I don’t know how Anglos say something equivalent…Francos say “Boff” for something that means nothing or is meaningless, like for example, if nothing happens in your life, when everything is so but so so hyper, mega, archi, supra boring you say “boff”. Today and in general this week, my life has been boff.
After my exam which I did really and shamefully bad, I just felt really tired, feeling like sleeping but at the same time I wanted to live …but I don’t know how. Despite doing some activities at church with the giant puppets, after studying or pretending studying hard, after calling my Swedish friend about the surgery date change, after buying the cd’s of Madonna “Like a Prayer”, Rage Against the Machine “The Battle of Los Angeles”, Sting “All This Time”, Pearl Jam “Vitalogy” and Simple Read (what I was thinking??!!) “It’s Only Love” and after loosing the opportunity to buy Blur “Parklife” which I really regretted…I feel more than boff. Nothing happens, nothing moves, everything seems static, moving by inertia. I enjoyed just a bit my purchases, I work more now because I got more responsibilities…but still, boff.
I rented some movies at the library. A super German film about the Red Army Faction (RFA) a terrorist group in West Germany during the 70’s, The Badder Meinhof Complex http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Der_Baader_Meinhof_Komplex, watch it! a little jewel. Then I watched The Informant, all movies based on real events. Matt Demon was ok, the movie was boff…it’s very difficult to have a high rate after seen something ok. However, I feel boff.
I took a shower, I don’t take it at night but I needed just to relax and sleep better. I forgot to pick up my mail, and just tonight I did, I left the credit card statement over the scale… unconsciously, I knew it was a heavy amount I guess. Why did I put it on the scale? Am I still obsessed with weight? Despite my 4 week of vegetarian diet I felt I recovered the 3 kilos I lost weeks ago. Should I take a fat burner? My knee will let me training more? The knee is going much and much better, my boff mood is just too…boff to deal with it.
I’m seeing my credit card statement…I have to pay before November 6th, and boff again, I wish I could throw everything out, the cd collection, the finance book…, the diet, the phone that never rings ( I even forgot the password of my work phone…because nobody calls me or leave a message). That state of solitude is not killing me anymore is just…boff.
When I came home, the only thing that make me realize I was alive was the fact that when I opened the door, my cat wasn’t there. I just checked everywhere, I panicked, I thought “Did anybody get here and the cat run away?” I checked and checked, in the bathroom, the cabinet, the kitchen, the living room. This awful sensation was hard…but still I was in control. I opened the fridge and I pulled out the meat, the cat heard it and…got out from a box!!! Above the box, there was another little box…how she could hide there? how long was she there? Did she do it on purpose? Then I recovered my breath, I jumped in the computer for checking the guacamole recipe and I made it. I ate a couple of toasts with guacamole and I then I napped….just boff, I woke up just half sleepy and I came here to write this boff thing that becomes so normal, so natural…Pearl Jam is singing “this is not for you”.
After reading “Are you my mother?” from Alison Bechdel, I decided to find the book “The Drama of The Gifted Child” which is mentioned in the book. Interesting, it talks about how the apparently kids who are the proud of the mothers or families are the most repressed with a high level of depression tendency, despite some memories that people can have about a happy childhood in fact, the true self is still hiding, the child with needs that never were filled up by parents and family those children become parents of their own parents. I read some interesting things…but when I tried to apply it to my life…boff, what for? I am in that boff state that I don’t want even leave my apartment.
Probably tomorrow will be better, probably not, should I buy more cd’s…no, I don’t think my finances will let me spend more money I should save for paying the credit card.