The Uncomfortable Comfort Zone

My day started early with my Saturday morning cd second hand shopping. After buying just 3 cd’s I went to the Ontario services office. Finally I got a paper received by mail with my address on it. I pulled out my number and I was 60, on the screen, they were calling for number 35. But it wen fast in 30 min I could meet a nice woman who greeted me properly and said thank you several times after giving papers or signing other documents. Communicated with her was like writing with my left hand, I felt awkward, I was able to listening to me, how awful I speak. I was trying to have my Ontarian health card apparently I’m going to received it in October, so not a problem, I’m cover for the Quebec side.  They took me the photo with the memorable phrase “don’t smile”. So, eager to see my card any day.

Meeting people can be easy, but from that to make a friendship is other big thing. I think the most nice conversation I had in weeks was with guy who sold me new cell phone. It’s a Samsung Ace, it was one year ago, now it’s obsolete and with a plan of 30$ per month the phone was 0$. You know sellers must be communicative and talkative, otherwise will never sell a pen.

So, my great activity after do some little groceries this morning, was studying for me exam all morning, at 36c, a break after lunch for buying the phone, transfer my contacts, 20 numbers, 2 friends included, and studying again…at night, driving looking for Lebanese potatoes style. And here I’m, almost furious to be alone.

I haven’t realized how comfortable can be speaking in French, how difficult is now talking in English. I rarely speak in Spanish, just to my father on the phone. We talk 1 per week. The hardest part for switching languages is to feel free, to find the right words quickly and people around you be able to understand you. Because of my huge accent everybody asks me to repeat again and again my family name, my phone number etc. I feel miserable. When you know nobody understand exactly what you’re saying you don’t want even open your mouth again. I became aggressive since last week. I’m taking an online course named Communications I, sometime you have to write assignments. The first one I did 3 over 5, the last 5 over 10. Before my teacher’s eye, I can’t write properly. I felt like a loser. The insurance phone calls with high rates, the paper work every day, the loneliness around me and my several grammar failures were too much for me in just 5 days, too much.

I didn’t have any activity this Saturday, too hot outside, I got a new phone and I got nobody to call. There’s a Steampunk activity just in August. There’s roller derby next week but I went once, all girls with girlfriends, groups of people hanging around, people that know each other for so long. I called a friend of mine who is Spain, she repeated the same as my therapist said to me while ago. “if you didn’t go to school with them, you don’t have any friendship or contact with the country”. So, again from ground 0.

I shouldn’t say that but I miss that comfort, I miss to know where I go, where I can find what I’m looking for. Yesterday, Friday night I did some Lesbian meat market research. I was checking women profiles. I got discourage. I saw an ad about a girl who’s coming to Ottawa and would like to do a gay city tour. I offered a tour, I wrote her an email….and I’m waiting. I don’t thing the poor thing will reply me but anyways, at least I tried. I thought having a car could impress somebody….probably not this girl form…I guess she was Alberta? I don’t remember, she’ll visit some family here at the end of July.

Minutes ago I called my dad, he’s 77 years old, he knows I’m gay but until now he can’t tell ” you need a partner”, just ” a friend” to hang out. I was upset and I told him he knows I’m gay, that probably he didn’t care I was alone, or that wasn’t important for him. He apologized and said he didn’t want to tell the things directly, well, I don’t know, he’s getting old and starting to have some Alzheimer symptoms….that’s even scary. No matter what, despite everything, he’s my dad and love him. He’s the only one I can talk to, and sometimes after hanging the phone, I feel more alone than ever before.

Should I buy a TV? should I buy a PS2? What this culture thought me was buying things to compensate emptiness. TV without cable is not worth it. So no TV for me or games, since gaming is not my thing. Again, social problem, social, social, social thing, be social, be social.

I miss be in comfort.


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