Lately, despite some little efforts, I’ve been struggling with my worst enemy:myself. Some phantoms were coming back, some ghost of my past, some unsolved family issues, everything came back just when I thought things were getting better after moving.
I was feeling very lonely yesterday, so I called my Swedish friend and I went to her place.I told her I was alone and she invited to come over.She welcomed very well, as usual, and when I called her I was feeling kind of confused. I wasn’t sure about what I wanted to talk. But I think I was feeling too overwhelmed, after the gay pride and have done a public came out. So, we started talking and she said “we need to know the way to find you friends”. She pulled a piece of paper and start asking me questions “what ages would you like to choose?””what kind of type would you like to meet? intellectual?” I don’t know how I said it but I did. I told her I’m gay. She is getting closer to the 70’s and is an active member or the Unitarian Church, my church. She said ” I thought the partner you were talking about all the time was a male”. I apologized and I said I didn’t know how to tell her. And after I said “do you want me to leave?” “no, no” she replied. “There is nothing wrong with being gay”. I felt relieved but awkward. She suggested to join groups at the Ottawa University but I said after a conference you live the place with empty hands, nothing happens, you don’t develop any kind of friendship. So, the idea to join a political party came out. Well, I don’t know how to meet people here but I’m sure in a noisy bar won’t be my thing. I said “there is nobody of my age” She said “of course they are, some people break up too”. She is an accountant and told me she had many gay clients. So she knew a lesbian couple they broke up but now my friend is retired. I can’t believe she knew more people that I’m.
I left her place and again that sensation of having left a burden behind and at the same time, another burden ready to be hold. I went home, I felt sad, it wasn’t late yet. I watched some episodes of Breaking Bad and sleep came in 1 hour.
I went to work, it was a long day since no invoices were coming, too long day. I came home earlier. No emails, nobody to talk on Skype. I was sneaking some Facebook profiles, checking with envy how some of them enjoying time with family and friends. But this afternoon was to hard and heavy for me. I went again to Gatineau, like a dog dreaming of his favorite bone. I went to see my ex. I mean, to park the car outside her place and waiting. That part of town has changed, more shopping centers, more places to spend your money. I stayed there for a couple of minutes. She wasn’t there, I guess she was with her girlfriend. I think she spent time the weekend at her place.
Lenny Kravitz song was on my car singing a love song….and I was thinking of Sisyphus myth that for me is a reality. The big stone downhill is my past which is something that I know perfectly, my only reference, something I got used to. The mountain is the relationship or even part of my life, the life I had in that relationship, the stone, my ex, my comfort zone?, past that is crashing down again and again and again. Probably my past is more comfortable, plain of regrets, something I know perfectly, something will not hurt me anymore, but I hurt it.
The stone can be many things, too many, too heavy, the myth is a reality….I’m trying to get out of that pattern…the pain is like a woman giving birth, like a Yakuza been cut his little finger, like an immigrant alone in a strange town.