I’ve been away for a while basically because I was studying, or pretending studying. At the same time I was doing this or trying to, there was the annual giant puppets event at Church. I performed last year so I thought it’d be nice to repeat it again as a kind of personal traditional. The plot of this performance was based on a poem, inspired by the Hindu mythology where the world is supported by an Elephant, or several, as the Ramayana describes (and sometimes a turtle supports the Elephant). Some people were the elephant, another, the baby elephant, me, I was the one of blind wise men, I hold some giant faces that represented the chaos of the world. It wasn’t that fun like last year, where we recreated the settlement of Ottawa, with some parts of ecology etc etc, that performance was longer, like 40 minutes and the church was full. This time, full wasn’t that crowded and few members came. I was more concerned that there were 2 performances and I couldn’t have more time to study, plus the stress of my 400$ shot for my surgery and my period complicated the situation and I was feeling kind of…gggrrrrr…”I want to stay home and sleep” not even study, just relax, I really was in a bad mood but my belly was aching…bloody period.
Sunday went really fast, I wasn’t nervous about the exam, I was feeling cool and even confident. But when the paper was in front of me…everything when blank, I didn’t have one of the formulas required, other terms the problem was asking for I didn’t know it. How can it be possible study all chapter for 3 weeks and be ZERO in that important moment. I fell like crap, idiot, stupid, retard, loser, I even said to the teacher…”I screwed it”. I wanted to quit the course. After the test, I just drove for a while, not feeling hungry despite it was late at night, I just drove and trying to forget this shameful event, really, really shameful, I wanted to be an ostrich. I called me Swedish friend but she wasn’t there and I left a message. I went to bed with no feeling like watching the premier of “The Walking Dead”…I just wanted to forget everything…I felt crashed by a big piano like in the cartoons.
I called sick today. I just wanted to have more time for me and my…first shot. I went this morning to see that butcher…how much I hate that woman and her assistant. The first thing the assistant asked me was when my surgery will be. I told her January 21st, minutes later the gynecologist came to tell me there was a change…and of course, I’m the last one to know it. It’ll be January the 7th…glup, glup…she tried to be friendly and I was in my missing-warm-bed mood. I just asked if I’ll need the epidural shot for surgery….she said yes….DAMN….I won’t have babies but I’ll have all the procedure for a cesarean….OUCHHHH. She tried to put the syringe and shot me but my butt literally run away…it was bit painful…that thing of 400$ will put me in a menopause at my 38 years old, in order to shrink the “baby”.
I left without saying thank you or bye, I just wanted to run my car over all the clinic staff. I went to the Salvation Army Thrifstore, looking for a cd. I found Madonna “Confessions of the dance floor” Which despite the 2$ price I paid, this Friday there’s 50% off but I didn’t want to miss this opportunity. I found Petshop Boys orange album “Very” but I didn’t want to spend more money and I tried to hide for buying it this Friday. Just besides this store there’s another one, and I found there Faithless “Outrospective”….fantastic cd and I found Rod Stewart “The great American songbook”…a little jewel.
I ordered the Alison Bechdel book “Fun home” for me but finally I’ll give it to my therapist as a Christmas gift…I ordered at Amazon.ca but I don’t know why since I moved here in Ottawa, Canada post doesn’t deliver it anymore, just UPS which the service is just awful. After 3 essays the return your package if you’re not home. I was driving with my cellphone just beside me and I didn’t hear ring it…then just I realized I missed the intercom call and I drove even crazier because this time was my third time…I saw the UPS truck still parked then, it moved…so I waved my hand and I honked and the guy stopped…it was my package geez….just in time….I was 2 blocks from my building…what a miserable and despicable service.
I’m feeling, I don’t know…sad or nervous for January. My Swedish friend told me she’ll drive to the hospital and now, with the new date, she’ll have time to book her trip to Portugal…and this woman is retired, the hyper busiest person I’ve ever met. Not feeling motivated at all. I changed my tire, now I got the Winter ones on the car, I changed the oil and all service for 163$…..poor piggy bank…must suffering from anorexia these days.I did my laundry just to take advantage of my day off and when I went to the basement for picking up my clothes, one of the neighbors went to see I don’t know what in the washing machine room wearing a sport shirt and underwear …for a moment I thought “I don’t want to be rape for a ugly old woman who needs dental care”. I don’t what she was looking for…her missing pants on my cloths? No way, the washing machine was empty when I took it. Mystery….awful mystery.