Today I had two interviews…I didn’t want to pass them but I’ve already said yes. One was for helping and checking an Excel spreadsheet, the other it was related to check grammar. Do you see how miserable can be live for $11? Spring is coming, and the weather is totally crazy. Two days ago was snowing and raining like hell and today the sun came up. I can see in the afternoons the shy sunset and I realized days are beginning to be longest. So, the stinky Spring is coming soon. The tradicional garage sales will come and Summer too. I hate Summer, people hanging around and smiling all day, be out all the time, bikers and runners doing their stuff.
It’s like the cycle of life and seasons are forever there to annoy me, to remind me how alone I’m here in this country. One of the hardest things for me is expressing my emotions and deep thoughts, the pain, the suffering, the anguish, the loneliness, the pain alone and again, all together make more pain this existence.
I don’t understand how people cannot be able to speak. When somebody is in pain Canadians don’t want to listen or if they do is very superficially. Quebecers don’t listen your sorrows, they just want to have pleasure in life. One of the phrases shocked me the most was “Nobody cares, that’s very Canadian”. After living almost 5 years in Montreal, after being absorbed for this subculture I still cannot play a different role. Following rules, especially this, is truly the most complicated and painful. I guess if I want to cry or express deep feelings I have to pay somebody. So, which means, I’m clinically sick or insane. I see things differently but not follow the stream can bring me troubles.
I thought I got friends but not. I’m alone, totally alone and I got to fight and choose things by my own, no advices, all risks can come in 1 second as a result of a bad presumption. My friend from Germany who is living with her boyfriend is almost gone, I don’t blame, she has a new life, so …alone again.
Those problems, social problems which push even more my antisocial behaviour make difficult to go out and socialize. I’m not looking for pleasure but happiness but here eating is most important thing, fun, have fun is deep. When I was in couple doing activities were a problem, my ex bitch hasn’t any idea a part from going to the cinema and going to restaurants because was useless at the kitchen.
I just bike like a possessed hamster on his fortune wheel. I burn my sorrows, even if I’m tired I continue, the pain can be stimulating. While I cycle all kind of memories, ideas, flashbacks run through my mind. My ex, the life I left in Lima, the friends I never could make here, the shallow personalities, the unhappy couples I see everyday, the desperate housewives try to deal with their kids, the busy time and the look for all kind of pleasure or pseudo religion to relief that loneliness I see in every eye I stare when I walk without a real destination, my destination is an excuse to go out.
Sometimes death seems to be a good alternative to live all this.