I borrowed from the library Being Erica. I didn’t know it wasn’t a tv show from Toronto. I chose it because the plot it’s about a girl with a master degree in her 30’s, single, living in one bedroom apartment, all synonymous of being a loser. She met her weird therapist and help her to go back to the past to fix things she thinks could have an impact in her present life. So far, I like it, and I had a mini marathon of the 1st season.
Today I didn’t go outside, 30c, apparently a beautiful day. I was still furious from yesterday. I was crying the morning, by the way, I woke up almost at 9am since I was watching Being Erica 1st dvd.
I was looking at my super Samsung phone that also, by the way, never rings since nobody calls me. I said to myself I saved money with the plan I got which it’s true but at the same time for a moment I thought it’s an useless device, the purpose is communicate and talk to anybody but it’s not reaching that purpose.
This morning I didn’t have breakfast, just a cantaloupe and coffee. I watched the You Tube channel of TJ Jourian, do you remember him? Well, years ago he was a she. She starred in the documentary TransGeneration http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TransGeneration. He moved to Nashville 2 years ago or something like that, I don’t remember, but now he’s leaving town. I was in shock with his last video. He was talking about his breakup, and he made some reflections which are valid for all gay, lesbians, transgender or whatever you want to call it.
He said it was the first time somebody could love him the way he is. Of course, being transgender is not easy and find a partner must be harder than for the rest of us. He was talking he “can’t keep hoping this thing happens” talking about a relationship. “I don’t really wanna get there, wherever it’s is….alone”, that wasn’t the sad thing. He said “I don’t see many choices”, something true when you’re trans, “I can’t effort to believe anymore” “I don’t feel good enough and it sucks being not good enough all the time” “I’m really tired, tired of crushing and burning” “I wish I stop believing in fairy tales cause I don’t live in a fairy tale”. When you change your sex woman-to-female, when is done the process the hardest step is meet somebody able to accept you the way you’re. Sometimes the physical limitations are there, that means, no having genitalia or even your partner won’t accept you and could reject you. I felt that sensation with my ex a couple of times. Since I’m masculine she never wanted me to be closer to her, that way nobody could suspect she was gay. That was my case. But for TJ I felt very bad and sorry. He was closer to find somebody, and this person was good but for some reasons, that TJ explain vaguely it didn’t work out.
I had almost a fight with my French friend on Skype, after watching that video, I was trying to explain her how aggressive and furious I was about all things happening to me, that I was tired to drive without direction, to listening to the music and kissing my cat. That people in the office probably know I’m gay and because of that nobody invites me to do some activities, most of them are men. People can kill you with their look, the can judge easily, being rejected at some point is ok, being ignore is so painful. It’s true if you’re too masculine nobody will get closer to you. It’s true if nobody knows you nobody will try to talk to you. And sometime that’s your daily life. It hurts so bad, it’s just awful. And makes you feel awful from the inside. I looked myself, the mirror wasn’t lie, probably I didn’t go out because I was feeling ugly, awful, dirty, miserable but those are things they are my daily life.
If I could have a therapist like Erica has….probably I wouldn’t ask to go back to the past. Probably not being here in this planet, in this body, with these ideas would be a better reward.