The White Leather Jacket

Interesting things happened this week, but the most scary was just yesterday when I went to take a look at my favorite second hand store. But let’s started in order.

Monday was holiday here in Ottawa, Family day, everybody working at the province had day off …everybody but me…since I work under the federal jurisdiction. But Church organized an activity. I decided to go and it was nice. There were totally unhealthy food like chips, sausages, cookies, and some fruits with chocolate. I greeted the Minister and I spoke to a retired woman (again, members of this congregation are over 60). She lives in a home for seniors and she told me they’re organizing a calendar…with half naked members of the retiring house. I had to pick up my jaw…just like in the British movie “Calendar Girls”. I got astonished but then my morbidity started to work…”ummm, old naked chicks….I need to buy that calendar”, the woman told me they weren’t totally naked…but anyways…now my curiosity is totally awake.

At that moment, my American friend arrived but first, his boyfriend came with a tasteless vegetarian pizza. He’s a bit taller, taller than me but same high that my friend, he’s fat, with a horrible half-made tattoo in his arm, almost head shaved and wore a cap….he’s transsexual, female to male (FTM). I was looking at him, it’s the first time I meet a FTM, I spoke all my life with MTF, all them their transition was good, aesthetically speaking I mean. I tried to talk again to the woman at my table and my American friend came and introduced to me to his boyfriend. We shake hands, his hand had feminine texture, his face was under the hormones …which means, his face had some female traits. His voice too, her hips show despite his obesity, female curves. I don’t know how long he’s taking hormones but changes aren’t that much to say physically he looks like a man, it looks more like a butch. He was sitting in another space with my American friend and seemed ok. But he was always behind his girlfriend. Once she told me she never calls him “boyfriend” just partner, she said “because is not the right thing to say boyfriend, he’s not totally that, partner is the right term”. Of course, I don’t think she said that to him. He lives in Portland and comes or my friend goes time to time. Yes, long distance relationship. Will this work out? I don’t know, so far, when people are geographically distance, the gatherings are intense…until they live together and want to go back at the distant past. I lived that experience.

All week was ok, but yesterday since I got nothing to do at night, I went to the second hand store looking for black pants. No luck…the funny thing is I was day dreaming about a white leather jacket, dyke style and I wasn’t able to find one, not even a new one. I thought of my ex, she had a nice one, well, I remembered that jacket as the hottest one. So, I after my lack of luck in the pants section I went to see a leather jacket….and look what I found…my ex jacket! No kidding, it was her jacket….I remember she had a Medium size which it was giant for me. I got paralyzed…it can’t it be hers. Suddenly I remembered “Being Jessica”, in the tv series the subject of the past was the best or some souvenirs we keep in our minds are beautiful….when every time she jumps back in to the past to live that beautiful moment again…she realizes it wasn’t. I experienced the same thing. I thought it was the hottest jacket and when I saw it again…it was ugly, and it looked like plastic…I inspected every single detail…just to make sure it was HER jacket, I even smelled it. It had a perfume odor…just like her. I’m sure it was her jacket. I tried and yes, it was too large for me…then, I thought, why her jacket is there? Well, the jacket looks out of time, not fashion anymore, 4 years ago was nice, not anymore or…her ex or somebody he knew got it and tried to get rid of it. I checked the clothes section to see if there were more clothes of her…nothing…it was really weird.

I went back home totally disturbed…thinking and thinking what happened that to me….why…and why again…it was like she was trying to get in contact with me…because I don’t want to be in contact with her…I just drove upset and a bit mad…me, trying to meet new people and I found her bloody jacket…like if something in past was still hooked…I want to get rid of all that… I do more activities outside…it’s nice…but no luck to meet women with brains…so hard to find those ones….tomorrow I got the grieving group meeting…will I check this event?… Past is past, coincidence is coincidence…whatever it was…it wasn’t funny, but still, I’m looking for a hot white leather jacket.


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