Mercury Falling…Blood Rising

It’s Sunday again, and it’s -6 in Ottawa. The apartment temperature is cooling down too. But many things happened this weekend, good and bad, in that order. My antisocial phase started again but not because I wanted to be isolated but a toothache put things in perspective.

I went to the dentist, my very first time here in Canada. That’s a bad news. I asked my Swedish friend for a reference and she gave the name of one woman, apparently Romanian, her name is Savescu. When you go to the dentist is already painful, but paying is the most dramatic thing, scary and even worse, they give you the amount without Novocaine (anesthesia). When I arrived I saw all the instruments and chair…old, like in Peru in those public hospitals….well, my dentist in Peru is high tech if you compared with this dentist. I explained her what the situation was. She shot me novocaine and started drilling, apparently I had cavities but I thing I’ve already had fill there but she had to put new one, in fact, she filled like 3 holes there. After she sent me to another assistant to clean my  teeth. I should have seen this person for Halloween. When she was cleaning my teeth with her instruments (kind of fine hook) pulling out the tartar from my gums, blood was splashing, like a little river. I think I lost like a glass of blood in this process. After 45 minutes she showed me mirror….OMG, my gums were still bleeding. I had more than gingivitis that’s what she said, she gave me dental floss, a little tube of Colgate and a toothbrush. I went to pay at the reception….almost 600$, that my insurance paid 90% .

Ufffff, horrible experience because the thing didn’t end there. I had to go back on Wednesday because the fill was too high and I was in pain for 3 days…and still today there’s pain, less, but pain is there. So that Monday I went to the dentist, in the afternoon I went to college to see my results. Well, teacher put the marks online, from 30 points I did 20. Not that bad but not good either. But I was satisfied, I was dreaming of having a B- but the final exam will be only December 10th.

On Wednesday, after seen the dentist again I went to the office and I worked as usual. In the afternoon, around 1pm, the DG (Director General) called me asking me if I could see him at his office, thing I did in 5 secs. When I arrived I spoke a bit with her assistant, I noticed there were people at the DG’s office, so I assumed he was in meeting, but then the assistant told me to go inside….in that meeting?… In the office, my boss, his boss and the big boss, the DG, were all there. I felt paralyzed….I thought “God, what I’ve done now”…The DG started saying “you seem scared” and my boss said “I don’t blame her” and everybody laughed, not me. The DG said “well, you know the situation here with all the layoffs, I know, because your boss tells me you work very hard, you always helps here when somebody asks you, you always helps”, he pulled a yellow file and said “I know you’re contract is finishing so and probably you wanted to start another job…” I opened the file…it was another contract….the DG added “I can’t promised you a permanent job but we’re extending you until 2014…I know is difficult this situation, I was casual, and then term and after a while I became permanent…” I couldn’t believe it, I was speechless, I saw the contract and said until March 2014, 1 more year. I said OMG, I mimic cleaning tears from my eyes….I grabbed a pen and I signed again. I said “Thank you so much, this is my Christmas gift. “Good for you” said the DG. Then I left and my boss told me not to tell anybody at the office about this. Which I promised, I didn’t put it either on my Facebook. I was happy, more than happy, I sent emails to my Swedish friend and my therapist. When I arrived home I talked to my friend in France and everybody was happy about the news.

That afternoon I had classes again. I spoke to the teacher asking how much marks I needed for having a B- (that gives you the equivalence for the Certified General Accountants of Ontario). He saw my marks and said “you need a perfect mark of at least 39 points of 40”. I was in shock…I’m limited in maths…having a perfect score in the final for me is impossible. I felt totally discouraged and the worse, not motivated at all.Why study for this final knowing I won’t have B-? Probably C+, which it doesn’t help. I left the classroom not feeling my legs…the good news of the job were eclipsed by this news. I went home, I ate an avocado and oatmeal…and I tried to sleep…I wasn’t happy at all.

Next day I went to the Library to return my documents. I picked 2 movies. “Drive” and “The Runaways”. The first one….so….boring. The second was about the beginnings of Joan Jett’s band. I didn’t know she started this band when she was a real teenager, the vocalist was 16 at the time. The film is low budget and shows a group of girls who didn’t know much about music or sex but came from broken families. Jett was portrait as  punk and rebel in a rock world ruled by men. It was a revolutionary rock band on its time….women rocking? A woman playing electric guitar? Joan made a real punk revolution. Everybody says Jett is lesbian, well, she’s vegan…so, do you need more proofs? In the movie Joan kisses Cherie a couple of times but Cherie, vocals, said the group was a group of young girls trying to discover herlselves, well, at time they must know what or who they’re. I agree they explored sexuality and adventure in those hard days when Runaways started…and it was Joan’s dream to be a rock star which she is now. Good movie, I recommended.

To not be that depressed for pain or for marks, I went to the second hand store again. For 3 weeks I didn’t go. I found the Cake “Fashion Nugget” with memorable songs like “the distance” or the cover of “I will survive”. And I found Sting “Mercury Falling”, I played immediately  I loved that song “I’m so happy I can’t stop crying”, about a father getting divorced….who never had a awful separation?

Seven weeks have passed now since she left me
She shows her face to ask me how I am
She says the kids are fine and that they miss me
Maybe I could come and baby-sit sometime
She says, “Are you O.K.? I was worried about you
Can you forgive me? I hope that you’ll be happy.”
I’m so happy that I can’t stop crying
I’m so happy I’m laughing through my tears

I saw a friend of mine 
He said, “I was worried about you
I heard she had another man, 
I wondered how you felt about it?”
I’m so happy that I can’t stop crying
I’m so happy I’m laughing though my tears
Saw my lawyer, Mr Good News
He got me joint custody and legal separation

I spent all my Saturday doing groceries and listening to Sting. Sunday afternoon is beautiful when I drive in the empty roads…I miss company, I miss love…but I don’t miss all the mess a separation brings with. When I broke up with my ex, I spent some days in Women Shelter…there, one social worked asked me if I had kids. I said no. She said “that’s good because in a violent relationship is hard for them”. I suffered conjugal violence. Yes, that exists even gay couples, I’m one of those survivors…and what the social worker told me is still recorded in my mind.

I want new things for me…I’m trying to find the way out.

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