It’s almost 8.10 pm, I feel sleepy like this morning, no envy to smile, I was feeling like doped at the office. I don’t know why I almost feel like 5 coffees cups aren’t enough to make easier 7.5 hours of work.
I’m feeling like a total loser. I can’t handle the financial system called IFMS, of course, I don’t have training but still, I feel totally useless, ashamed to meet blue eyes at 9.30 am…I feel I’m disappointing her…I wanted to cry today at work. I couldn’t speak to anybody. My best friend is in Montreal, he disappeared since he found her girlfriend, my German friend went back to Germany after 3 months in Quebec without saying almost nothing to me, I was useful to her because I gave her some information about migration and other things, now I guess she got what she wanted, Lima , my cat,walks around me expecting me to feed her despite I did that 3 hours ago.
Today the boss reminded me I’m finishing my contract on My 21st…her other assistant is back that day…I didn’t make good friends or contacts…all that reenforce my point of view about the Public Service and Inhuman Resources…we’re numbers, disposable, easy to replace, you’re not unique or special..you’re a product after being “processed” in a couple of training sessions. I’m kissing my cat and she’s licking my nose…I don’t feel like training today..I wish I could cry…I should after paying my driving car license when I don’t have a car yet. And I should cry even more because today I gave all my papers to the account to make my tax report….and I paid a part of my credit card.
I’m listening Animal Kindgom’s song…I’m feeling more loser, more alone, I miss my father, I miss home…or at least some memories …no, there weren’t good memories there, I’m better here, it’s just the price is higher, freedom and independence can be heavy duties. No girlfriend, no able to socialize or to feel at least energy…no emails in my inbox…as a lesbian I’m invisible and now I don’t exist.
I’m on my knees…I got oceans of tears cannot not drain, cannot cry out, I feeling like a squirrel ready to cross the road…always choose the wrong moment to cross when all cars are running…I haven’t hug anybody for real…I haven’t had human touch in years…I think was the wrong moment to read Andre Agassi’s biography and watch that movie “I killed my mother”.
My birthday is coming soon, and that day I got an assistants meeting and in the afternoon a training session plus another activity at the library…. I want to give up everything, I want to be on my bed for hours…looking at the roof, crying…and I’m feeling so numb…
Tuesday, tomorrow second day…I’m scared to disappoint everybody again…