Pierrot The Clown

Do you know Pierrot The Clown? I met him on my mirror years ago. In Montreal, just when I arrived…at the bathroom in the airport with another immigrant women. I think one of the most saddest place in the world apart of cemeteries are airports. You arrived with your baggage…leaving behind all your past, home, friends and family, in other words, your comfort zone. Your life, 30 years in a big bag with wheels…as all those years were so heavy and your experiences and background were handicapped and you push them in order to move on. You say good-bye to few people, nobody cries for you…You arrive to another airport, nobody smiles at you, probably the custom officer…in my case, she was beautiful…and the person you are expecting to be happy to see you again is not.

That story repeated several times, the hardest was when my ex bitch and I broke up. It was sad but the worst sensation you can feel is rejection. I was feeling like a monster, but in fact I was Frankenstein created by her, also I got a past, I admit it. I haven’t been the best person in the world. But when violence installed itself in my relationship everything changed…for worst. nobody can understand that cycle, vicious circle, only who suffered and lived in can explain it, not even totally, I can’t explain it either.

When I dream I dream of your lips
When I dream I dream of your kiss
When I dream I dream of your fists
Your fists… Your fists

I talked this afternoon with a good friend of mine, she told me it wasn’t intelligent to move to the same city she lives in. I replied I did for the job, I didn’t or want or will to meet her again, or talk to her, but I’m conscious when sometimes I walk around Ottawa I feel scared to see her and she could react in a violent way.

“Remember all the things you’d say
How your promises rang hollow
As you threw me to the ground

There were many promises, there was even eternal love…when I remember that I just think of me telling to my friend I was feeling 75% ready to start a new relationship…she asked me if I had a formula, how can you calculate how much you’re ready to start something new with somebody unknown. The funny thing is my ex therapist was surprised how I calculate in percentage my evolution in my therapy. % is a funny measure, there are always error marge, usually 30%, which it means 75% is not a real accurate number. So, I’m not totally ready to have a relationship despite Summer is already here…and I hate Summer. People hanging out together, parents with kids, young couples with dogs, students with friends and…me.

Tha sad clown, Pierrot, sometimes shows up in my mirror, now more than ever because I’m not happy in my new job. I want to move but I’m feeling so tired to fight.

I think happiness is about short period of time, and it’s so fast that I never notice when it’s around.

Cards, please, let me known if this woman is coming soon.

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