After All

For a Saturday morning, I woke up relatively late, around 8am, my cat was already bugging me for food. I was feeling beat, down but over all, very aggressive. I spoke to a French friend of mine (on Skype)  who thought I was mad at her. After the explanation, of course, I wasn’t upset or mad at her, I asked how she met her boyfriend, now ex boyfriend. She told me through a common friend. Then I was upset because I couldn’t understand how I can’t make any friend, I said friend male or female, not girlfriend. I told I was sick of being alone, sick of everything, I was crying and I was so furious, all Summers are like that, unable to meet people. I decided to go to the library, I was driving crunching my teeth, so angry and crying. All tears were flooding my eyes, but still, I was driving. I didn’t know the Centerpoint Library was a Chinese spot. Every time I go there is a Chinese activity, kids, seniors, bilingual training, preparation for the citizenship exam, bilingual announces, always.

After picking up my dvd’s I reserved, I decided to go to Manotick, with my GPS  telling what to do every 5 minutes.I was still angry, still crunching my molars, so I changed my Dave Matthews Band, soft, tender, relaxing, peaceful for something more related to my mood: Limp Bizkit, so vulgar, so aggressive, I was feeling able to hit all cows, squirrels and marmots who didn’t realize I was driving like a serial killer.

Manotick is a small town, full of white old people, I went to see the mill, a little museum and walking a bit. As it’s full of seniors you can imagine the activity of town: shopping and eat, otherwise, they need to do something in order to not get bored. Expending money is always good the economy.There was a farmers fair but I didn’t buy anything. It was almost 1 pm and I saw a pseudo Irish pub restaurant. So I decided to go and have a brunch. Bad idea. Many of you have heard Ottawa is popular for its bad food. Thing absolutely true. I went to the terrace and I waited more than 20min to somebody took my order. Of course, I waited another 20 min for my food. Two ridiculous eggs, tiny extra salty potatoes and carbonized sausages. Something like in Tim Horton’s can cost you less than 5$, for that service and that fraud I paid 8$ plus tax plus tip. Honestly, I was more furious than when I arrived to that town.

Everywhere I go, it seems everybody knows each other since eternity. The sensation to be outsider is overwhelming. I know I just have some weeks in Ottawa, formally that I can’t stand being alone or not talking to somebody. Enjoying getaways are never enjoyable. Under those circumstances, I mean, under unchangeable circumstances I feel even more alone.

When I came back, I cut my hair with a clipper. After all, nobody seems me, I’m invisible for men or women, I cut a bit but it’s shorter than before. I saw more white hair on the floor, and some survivors singing victory over my forehead.

It’s been a long time I realize I don’t like my body, of course, being a girl it wasn’t my choice. If I could change it I would but I got other priorities like have a stable job and find a car insurance. I never talked, I mean, openly to my therapist about it, I remember I told her once I never did because she’s straight, so I don’t know…I don’t feel comfortable and of course, she doesn’t care if I speak about martians or my homosexuality. I changed town, I changed papers, as an immigrant you have no choice than change. But my environment is something I can’t change, which I struggle every single day, alone again. Some people take for granted the fact I speak English sometimes not understanding everything said, about procedures, paperwork, or places to go for fun? (with that service at the restaurant I prefer Harvey’s) They thing I know everything, it’s always me who has to learn the lessons in the hardest way. I’m tired of that role.

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