I was very upset, not upset but furious, in total rage when my friend told me “you should love your self”. But, I mean, this a question about self-esteem and to be honest with anyone here and there, I think I do, I love myself.
She sent an email giving the phone number of the Mental Health Crisis Line in Ottawa. I was in shock when I received that message…also, she was inviting me to have soup at her place…no way, driving at -30 for soup????? Well, I received the email just the next day because I shut down the laptop and my phone…I had enough for a rough, rough, rough day.
I was wondering and questioning myself about my friend’s word “how do you get grounded? do you go to a restaurant? do you do shopping? friends?” …For me, my cultural background, material things aren’t important, it’s important what you’re, what you feel, your connection and solidarity with reality…but going to a restaurant? That day I decided to go out to my second hand store…there was nothing and I was glad because I didn’t want to have more cd’s. I parked near a coffee shop and I decided to buy a cheesecake…the place was full of retired people, I looked like a baby there. In fact, I forced myself to buy and eat that because of my friend, apparently, seems average people do those kind of things to get grounded. I sat, I saw the cheesecake and its decoration…I tasted it…not that sweet, not that good enough, not for 5.45$, but the only think I liked was the place, the sun on the window and then I laughed at people outside walking at -26. Then I remember why I don’t go to restaurants in Ottawa….most of then their food suck!
I got message in my cellphone, my Swedish friend invited lunch with other people, her English boyfriend and her Lebanese friend who was his birthday. We went to the Fish Merival Market. We asked fish and chips….if that thing I ate was fish I’m Batman!!! Another reason I don’t eat that kind of fish, it was like eaten boxed fish, tasted nothing, almost cotton. At least I had company for a while. But I was feeling so exhausted, I went home and I crashed in my bed…until the afternoon. I didn’t want to do anything.
But at night, my friend’s questions were haunting me…I hated that…but I needed an impartial opinion…who to call…so I decided to call the Mental Crisis Line. I dialed and a guy said “so, what’s up?”. And then I started to explain my surgery, the hormone shots, feeling down, blue, my friend and sentences. I asked him “how can you know a person loves itself?”, he said “that’s a difficult question”. Well, if you don’t know how a call center like that works is basically this: no matter what question people ask you, you must try to be impartial, no to give too much advise, just listening. He did that all the time…and I asked him, knowing he wouldn’t be able to answer “why did she say I don’t love myself?, because I was down?, because I got low self-esteem?” and then I said “listen, my hormones are awful, put me down yes, but I take care of myself, of my cat, of my finances, I try to keep healthy, I’m almost vegetarian, I dress properly, not now because I’m at home, I know what I want in life, before I knew what I didn’t want, I’m gay, I’m trying to meet people but is very hard, I do some activities but even with that I don’t connect with people. Probably I don’t love myself 100% but I’m sure I love me at least 51%”, saying that I was upset and perplex…the guy on the line said “for me, it seems you got self-esteem and you know where you want to go, for me you did very brave things like doing activities alone and trying to meet new people”…and I said “so why did she say that to me? that I don’t love myself?”, he said “probably she was trying to help you but personally I try to remark the important things of that person”. I said …”I wanted to punch her!” ..”that is not a good idea” he replied and then ” do you have a punching bag at home”?. Our conversation ended after 30 minutes…I felt relieved and I went to sleep with my cat…it was a cold night…-38.
This morning I went to look for second hand cd’s, I got Robert Palmer “Addictions Vol 1”, Robert Plant “Manic Karma, R.E.M. “Eponymus”, George Michael “Faith” and Dave Matthews Band “Busted” this time, both cd’s were there because I bought time ago this cd with only the DVD on it. Curiously, they were selling boxing gloves…I was really tempted to buy them but too expensive and I don’t do exercises now.