The Lesbian and The Drag Show at College

Well, after some hours that New York became Atlantis I had some things to do. Yesterday It was almost 8pm, and I left home to go to college not for studying but for my first drag show. I went to the Drag Idol show 2 years in a small discotheque in downtown and I loved it, so I wanted to repeat the experience …again, my anthropological instinct was bigger than my sense of entertainment.

I was nervous while I was driving to the college, despite I studied hours before the event, I feel nervous and nervous, “how’s going to be the next exam?”” I have to perform”,” I need a high mark”, “why am I so aggressive lately?”, “why I want to isolate myself?”,” Why I need to public spaces without being disturbed by somebody?”,” Why I don’t want company despite my all solitude?” All those questions and more ideas where on my mind listening Placebo “Without you I’m nothing” , so many good semi-dark songs, so actual despite it was launched in 1998. I’m from the 90, not question about it.

At the parking I saw a little car and charged with tons of stuff in the back seat…I thought…”Oh! A drag queen must be coming here!” I wasn’t wrong. When I was going to the “Observatory”, the name of the College bar, I saw a tall drag queen and a short fatty girl carrying a giant black suitcase, of course, if you thought she was preparing for an overseas trip judging for the size of suitcase the drag’s clothes where there. She was dressed like a Hansel and Gretel character but she changed her clothes several times inside the bar. I arrived first at the bar, the drag couldn’t walk fast for the high heals I guess. I was expecting a huge line up but there was like 5 people and I went first because I got my ticket already in my hands…and the guy the security guy asked me for my ID…come on!!! Doesn’t look like I’m 38? Well, I don’t look it like, good for me.

At 8.30 the bar was kind of empty; I took a table of 4 at the front. The population was very very very young, under 24, plus full of women. They are more supportive with gay men, and I wasn’t wrong, too many girls I should say. The music was ok, the DJ was dressed like a bee. The time was passing and more people were coming, in groups, at some point, all tables were full but mine. Was I that intimidate? Just minutes before the show a girl asked if she could take a chair of my table, I said ok but then suddenly her friends sat on my table. We didn’t talk. I was checking the people, the ambiance; it was seeing some scenes of pariah. Dykes and butches sitting in tables with hot chicks, how do they do it? What’s their sex appeal? Since this a student bar, that means, nobody has money enough, so no waiters to bugging for drinks, you just sit and enjoy the event…4$, student price.

The drag queens came to stage, Zelda, a drag dinosaur in Ottawa and Crystal. They were very funny and with the expected typical bitch sense of humour. What I liked the most was the first way to discover the auditory. She said “let’s do our survey…how many lesbians are there here?, rise your hands” I think there were like 3 hands from a full house, of course there were many including me who didn’t rise any finger…then she said “Are you fucking kidding me? Just that?” Zelda replied “the rest in on the closet” Big laughs…and even if it was a joke it was true. I saw a couple of dykes who didn’t feel comfortable and left the show earlier. The drag queens asked to public to drink more, in that way public could see them totally gorgeous. Then she asked “how many straight people are here?” A big yell in the bar…she said “Are you proud of being straight?, seriously?” More laughs. Crystal is a former college student, photography and journalism, but I really doubt she works in that field.

I considered the event more like talent show, there was a current student from Business Administration, she seemed nervous to hell, but again, the syndrome of girls, girls, girls classmates helped her to endure. She had a little noisy group rooting for her. She seemed stiff at the beginning but in her last performance she felt more comfortable, or probably she was already drunk, whatever was first. Crystal performed “I will survive”. The Capital Kings, drag kings were present. The first drag king performed and danced with a couple of girls sitting on the first line, she seemed so awkward and clueless, the second girl with she danced with, was more into it and comfortable to dance. The drag kings performed one group act. They got a huge ovation. Then, there was a break, a drag king was giving away some flyers to all girls in the front, she ignored and didn’t give anything…I can’t believe it. That bastard ignored me. Why? I’m a such handsome boy!!! Or tomboy. Whatever, it disturbed me but what can I say. That king should put his crown in his…you know where. While other performances where on stage, this king was dancing and moving in his own universe, of course, the idea was people looked at him, which it worked on the first line, girls where twisting their heads to look. Anyway. The thing ended at 11pm. I was kind of sleepy…instead to have fun I did more urban drag anthropology and even I felt kind of down…this time not because I was alone, I wanted to be alone, and I didn’t understand the way dykes are with another dykes..I found the straight girls more condescending but I don’t have that kind of friends…while I was in the car listening Placebo’s song “Every you and every me” I thought I’m building this time higher wall to protect me but not necessarily thicker.

Lesbo Carving Pumpkins Before Mammoth Storm

This weekend has been very busy. Last Friday there was a comedy charity event organized but my Swedish friend. I spent 35$ and I knew the show wouldn’t be that funny…and I was right. Three performers, one from Nicaragua, acceptable, a guy who has a tv show that obviously I don’t watch it and I even forgot his name: boring….and the last one, a good girl comedian from Ottawa…I liked her a lot, we shake hands after the shows and she was selling a fridge magnet for 10$ as souvenir…no way…it seems comedians are not well paid here in Canada…well, if they earn something for something that boring, I see why magnets are so expensive.

Saturday I was studying for my second finance exam, this time I’m more enthusiastic and more concentrated. Well, I got no choice, I need a high mark this time no matter what. But that morning I went to the library again and in its second hand store I couldn’t, I swear, I couldn’t help myself to buy more cd’s. This time I bought nice stuff like U2 “Under a blood red sky” and “Rattle and hum”, Blur “Parklife”, Placebo “Without you I’m nothing”, OST of 8 Miles (Eminem), Green Day “Greatest hits”, Oasis “Be here now”, Weezer, the green album, Gorillaz, the debut album, Garbage “G”, Lenny Kravitz “Greatest hits” and another mistake, a bought Blues Travelers thinking it was Traveling Wilburys. Anyway, I should stop buying cd’s but this compulsion is stronger than myself.

Yesterday night, the weather network said a big mammoth storm will hit Ontario. After heard an earthquake shake some island in British Columbia and a tsunami will hit Hawaii…you ask yourself what’s the name of this movie? Apocalypses Now? Anyways, I don’t know how Republicans can deny the global warming (they call it climate change…they can be so wordy crap!). This morning was just chilly and a bit dark but a colleague from work invited me to do pumpkin carving…my very first experience despite I’ve been here in Canada for so long. Her son was before I arrived, he made the portrait of Bane, the character of one of the Batman’s movie, very neat job. He just left minutes later. This guy of 24 years old has his own business and earns more money than her mother with a master degree. She bought some medium size pumpkins and I start this dirty experience. First, you have to cut the top, big enough for your hand be able to scoop the interior. I did a pentagon on the top and the smell was so ugly….yuck, so glad I don’t like hunting because when I scooped I thought I was dressing an animal….aghhhh. Then, you have to scoop again in order the pumpkin skin be thin and easy to carve. My colleague print the cat from Shreck. I put the pattern and I fixed with scotch tape and then I punched with a sharp thing, I just did some dots, after I joined the dots with a pen and first part ready. I brought my Sting cd “All this time” so jazzy and was the soundtrack of this adventure…it was nice talking, carving, eating some pumpkin roasted seeds and drinking tea with her.

I used some carving tools she provided me and after some minutes the final result was interesting.For being my first time, I did a good job. It’s funny because at the beginning I wasn’t sure where I was going to do or what the result would be or what was going on the pumpkin skin. Too many things to do for the very first time. I carved with some little saws I was trying to do the best I could…the result you can see it now. So cute…and I wanted a cat…I almost cut one eye by mistake but I put a couple of needles to hold it because it was too delicate carving in some places. I was so happy of my pumpkin. I took some pictures, we put some tea lights and was just amazing. I felt so enthusiastic that I decided to do another one, more complex…and I was just exhausted but I did it. Before that, my colleague was drawing her design, a plant or something, using a drill and talking and talking. She made a ghost before, cute and simple, I think she bought like 8 pumpkins. She didn’t buy chocolates or candies, just little chips bags. She got tired easily.

She didn’t finish anything but she was cooking frozen pizza for dinner, she invited me some mini tomatoes and we continue to drink more tea. I cleaned the kitchen and I continued to carving the tiger…so hard, because so many thin lines plus, at the end, I had to put vaseline to preserve it since Halloween is in 3 days. The tiger was just fine, I think I did something to his eye but anyways, I’m far from being a pro but for a beginner is a good job.

I ate so much crap at her place…I ate pizza, chips, tea, chocolates…yuck, I feel my stomach had a suicidal coctel more than snacks. I left her place just a couple of hours ago. The street is full of maple yellow leaves and people don’t collect them yet because they’re waiting all leaves drop and make that mess big enough to fill up giant brown bags. It was nice to see the contrast between the yellow and the dark night. I told her many time how grateful I was of this experience, I had a lot of fun…she insisted to take the pumpkins with me but I preferred she kept them because she has a garden and balcony cold enough to resist until Wednesday, here at my apartment is to warm, plus my cat will play with the pumpkin. I visit her next week to see the final decoration of her place…a lesbo carving went really great…next year will be even more fun.

Post Finance Crisis

Tuesday, the day after of my finance exam catastrophe, I woke up earlier that day and my cat was just beside me. I asked her “Do you think I’m a failure?” She just looked at me with her big yellow eyes, compassionate and with a surprise look. I’ll take it as “Why are you saying that?”. My Swedish friend sent me an email saying and I quote her “shit happens”, “stop thinking of that and focus in the next test”. I didn’t answer, I was still furious for my low performance. I decided to study more, I mean, consciously. My friend in France told me it wasn’t that bad, that the next will be better. Another friend from France too told me “you’ll succeed only if you study harder, say to yourself <if I want, I can>”.  Probably they’re right. No, they are right.

Since I didn’t answered my Swedish friend, she phoned later that night. She told me to have the positive thinking and there was a conference at church about economy that I should go. After reading a couple of chapters I went there. The conference was given by woman with masters in economics, the power point presentation was a bit long and heavy. I was almost sleeping. Her view of the actual society and what is happening in Europe, was interesting. At the end, she made an apocalyptic portrait of the future economy: total chaos, a real jungle, scarcity and financial crisis…yes, because what we’re living right now, and she proved with graphics and statistics….we haven’t reached the bottom..yet. To be honest, her vision of future was likely to The Walking Dead mixed with Greek aspects.

Yesterday, I had class.  but before I went to see my ex classmate from Central America Margarita. She encouraged me too with the course and push to continue. She invited my tea and we were talking about everything and she knows about my surgery, she offered herself to help me at home with some tasks. I was surprised and touched, she knows I got nobody here, family or friends (except my Swedish old friend). For a moment I remembered the Latinoamerican hospitality and help. She is a nice person but doesn’t know I’m gay, I have to be careful because she could run away easily. We said bye and  I went to class with another attitude. There weren’t  many students. I had mad eyes but I was concentrated, literally, I was “there” and not in the Moon or Pluto.  My classmate, another girl from Latinoamerica but who is not that nice like Margarita was there too. I try to avoid her, she always attached to her iPhone, plugged  even in class. Some students had troubles with the Sharp calculator so we went to see the teacher. At some point we were circling him but she came later behind me. She put her 2 hands near my shoulder message to leave her space. She just touched lightly but I felt it like an aggression. I moved abruptly, like being touched by a leprous and I moved closer to the teacher. After I fell in my arms like if something dirty or something burning was still there. I felt that heat I wanted to go to take a shower…it was too awful as sensation, I hate when people touch me from behind even nicely I got a reaction of turning back and fight . But this is the first time I got the sensation something or something dirty was in my body and burned. Awful. Is the Canadian basic space in my body now? After living so many years….is that possible?

Today, there was at work a fare to collect funds for poor people….not money for me, not yet. The library of my office was full of second hand books, dvd’s and cd’s…you know what I bought, eh? The quantity of fiction books was impressive but there was a little cart with classics and I bought “The Aeneid” of Virgil, Shakespeare “Much Ado About Nothing” and 3 books from Virginia Woolf, since Alison Bechdel talks and quotes her so much. I got “Orlando”, “Mrs Dalloway” and “To The Lighthouse”. Cd’s? Radiohead “The Bends”, Moby “18”, Metric “Old World Underground, Where Are You?”, New Order “The Rest” remixes and Putumayo collection “Afro Latino”. Interesting selection.

After that, I had my physiotherapy. Sarah told me next week will be my last session since my knee is almost healed. To be honest, when she said that I felt sad. She and her assistant are the only people I talk often, they’re not my friends but is always nice talking …just that, talking. Not to see her again is like loosing the coffee break friend. A fake friend. Then I drove home, I cleaned a bit the apartment and I studied more. Tomorrow Friday, last day..the only nice thing of going to work these days is we had cheesecake, employees bring those things to be “more productive”…I got an addiction to cheesecake and I’m proud of it.

Lesbian Financial Crisis

My last period, officially speaking  ended the 16th. However, this shot because I started my shots to induce me my menopause before my surgery, is working, so is making my hormones go crazy and I restarted again yesterday.

My college mate sent me a text saying the marks of our first test were posted online. I checked quickly, I knew I did it bad but not that bad. Of 30 points I made 11. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, 11 miserable, bloody, stupid, disgusting points. I felt humiliated, insulted, my ego felt castrate (again). My stock market of hopes collapsed, the future value of my expectations were to hell, the present value was a sad and devastated reality. I failed. The teacher put all the exams on the first table, I could see my mates marks…everybody did over 20 and we are only 15 students, mine was the lowest, because before me there was a girl who made 16. I was furious. I grabbed my exam, went back to my place with my look of pittbull hurt. I checked quickly and I tore it in rage. My college who texted me, he sat beside me, he made 22, he saw me mad and he didn’t say anything to me, he left the room some minutes after he saw his results, he’s safe. Some tears were rolling down, I don’t know, it wasn’t sadness but angry. I wanted to give up the course and ask for reimbursement. I sent a little text message to another classmate, a girl from Nicaragua, I didn’t have a response. I studied like 3 weeks for that.

The class ended when the teacher said “Is everybody happy?” I was starring at him with, crunching my molars. What is worst is when I stood up I realized I need to change my tampon….nice… I didn’t have any on my bag…I went to the bathroom and no tampon machine was there. Anyway, I used my imagination with toilet paper to improvise a miracle. I left the building and I couldn’t find my car, while I was walking I smelled pot, 2 young students were smoking inside their car in the parking lot trying to get high with hip hop music. I finally found my car. I changed Sting cd and I put Crystal Method…while driving the singing song said “there is something coming to you”….grrrrrr, well, what else?. I got to my building parking, my latino classmate called me and was cheering me up saying “not everything is lost, I believe in you” I said, “glad you believe in me because I don’t believe on myself”. I was nice to hear her “lies?” or support.

At the apartment, I changed the Simple Red cd and I put Rage Against The Machine and I’m checking online the Obama vs Romney debate, the night is almost over. I feel like a loser, I mean, how could I made so many stupid mistakes? Why in the multiple choice I chose the wrong ones knowing deep inside of me that I was wrong? Why I wasn’t sure of myself? The test was simple, why I couldn’t figure out anything? I grabbed my phone again trying to call somebody, again my few list of contacts were limited….nobody to talk about it, nobody…a mad dog is heading the bed..feeling like break some furniture…but I don’t have any, just my table and my plastic chairs. In fact, when I was driving I hit the wheel, then I got scared thinking the probably the air bag could have popped up. When I left the building I punched a locker…what my therapist would say? “breath in, breath out” or “everything is going to be fine”…sure, tell that to Lance Armstrong.

The Autistic, The Lesbian and The Housewarming Gathering

As almost all Saturdays I went to my second hand store. I bought Blur “Think Tank”, Paul Oakenfold “Greatest Hits & Remixes”, 1 cd and 1 dvd, The X Files OST and Mission Impossible OST, then I went to Gatineau and I found Soulfly “Primitive”. I was very sleepy but I pushed myself to go out. I drove peacefully…I jumped into my laptop and remembering the movie The Badder Meinhof Complex, I read in Wikipedia that the group Chumbawamba wrote a song about a famous member of the RFA. I checked the tunes in Grooveshark and I discovered they wrote a song about homophobia…I liked the lyrics…

Up behind the bus stop in the toilets off the street
There are traces of a killing on the floor beneath your feet
Mixed in with the piss and beer are bloodstains on the floor
From the boy who got his head kicked in a night or two before.
Homophobia,the worst disease
You can’t love who you want to love in times like these
In the pubs, clubs and burger bars, breeding pens for pigs,
Alcohol, testosterone and ignorance and fists
Packs of hunting animals roam across the town
They find an easy victim and they punch him to the ground.
Homophobia-the worst disease
You can’t love who you want to love in times like these
Homophobia-the worst disease
You can’t love who you want to love in times like these
The siren of the ambulance, the deadpan of the cops,
Chalk to mark the outline where the boy dropped
Beware the holy trinity: church and state and law
For every death the virus gets more deadly than before.”

I read Boing Boing blog about Temple Grandin, I checked on YouTube about a documentary about her. She is autistic but despite that she was able to have a master degree in animal behavior. Interesting her way of thinking and how she made a revolution in the meat industry ..on the slaughters…well, I’m almost vegetarian so good for the meat lovers. The most interesting thing about the documentary was the part the interviewers asks her what kind of magazines she likes to read…Grandin says “science” “not women magazines?” the interviewer replies…Grandin says “relationships are too boring”. Her taste for films the same, she repeated again “movies about relationships are too boring”. For an autistic person, have an interaction with the world is too difficult, social skills are almost zero…it remains me  a person….me, but I’m not autistic…or at least nobody told me that, so far.

Yesterday after my evaluation of my boff day, I got an invitation for a housewarming gathering. Somebody I know at church from Ontario bought a house in the Quebec side. Yes, while I left the QC republic she deserted from Ottawa. Now she leaves in the old town of Aylmer, famous as the Franco Desperate Housewifes suburb. Well, the old town is more like a big avenue of around 7 blocks with shops and boutiques, the rest of the area is shopping centers, and finally houses.

She bought a house of 140 years, in good shape, the last owner made renovations, lots of wood for my test, but my friend loves it. For me is nice, but to big for 1 person. I told her when I arrived, I was the first one, that she needed a cat. She’s still single reaching the 40’s. She told me months ago she was dating a guy older than him but at the end it didn’t work out. Now, her new house a nephew keep her busy. Despite the massive lay offs, she was one of the survivors, that was a relief, otherwise, to buy a house it wouldn’t have been impossible. Her place was prepared for the visitors. She gave a personal tour, she showed me the pool, the bathrooms, dinning room, the kitchen etc etc etc. Nice indeed but again to big for one person. There was a little table with 4 kinds of cheese, I tried some but it weren’t the best, am I losing my cheese tasting? or is the new diet? Anyways, I just ate almonds and olive bread…so good and so difficult to cut a slice. I know my friend learnt the fancy French art of living, spending lots of money in goodies, cheese, wine, San Pellegrino water, 3 types of milk ( I swear , I opened the fridge!), even fancy chips, 5 types of beers most brought by the guests, baguette pain etc etc etc…it seemed for food for an art exhibition opening…gay people? Just one, a man who looked like a fashion gangster wearing a black hat and me….invisible as usual. The second guests were a couple with a 2 months-old baby, they got a farm…a farm? an organic one…well…who wants to have a farm when just Summer is like a couple of months and weather is so difficult to deal with? Them, not me. Whatever, the woman seemed nice, I just wished good luck, the guy seemed new doing the farm administration, telling to the 3 guests how he couldn’t collect his tomatoes…anyway…no comments. The third guy was nice, in fact, he works at the same place like me but in another tower (we got like 7 towers). He told me he was from Vancouver but speaks fluently French, separated. While he was telling me his story suddenly I remember that my friend talked to me about the guy she was dating, a guy from the West…older than her…OMG, yes, I was talking without noticing imminently to her ex!!! Ufff, happily I didn’t mentioned anything about my friend’s loving life. One hour later the place was full of people who rarely introduced themselves, some couples telling their baby-children stories. I met a crazy woman with her little girl. I just wanted to be social and I asked an innocent question “What do you do for a living?” She told me she worked in communications….and she explained me about the community tv channels, the monopoly of big companies, the rights of citizen, the HD signals, the towers installed in town…Ok, ok, ok, my headache was ready to start without drinking any alcohol. She woman talked and talked about tv and while she was talking I just cut more Camembert cheese (which was tasteless). Bad idea, then another woman who works from the government came and talked about her boring job…well, I’m so glad I didn’t talked about me…because nobody asked me…just my friend’s ex, which was very kind and nice…the rest, dismissed. Well, in fact, everybody knew each other, at least 60% of them. For some it was the first time in that part of Gatineau, remember, Ontarians don’t cross the bridge, which by the way, one lane was closed.

The gathering was starting to dye around 10.30pm, I left after some minutes, I was glad to leave that place. Don’t get me wrong, the house is nice and cozy, the people not that bad, but the idea or drinking and eating with people who don’t dare to talk or are in little groups without including you was too much but I was glad that my effort wasn’t that bad. My social skills…are they improving? Well, I don’t think so, the Ontarians skills remains the same, little group, little people, not daring to talk to another strange at least that person has an interest on you.

I went to bed…my cat was very happy to see me again… I just kissed her…thinking meeting people is not that hard but is hard to break down those cultural walls, the Ontarians are the pro in building those, they meet you with an inch ruler and sanitizer.

Boff Day

I don’t know how Anglos say something equivalent…Francos say “Boff” for something that means nothing or is meaningless, like for example, if nothing happens in your life, when everything is so but so so hyper, mega, archi, supra boring you say “boff”. Today and in general this week, my life has been boff.

After my exam which I did really and shamefully bad, I just felt really tired, feeling like sleeping but at the same time I wanted to live …but I don’t know how. Despite doing some activities at church with the giant puppets, after studying or pretending studying hard, after calling my Swedish friend about the surgery date change, after buying the cd’s of Madonna “Like a Prayer”, Rage Against the Machine “The Battle of Los Angeles”, Sting “All This Time”, Pearl Jam “Vitalogy” and Simple Read (what I was thinking??!!) “It’s Only Love” and  after loosing the opportunity to buy Blur “Parklife” which I really regretted…I feel more than boff. Nothing happens, nothing moves, everything seems static, moving by inertia. I enjoyed just a bit my purchases, I work more now because I got more responsibilities…but still,  boff.

I rented some movies at the library. A super German film about the Red Army Faction (RFA) a terrorist group in West Germany during the 70’s, The Badder Meinhof Complex, watch it! a little jewel. Then I watched The Informant, all movies based on real events. Matt Demon was ok, the movie was boff…it’s very difficult to have a high rate after seen something ok. However, I feel boff.

I took a shower, I don’t take it at night but I needed just to relax and sleep better. I forgot to pick up my mail, and just tonight I did, I left the credit card statement over the scale… unconsciously, I knew it was a heavy amount I guess. Why did I put it on the scale? Am I still obsessed with weight? Despite my 4 week of vegetarian diet I felt I recovered the 3 kilos I lost weeks ago. Should I take a fat burner? My knee will let me training more? The knee is going much and much better, my boff mood is just too…boff to deal with it.

I’m seeing my credit card statement…I have to pay before November 6th, and boff again, I wish I could throw everything out, the cd collection, the finance book…, the diet, the phone that never rings ( I even forgot the password of my work phone…because nobody calls me or leave a message). That state of solitude is not killing me anymore is just…boff.

When I came home, the only thing that make me realize I was alive was the fact that when I opened the door, my cat wasn’t there. I just checked everywhere, I panicked, I thought “Did anybody get here and the cat run away?” I checked and checked, in the bathroom, the cabinet, the kitchen, the living room. This awful sensation was hard…but still I was in control. I opened the fridge and I pulled out the meat, the cat heard it and…got out from a box!!! Above the box, there was another little box…how she could hide there? how long was she there? Did she do it on purpose? Then I recovered my breath, I jumped in the computer for checking the guacamole recipe and I made it. I ate a couple of toasts with guacamole and I then I napped….just boff, I woke up just half sleepy and I came here to write this boff thing that becomes so normal, so natural…Pearl Jam is singing “this is not for you”.

After reading “Are you my mother?” from Alison Bechdel, I decided to find the book “The Drama of The Gifted Child” which is mentioned in the book. Interesting, it talks about how the apparently kids who are the proud of the mothers or families are the most repressed with a high level of depression tendency, despite some memories that people can have about a happy childhood in fact, the true self is still hiding, the child with needs that never were filled up by parents and family those children become parents of their own parents. I read some interesting things…but when I tried to apply it to my life…boff, what for? I am in that boff state that I don’t want even leave my apartment.

Probably tomorrow will be better, probably not, should I buy more cd’s…no, I don’t think my finances will let me spend more money I should save for paying the credit card.

The Lesbian, The Giant Puppets and The Financial Calculator

I’ve been away for a while basically because I was studying, or pretending studying. At the same time I was doing this or trying to, there was the annual giant puppets event at Church. I performed last year so I thought it’d be nice to repeat it again as a kind of personal traditional. The plot of this performance was based on a poem, inspired by the Hindu mythology where the world is supported by an Elephant, or several, as the Ramayana describes (and sometimes a turtle supports the Elephant). Some people were the elephant, another, the baby elephant, me, I was the one of blind wise men, I hold some giant faces that represented the chaos of the world. It wasn’t that fun like last year, where we recreated the settlement of Ottawa, with some parts of ecology etc etc, that performance was longer, like 40 minutes and the church was full. This time, full wasn’t that crowded and few members came. I was more concerned that there were 2 performances and I couldn’t have more time to study, plus the stress of my 400$ shot for my surgery and my period complicated the situation and I was feeling kind of…gggrrrrr…”I want to stay home and sleep” not even study, just relax, I really was in a bad mood but my belly was aching…bloody period.

Sunday went really fast, I wasn’t nervous about the exam, I was feeling cool and even confident. But when the paper was in front of me…everything when blank, I didn’t have one of the formulas required, other terms the problem was asking for I didn’t know it. How can it be possible study all chapter for 3 weeks and be ZERO in that important moment. I fell like crap, idiot, stupid, retard, loser, I even said to the teacher…”I screwed it”. I wanted to quit the course. After the test, I just drove for a while, not feeling hungry despite it was late at night, I just drove and trying to forget this shameful event, really, really shameful, I wanted to be an ostrich. I called me Swedish friend but she wasn’t there and I left a message. I went to bed with no feeling like watching the premier of “The Walking Dead”…I just wanted to forget everything…I felt crashed by a big piano like in the cartoons.

I called sick today. I just wanted to have more time for me and my…first shot. I went this morning to see that butcher…how much I hate that woman and her assistant. The first thing the assistant asked me was when my surgery will be. I told her January 21st, minutes later the gynecologist came to tell me there was a change…and of course, I’m the last one to know it. It’ll be January the 7th…glup, glup…she tried to be friendly and I was in my missing-warm-bed mood. I just asked if I’ll need the epidural shot for surgery….she said yes….DAMN….I won’t have babies but I’ll have all the procedure for a cesarean….OUCHHHH. She tried to put the syringe and shot me but my butt literally run away…it was bit painful…that thing of 400$ will put me in a menopause at my 38 years old, in order to shrink the “baby”.

I left without saying thank you or bye, I just wanted to run my car over all the clinic staff. I went to the Salvation Army Thrifstore, looking for a cd. I found Madonna “Confessions of the dance floor” Which despite the 2$ price I paid, this Friday there’s 50% off but I didn’t want to miss this opportunity. I found Petshop Boys orange album “Very” but I didn’t want to spend more money and I tried to hide for buying it this Friday. Just besides this store there’s another one, and I found there Faithless “Outrospective”….fantastic cd and I found Rod Stewart “The great American songbook”…a little jewel.

I ordered the Alison Bechdel book “Fun home” for me but finally I’ll give it to my therapist as a Christmas gift…I ordered at but I don’t know why since I moved here in Ottawa, Canada post doesn’t deliver it anymore, just UPS which the service is just awful. After 3 essays the return your package if you’re not home. I was driving with my cellphone just beside me and I didn’t hear ring it…then just I realized I missed the intercom call and I drove even crazier because this time was my third time…I saw the UPS truck still parked then, it moved…so I waved my hand and I honked and the guy stopped…it was my package geez….just in time….I was 2 blocks from my building…what a miserable and despicable service.

I’m feeling, I don’t know…sad or nervous for January. My Swedish friend told me she’ll drive to the hospital and now, with the new date, she’ll have time to book her trip to Portugal…and this woman is retired, the hyper busiest person I’ve ever met. Not feeling motivated at all. I changed my tire, now I got the Winter ones on the car, I changed the oil and all service for 163$…..poor piggy bank…must suffering from anorexia these days.I did my laundry just to take advantage of my day off and when I went to the basement for picking up my clothes, one of the neighbors went to see I don’t know what in the washing machine room wearing a sport shirt and underwear …for a moment I thought “I don’t want to be rape for a ugly old woman who needs dental care”. I don’t what she was looking for…her missing pants on my cloths? No way, the washing machine was empty when I took it. Mystery….awful mystery.