What happened this week? To be honest, I didn’t feel that proud of not saying thanks to the doctor’s assistant, it’s not my nature…but I hate to be waiting for nothing or being ignored at the waiting room with future mommies with gigantic bellies texting every single second. I did my groceries…I spent like 25$, which means my fridge was totally empty, some agonizing sad bread slices, baby tomatoes completely dried, 1 orange, some eggs, 1 lt of milk and 2 onions…poor fridge…but that gave time to do some archaeology and throw some Paleolithic food into the garbage…that old my rotten food was. What I was eating? Crap, of course, like chips and things like that, nothing to be ashamed of but nothing to be proud either.
I went this morning to grief group. I almost didn’t make it, my tummy is hurting me because of shoveling too much, I’m not supposed to do it after an hysterectomy. Despite I lost my uterus I didn’t lose my ovaries, so that means, hormones work very well, so well, I feel down. It’s been a while since I didn’t eat ice cream (my natural anti-depressor drug), I really didn’t want to go. What for? I pushed myself to start the day as usual, preparing my lunch of the week and then I left for the meeting.
Just when I was waiting for the rest of members, Colleen, the pushy lesbian said hi to me, and asked me how I was. I said “fine”, she said she came for another activity and left without saying good bye or turning her back or nothing else. I was too tired to tell something sarcastic like “bye” or “have a nice day”. Two new people came to the group. This time the Kleenex was highly required. People crying for their lost and showing angry. The new member lost his wife 1 week ago, the other lost her son 2 years ago. At some point I was tired to see and listening the same people crying or upset, specially Sharleen who is totally aggressive and takes all the space in the group. So far, nobody has died in my family, I said to the new members, but my father is starting Alzheimer, doesn’t remember things, confuses other things and asks 7 times the same question….I lost my best friend, I lost my father, I lost my guide, I lost the most beloved person on this earth but….he is still alive…somehow is dead, or at least his memory, somehow when he came last year I became like his mother….so hard, so heart breaking…impossible to talk to him about simple things or have a normal conversation…when I talk to him on the phone makes me feel more alone than usual, reason why I don’t call him often like before.
After listening Sharleen talking all the time “when Michael died..my daughter…me…you know….” her voice became more soprano and started to cry adding all the time “you know…” and then a hysterical laugh that creeps all my body…like she was one pervert character of Poe’s tales…just awful…I feel mentally ill when I’m around her…Sundays at church I just try to get away from her. I’m not saying “hey, get over it right away” I’m just saying when one person takes all the space is too heavy after 2 hours, plus, some other people crying and suffering for the people they lost. When I entered to this group it was to grief my father’s illness but also my ex relationship, I don’t feel the space for that since there are too many dead corpses in the room, talking about my ex-bitch and daddy it doesn’t fit too much there. And it’s sad but… I don’t feel the space for that and I’m not in the mood of fighting for having 1min 30 secs of listening.
I sent a link to Ellen, one of the leaders of the group about a break-up video. She replied “I’m thinking if you felt that way”…I got shocked…and then I realized she was right. It was a video from Gnarls Barkley, one of the actress in the video played in “Pariah” the lesbian movie that you should watch. Anyways, I play that video and I confirm the things usually the person who is left behind feels like…”every person I’ll meet be meticulously compared to you”, ” I got an empty cavity…technically I’m heartless”…and the things the girl says it’s almost what my ex said just more violent. Watch the video and decide yourself
On the other hand, a new lesbian movie will be released soon. What’s special about this “new” movie? Well, it’s about an elderly lesbian American couple who go to Canada to get legally married.. When I sent it to my American friend, also in the grief group, who’s lesbian she replied my email 2 days later saying…”we should go with LGBT welcoming group from Church, Colleen and Heidi”. I was furious, Colleen? the woman who leaves without saying bye, the woman who was so pushy for going to LGBT potluck and I had to give all my private suffering in order to she left me alone? Heidi? She barely speaks to me and she is such a bitch when she wants…I said to my friend “do whatever you want with the movie” . It’s out of the question I’ll go to the cinema with them. Watching a movie for me, it’s like masturbation: you do it alone for your own pleasure. I don’t go very often to cinema because all the movies are from Hollywood, I watch more European stuff which is great and is always on DVD’s. Not because there’s a gay movie on the market it means I’ll go. I watch movies that are different, no mainstream, from other cultures to learn, not to get trapped in the fantasy or in a boring happy end. Even Orson Wells hated happy endings, life is not like that. But the point is I won’t go if I’m invited, and I don’t think I’ll be invited. Last time I went to see Django hoping American cinema won’t be that predictable…guess what…I was wrong…again.