Tuesday, the day after of my finance exam catastrophe, I woke up earlier that day and my cat was just beside me. I asked her “Do you think I’m a failure?” She just looked at me with her big yellow eyes, compassionate and with a surprise look. I’ll take it as “Why are you saying that?”. My Swedish friend sent me an email saying and I quote her “shit happens”, “stop thinking of that and focus in the next test”. I didn’t answer, I was still furious for my low performance. I decided to study more, I mean, consciously. My friend in France told me it wasn’t that bad, that the next will be better. Another friend from France too told me “you’ll succeed only if you study harder, say to yourself <if I want, I can>”. Probably they’re right. No, they are right.
Since I didn’t answered my Swedish friend, she phoned later that night. She told me to have the positive thinking and there was a conference at church about economy that I should go. After reading a couple of chapters I went there. The conference was given by woman with masters in economics, the power point presentation was a bit long and heavy. I was almost sleeping. Her view of the actual society and what is happening in Europe, was interesting. At the end, she made an apocalyptic portrait of the future economy: total chaos, a real jungle, scarcity and financial crisis…yes, because what we’re living right now, and she proved with graphics and statistics….we haven’t reached the bottom..yet. To be honest, her vision of future was likely to The Walking Dead mixed with Greek aspects.
Yesterday, I had class. but before I went to see my ex classmate from Central America Margarita. She encouraged me too with the course and push to continue. She invited my tea and we were talking about everything and she knows about my surgery, she offered herself to help me at home with some tasks. I was surprised and touched, she knows I got nobody here, family or friends (except my Swedish old friend). For a moment I remembered the Latinoamerican hospitality and help. She is a nice person but doesn’t know I’m gay, I have to be careful because she could run away easily. We said bye and I went to class with another attitude. There weren’t many students. I had mad eyes but I was concentrated, literally, I was “there” and not in the Moon or Pluto. My classmate, another girl from Latinoamerica but who is not that nice like Margarita was there too. I try to avoid her, she always attached to her iPhone, plugged even in class. Some students had troubles with the Sharp calculator so we went to see the teacher. At some point we were circling him but she came later behind me. She put her 2 hands near my shoulder message to leave her space. She just touched lightly but I felt it like an aggression. I moved abruptly, like being touched by a leprous and I moved closer to the teacher. After I fell in my arms like if something dirty or something burning was still there. I felt that heat I wanted to go to take a shower…it was too awful as sensation, I hate when people touch me from behind even nicely I got a reaction of turning back and fight . But this is the first time I got the sensation something or something dirty was in my body and burned. Awful. Is the Canadian basic space in my body now? After living so many years….is that possible?
Today, there was at work a fare to collect funds for poor people….not money for me, not yet. The library of my office was full of second hand books, dvd’s and cd’s…you know what I bought, eh? The quantity of fiction books was impressive but there was a little cart with classics and I bought “The Aeneid” of Virgil, Shakespeare “Much Ado About Nothing” and 3 books from Virginia Woolf, since Alison Bechdel talks and quotes her so much. I got “Orlando”, “Mrs Dalloway” and “To The Lighthouse”. Cd’s? Radiohead “The Bends”, Moby “18”, Metric “Old World Underground, Where Are You?”, New Order “The Rest” remixes and Putumayo collection “Afro Latino”. Interesting selection.
After that, I had my physiotherapy. Sarah told me next week will be my last session since my knee is almost healed. To be honest, when she said that I felt sad. She and her assistant are the only people I talk often, they’re not my friends but is always nice talking …just that, talking. Not to see her again is like loosing the coffee break friend. A fake friend. Then I drove home, I cleaned a bit the apartment and I studied more. Tomorrow Friday, last day..the only nice thing of going to work these days is we had cheesecake, employees bring those things to be “more productive”…I got an addiction to cheesecake and I’m proud of it.