My last period, officially speaking ended the 16th. However, this shot because I started my shots to induce me my menopause before my surgery, is working, so is making my hormones go crazy and I restarted again yesterday.
My college mate sent me a text saying the marks of our first test were posted online. I checked quickly, I knew I did it bad but not that bad. Of 30 points I made 11. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, 11 miserable, bloody, stupid, disgusting points. I felt humiliated, insulted, my ego felt castrate (again). My stock market of hopes collapsed, the future value of my expectations were to hell, the present value was a sad and devastated reality. I failed. The teacher put all the exams on the first table, I could see my mates marks…everybody did over 20 and we are only 15 students, mine was the lowest, because before me there was a girl who made 16. I was furious. I grabbed my exam, went back to my place with my look of pittbull hurt. I checked quickly and I tore it in rage. My college who texted me, he sat beside me, he made 22, he saw me mad and he didn’t say anything to me, he left the room some minutes after he saw his results, he’s safe. Some tears were rolling down, I don’t know, it wasn’t sadness but angry. I wanted to give up the course and ask for reimbursement. I sent a little text message to another classmate, a girl from Nicaragua, I didn’t have a response. I studied like 3 weeks for that.
The class ended when the teacher said “Is everybody happy?” I was starring at him with, crunching my molars. What is worst is when I stood up I realized I need to change my tampon….nice… I didn’t have any on my bag…I went to the bathroom and no tampon machine was there. Anyway, I used my imagination with toilet paper to improvise a miracle. I left the building and I couldn’t find my car, while I was walking I smelled pot, 2 young students were smoking inside their car in the parking lot trying to get high with hip hop music. I finally found my car. I changed Sting cd and I put Crystal Method…while driving the singing song said “there is something coming to you”….grrrrrr, well, what else?. I got to my building parking, my latino classmate called me and was cheering me up saying “not everything is lost, I believe in you” I said, “glad you believe in me because I don’t believe on myself”. I was nice to hear her “lies?” or support.
At the apartment, I changed the Simple Red cd and I put Rage Against The Machine and I’m checking online the Obama vs Romney debate, the night is almost over. I feel like a loser, I mean, how could I made so many stupid mistakes? Why in the multiple choice I chose the wrong ones knowing deep inside of me that I was wrong? Why I wasn’t sure of myself? The test was simple, why I couldn’t figure out anything? I grabbed my phone again trying to call somebody, again my few list of contacts were limited….nobody to talk about it, nobody…a mad dog is heading the bed..feeling like break some furniture…but I don’t have any, just my table and my plastic chairs. In fact, when I was driving I hit the wheel, then I got scared thinking the probably the air bag could have popped up. When I left the building I punched a locker…what my therapist would say? “breath in, breath out” or “everything is going to be fine”…sure, tell that to Lance Armstrong.