Last Saturday was my final exam of Communications I, no idea how I did but I think I passed. It’s my second month in the capital so far…I’m still getting stable in the financial side. I found a “cheap” car insurance, cheap for the Ontarian standards, the total is $1174, something like $100 per month. If you remember, probably you don’t, some quotes were of $2000 and even $3000 per year. Because my lack of experience, I got only like 3 years…it was a real bless to have it.
I paid the phone bill, the internet and I’m just waiting for Hydro which I suspect it’s going to be a bit higher for being my first invoice. I started physio but today the therapist called sick, usually I go twice per week and I’m waiting for my insurance to pay me back. So, as you see, for one person, this can be heavy.
Last week I almost had a panic attack. Sometimes after work, when I’m home, alone, with nothing to do, I got nervous. Happily, I didn’t have the attack but it was closer. A friend of mine in France asked to change my diet, stop coffee (clean for 2 weeks now) and I’m taking St-John’s pills, kind of natural relaxing medicine. Also, another friend from France asked to see my therapist which I haven’t seen for almost 2 months. Honestly, I didn’t want to see her. What for? to talk about this again? I know the answers and I didn’t want to hear them again. It was too much what I was living at that moment. My mother’s birthday was coming and since we had a very bad and twisted relationship (she doesn’t accept very well my homosexuality) I chose not to talk to her. Every year when I phone her for Christmas or Mother’s day, she is always indifferent, treats me if I was nothing and at some point I didn’t see why I should I call her this year. But I think despite I say to myself it doesn’t affect me….it does in a indirect way. I talked about that to the therapist, I said everything about the physio, the possibility of surgery on my knee the MRI. I felt empty after that, but something inside my chest was burning…some tears escaped….and finally the therapist “what are you going to do to change that?” I knew she would say that, I don’t have the answer. I’m trying to do activities without success and school is getting to my nerves. I was feeling calm and relaxed in the chair, I liked the silence of her office. I think that silence that for me was sacred for her was uncomfortable and she tried to talk to me. She said “you seem depressed”. I just picked my bag and I said before leaving “yes, I’m depressed”. It was a waste of time, at least she has her money and me…not sure if I was depressed or too tired and exhausted to do this mental, physical and geographical move in all senses. When I was sick the week of the pseudo panic attack I felt totally hopeless, alone and lying on my bed. I got scared. I remember a friend of mine in Peru, he told me once having friends has a utilitarian objective. I understand much better now what he was talking about. I didn’t stay in her office because when she said “you seem depressed” I figured…”oh no, now she’s going to say to take pills” bullshit, being alone and having social difficulties to interact with people, pills won’t help or solve the problem. This town is a sum of ghettos. You family can be a ghetto, your friends from school and all people you knew when you were a kid. This physical and cultural abstraction, to have been taken from my homeland to move in Quebec and now in Ontario….wooow, too heavy for just one body and 2 shoulders.
Yesterday, I had my MRI in my pelvis, in fact, I got 2 big fibroids and the gynecologist asked for that test, that I waited like 7 months to be booked. I wasn’t painful but noisy and uncomfortable. The put me headphones to protect me from noise and I had to keep my respiration several times. The noise sequences were between 15sec until 5 minutes. I got a bit claustrophobic when I got inside the tube. They put me and injection that left my mouth with a metal taste. And there I was, feeling bombarded by noise and just a voice telling me “take a big breath, hold it in” some secs later “breath again”. I waited like 20 minutes after just in case if a reaction could happen. I asked after if I could see the pictures, the girl told “for confidentiality reasons we can’t show you the pictures, ask your doctor”….damn, it’s my body after all, I wasn’t asking for her opinion, just curious to see the big fibroid in 3D (big one is like 28cm long).
And that’s pretty much my Summer, with some weeks too hot, paying bills and …still alone.