Ash Wednesday

I continue my quote research, no success yet. I’m very disappointed of quality of service, most of them they ask you for your number and promise they’ll call you back….guess what….nobody calls you back. I literally finished the list on the phone-book. One woman gave a cheap quote and I’m just waiting if the number is  a real one and won’t jump until 2.300$ Yesterday also, my new Ontario driver’s license was delivered. It’s ugly, and with my picture of me, even uglier. I look like somebody from India and not from Peru. Before the picture was taken and any picture for provincial purposes, they advice you first “don’t smile”, that’s why I got the look of ” I shout my mouth and I follow the rules”.

Things at the office are very quiet. Hours pass in slow motion, no invoice dramas, no frantic research for a lost bill, nothing much, employees pass their time talking to each other about vacations, how the kids are going, family grass dilemmas, BBQ season, how much they spent in the backyard, it’s seems like any episode of TV American show about a suburb like: Desperate Housewifes or Suburgatory  or Cougar Town or I don’t know, those things like “happy families” do for feel less miserable. I mean, since the point of view of an immigrant, it’s is, since the others, this is totally normal. That reminds me that song of Bad Religion:

“‘Cause I’m a 21st Century digital boy,
I don’t know how to live but I’ve got a lot of toys,
My daddy’s a lazy middle class intellectual,
My mommy’s on Valium, so ineffectual,
Ain’t life a mystery?”

I didn’t write since 2 days for 2 main reasons. I was getting better from my violence episode. Sting and Dave Matthews were back in my radio. My 2 friends of mine in France where there to support me, much better than have a therapist beside me. I was like been totally blind by that irrational (but logical) growing inside of me like in the Alien movie, that when the creature is “ready”, rips and tears your stomach apart for getting out and escape. At the end was that, escaping. My friend told me and remarked that pissed me off when I went to the bar and I saw people in groups. “yes, you’re alone but you must do something in order to get contact with people” and again my friend “there’s no justification for violence. I can understand you’re alone and sad but I can’t understand why being violent. Don’t let the walls of you apartment like a Gruyere cheese”. I was that furious that I thought to punch the walls but I know the destruction could cost a lot, more than a car insurance at least. She made smile and laugh and she finished saying “open yourself to the people, you’re not the only gay and you won’t be the last one”. Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out.

I went to school to return a book to a colleague of mine. I think she’ll take another course with me this Fall. She was talking to me about her difficulties in her online class….of course, I didn’t pay attention and I was feeling sleepy. We did a “prisoner exchange”, I returned her book and she lend me another for my future exam in August. Believe, I was boring being there but at least a bit of chatting in Spanish was good. She’s another immigrant dreaming to have a diploma. We go to the same college and we got 80% courses in common. Despite we are latinos I don’t feel any particular connection with her. Is it me I got used to be that alone? Is it me who changed my values in all these years in Canada? I feel like an hybrid, not only for my sexuality but all the social impact I suffered since I arrived like 8 years ago. 8 years…no roots in this country yet. I don’t identify myself as Canadian or Montrealer or Ontarian….just the label immigrant goes with me.

The other reason why I didn’t write it’s because I was exhausted, really, really tired. I could sleep well yesterday, I’m getting up late, like a “normal” person and the cat is helping with that since she’s no jumping and scratching the mattress for long minutes.

Thursday. Weekend in coming soon. Bar ideas? Not for the moment, that reminds me my beloved Morrissey’s song:

“There’s a club, if you’d like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you.’
So you go, and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home, and you cry
And you want to die.”

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