilities. At the same time thinking if what level I wanted to reach, knowing my potential, of course, thinking all that before screwing all.

“Confusion in her eyes that says it all.
She’s lost control.
And she’s clinging to the nearest passer by,
She’s lost control.
And she gave away the secrets of her past,
And said I’ve lost control again,
And of a voice that told her when and where to act,
She said I’ve lost control again.”

I arrive very early, the parking spot I thought raised the price for 1$. That been said, the final price was 14$. I walked down Slater St. and I bought a French vanilla coffee. What? Well, I thought it good be a good idea be awake and warm since I didn’t sleep well and it was a bit cold. I stopped drinking coffee for….8 months and to not becoming electrical. Probably  after such a long time, this little vanilla was a powerful morning shot. Instead of being alert, I become almost paranoid and hyperactive.

And she turned around and took me by the hand
And said I’ve lost control again.
And how I’ll never know just why or understand
She said I’ve lost control again.

When the door opened I sat in the waiting room, looking around, looking to find something in particular to stare at. As the tradition says, I grab my phone like the others. I realized I don’t have any games or internet on it since …well, it doesn’t seem vital to me. For the others, life is meaningless without a phone. I was really surprised that my therapist left me a message. So I called her back. I asked her if she was busy, she said she on her way to work, I could hear the noisy of the street. So, after this introduction she said: “you asked me to call you last night”. I said “You know, mother’s day is coming, I was wondering if we could meet at lunch time”. She said “sorry I can’t hear, I got some interference on the phone”. Well, the truth is she didn’t understand me…I got my English oral exam in 2 weeks. I repeated again my phrase word by word. I think while she was walking she was pulling out her agenda trying to find a spot for me. I felt so guilty and I promised to send her an email.

The call finished, again, nervousness, not that much anxiety, I was just nervous. The my chest was pressing and compressing. I was waiting and watching everybody around me, all anglophones,with their notebooks or replying email with their Blackberries. Now, the breathing was becoming heavy and heavier later. Somebody come to lead us to the exam room. I was feeling groggy, sleepy, hyperactive, nervous, tired, with the sensation, I know French more than those guys.But I didn’t want to be there. I was remembering I did more than 5 times the French exercises on the booklet I found at the library.

“Come to the front desk with and ID. From A to N come with me, from O to Z with my colleague” We made 2 line ups and we picked up a sheet with our names and exam ID. We sat. I counted 40 people for the comprehension exam. The monitor was explaining the procedures. This is, I think, the 5 exam I take, but never with anxiety. The guy continued to tell us the rules of the game. I know all that dude. I was so distracted, I was drawing a cat, a bunny and even I sketched the guy’s face on the sheet. He was speaking more blah, blah, blah. Finally he said “you can start your test”.

And she screamed out kicking on her side
And said I’ve lost control again.
And seized up on the floor, I thought she’d die.
She said I’ve lost control.
She’s lost control again.
She’s lost control.
She’s lost control again.
She’s lost control.

I was reading without reading, were the exercises simple or I was too good? I was trying to concentrated myself, I was reading again the paragraphs, but know things are becoming more difficult, not the questions, I was becoming kind of dizzy. Again, I tried to read the paragraphs. In total they were like 55 questions. I was calculation the possible mistakes I could have and what level I could reach. I’m trying to focus, sometimes I read and I got the sensation of some lines are moving or shaking. I read again, and again and I pass the question for later one. But even with that I realized I finish my test in 30 minutes. I verified some other questions but I found I didn’t or at least I thought have any mistake. The chest was just crashing my lungs. I left the room, it was 9.30am, Oh my God, the breathing was heavy and lighter, both at the same time. I just went outside the building for a short walk. While walking I was checking my breathing, checking if the lungs were there or just smashed like potatoes.

The next test was at 10.30 am so I decided to visit to an ex colleague. I was very happy to see her but to talk to somebody, just to calm me down. She lost weight, she looked amazing, her vegetarian diet was working, she told me she lost 3 sizes and it’s true. She was also talking about her mortgage at Scotia Bank screwed them. She was looking for something near where I live. We were gossiping about old colleagues and the mafia at work. Just disgusting how things can move inside a Department when somebody has power. We talked for about 20 minutes and we promised to meet again when my Oral exam was schedule.

Now, I was worried, I knew I was having some troubles with the wordy phrases, the long sentences and the multiple choice answers. I was trying to follow, I mean, reading the idea, trying to find out which paragraph was the best idea to resume what each text was about. I became very sleepy, I was tired, I wanted this over but at the same time I was pushing my self to finish my reading, to think in the grammar and trying no to get distracted by my oppressing chest. This exam started at 10.30 and I left the room just before noon. And I was the second person to leave. I was heavy. Just when I left and when I realized it was over, my head became heavy…I was more dizzy than before…the chest was calming down. I was watching the people walking on the street. I didn’t want to think, I was controlling my lungs, I was trying to relax.

And say she’s lost control again.

And she showed up all the errors and mistakes,
And said I’ve lost control again.
But she expressed herself in many different ways,
Until she lost control again.
And walked upon the edge of no escape,
And laughed I’ve lost control.
She’s lost control again.
She’s lost control.
She’s lost control again.
She’s lost control.

When I got to work I walked to the library to return the books I used to practice for these tests. Then I went to my office, I was pealing my orange in my way back, I was thirsty, really thirsty, I was walking a bit faster. I went to the kitchen to heat my lunch…then I was almost breathing my soul away, as I was having hyperventilation, my colleague asked me if I was alright, I lied and I said it just the weather. I walked slowly, tired and kind of lost.

I started to work…I had a little headache. And I was thinking of that song

I could live a little better with the myths and the lies,
When the darkness broke in, I just broke down and cried.
I could live a little in a wider line,
When the change is gone, when the urge is gone,
To lose control. When here we come.

Joy Division “She Lost Control” 1978

The Lesbian and The 10,000 Maniacs

It’s 8.33 pm and there is still light…and that freaks me out.

More light, more hours, more people outside doing activities, I haven’t see so many dogs outside, where were they all Winter? Kids playing, cars playing electronic or rap music on their sub-woofers making vibrate my windows. While Winter was quiet and cold, and as I said before, there is no Spring or Fall season in Canada, you jump one to another.

Last weekend I met my gay friends, the 2 Jeffreys. We had breakfast worshiping bagels at the Bagel Shop. Jeff, as usual, ate his lumberjack breakfast, and Jeffrey just a bagel like me. Her mother and sister were there, they are nice people, simple and were and will live all their lives at Hintonburg, the fancy neighborhood were an old house can cost half a million easily. When Jeff’s mother said how fast a house was sold in her block I was thinking, dreaming, crying for the possibility to buy a house. I thought of my father that at my age had me (I’m his 3rd child), got his 5th car, got a permanent job and was owner of a house. Me? Not even a permanent job or security in that area. We went after to other places for eating. I drove Jeffrey to his apartment in downtown. He were listening music of the 80’s, singing like maniacs. He moved not long time ago and his place was a real mess, full of boxes and in total disorder. He has 2 cats, the mess was that bad the cats were invisible and the litter box was just another litter box.

With both Jeffreys I went to a second hand fair at the Parkadale Church, that evening there was a concert, I really enjoyed despite they didn’t play exclusively classical music, but it was pleasant. Sunday I did some things at home and I had a nap.When I woke up around 5pm I was having anxiety. I got scared and a rush of ideas came to my mind: my birthday, getting old, being alone, no expectations at work with the jerk of my boss, and the worst, Summer was coming. I tried to call people (let’s face it at least 2) and of course nobody answered. On Monday again, the sun came out earlier…I was freaking out, my chest was pressing me too much and I tried to call down but that just happened when I went to my yoga class. Driving my way home ideas of how many hours I have to wait until to go to bed without any fear, without thinking…tomorrow I got things to do until 4 pm. After, I couldn’t concentrate myself to study for my French exam of tomorrow. In fact, I’ve been very distracted by the sun, the light, the people outside my window and nothing else to do.

On top of that I registered to my second Accounting course. Accounting II freaks me out again. A friend told me to quit and do something else but I don’t want to. It reminds me when I broke up with my ex bitch my mother was calling me and telling me to come back to Peru…no way, I can’t go back to live with another crazy woman. Now that I’m writing those line I’m scared. In my Finance course I got D – , and I thought I studied hard. My friend from another course told a Chinese teacher was excellent but I realized she wouldn’t teach this semester I panicked. And when I panic I cannot talk. That reminds me than in 1 week I got my English oral exam. Everybody says I speak well (bloody Canadians) they will never say they don’t understand me. At least at work when I ask something nobody understands me and I have to repeat again and again the same phrase. I don’t even understand myself. When I speak to my Swedish friend she doesn’t listen to me and I had to repeat several times my phrase. Awful.

Because of my classes will be Mondays and Wednesdays I will miss my yoga lessons. Why am I studying? Because I like finance and I don’t want to be a clerk the rest of my life.I know I can do more important tasks than filing and labeling. I hate myself now, I hate not being able to control things like work, where I spent 7.5 and where is no other opening job available right now.

Monday will be my birthday. Ummmm, I was trying to remember what I wanted the most in that day when I was kid. I remember now, not to have born. I got a friend in Peru who didn’t or skipped his birthday, cut his phone, avoid that day university, didn’t accept any birthday wish, nothing. I was like him. But now, near my .39 years of tribulations, full of defeats, full of fear and totally alone…with a miserable job and with a chest that crash my lungs.

The boss I work now told I will back to my other group next Monday. I wasn’t happy, I don’t want to go back with them. I know when the boss arrives, he sighs every time, his breath has 800 decibels, jerk, jerk with degree.

I went to a second hand store looking for new obsessions, I mean, music. I found 10,000 Maniacs unplugged. Beautiful compilation…what I remember the most about Natalie Merchant, the vocalist, was an interview where she said the most beautiful love story she knew was her grandparents’ love. Her granny passed away her granddad was so sad that he died 5 months later. Those love declarations and ritual don’t exist anymore.

Tomorrow, I got 2 French exams…am I panicking? What do you think?