Since this morning I’m feeling confusing sad. Yesterday was my last day, I’m feeling so tired, I’m not able to cook, I’m just eating what I cooked this week, I made some groceries in the morning, in a rainy day, I chatted with a good friend this morning, and after all that I had a nap. My cat slept more hours than me this afternoon.
When I woke up I was feeling like amnesic, I opened my eyes with a sensation of being lost, not able to remember anything, like being hangover without the party of the day before. My head was killing me, a headache that born of my neck muscles. I just turned 36, yes, I’m older, more white hair is appearing….that’s scary…36 and alone.
Looking back again to my last crazy week at the library, the mixed feelings I had for the new job starting next Monday, not having the need to celebrate, not totally happy about the new position…I just remember Blue Eyes’ sentence:”why are you upset?” I don’t know, I won’t touch my beloved invoices, I won’t do finances…since I go ahead, instead of feeling the sensation to go to the right direction I feel I’m going to a labyrinth, I know where I want to go…just I feel so tired…so tired to look, to apply, to find the right place…Am I going to the right direction? I’m starting to having doubts.
I feel my body is bloated, there’re tears in my right eye, I looked into the mirror and I got my post-mortem look, racoon eyes, hate-comb, sick, tired, bored, old, and again tired, as if I were stopping my body the right to sleep correctly or properly, pushing it to train, to walk, to lay down and walk up again…thinking of my weekly budget, thinking on Monday I will receive 450$ for my last rendered services…thinking I have to pay my credit card, a propane cylinder for my BBQ (and start officially my first BBQ season), that my first cheque from the Tribunal will arrive in…5 weeks? Reading my cards and not being sure what they’re trying to tell me…feeling miserably alone, dreaming of biking outside without fearing to have an accident…dreaming to meet a nice woman…dreaming to love and being loved. Not feeling comfortable to not to say openly I’m gay…feeling so claustrophobically uncomfortable but protected…protected? From what or who? Will somebody hurt me? I’m scared of Monday.
The good-bye card is in front of me, behind a glass, protected, it’s the only card from the 3 I received that it’s in exhibition, the red rose…why a rose? why red? I don’t know, I shouldn’t ask, I shouldn’t look for answers.
I’m so tired to move, from job to job, place to place, town to town, province to province…I’m so tired I feel my eyes like balloons, I’m not crying but tears are already there for being so awake unable to close them since more than 1 week. I guess they’re red blood, tears must be purified blood…I got my earphones plugged into my ears…keeping and forcing me to stay awake, pushing my brain to send orders to my fingers for typing what I’m thinking, not looking at the bottoms but at the screen…
I was thinking of my father…thinking of my first cheque that I should send him…asking him to do more medical tests forcing him to come to see me since I cannot move anywhere because my brand new job…will he come? will he have enough time to heal and be able to take the plane? do we have enough time before he dies?
Questions, pain, oh my eyes! Oh my heart…don’t suffer please, don’t ask me more questions, please brain, let me sleep tonight, please…I want to find at least one answer…Oh! I know one answer, a very important one…I’m alone.