Introspection

It’s been a moved week. I had to go to Ottawa, I had a bad week with my vegetarian roommate, I have been worried about my dad because his sister, my aunt, it’s dying in the hospital and I’m desperate to get an answer to all my interviews.

I was crying yesterday. I can’t stand anymore my separation after the sad news I found out. I can’t stop thinking she’s with that fat Greek. After all her lies, she’s still able to get what she wants or needs.

It’s Easter. Everyone go home to see their families and I can’t. I think one of the most difficult things to live without is passing these holidays alone. When you’re outside your country, you become the “other” and when you return to your country, you’re not the “native”, you’re someone else but yourself. It’s like having one foot in the house and the other outside.

I try so hard to find a job in the federal government that sometimes I cannot believe I’ll make it. Sometimes I think I’m dreaming or having a nightmare. I got needs like my own space; I wish I could have my own apartment. A good job, learn to drive, improve my English and the possibility to have a girlfriend.

At this point, love seems so unrealistic.  Maybe been gay or lesbian is a way to find the perfect solitude. Let’s face it. Could I have a family? Yes but I won’t have biological kids with my partner. To find a girl with my ideals and values seems something impossible. I can’t imagine myself to trust in someone else. Having intimacy with other person…at this point I can’t help of thinking my ex having sex with other and put me behind like a disposable plate. A gay told me “Diana, you were born alone and you’ll die alone”. Maybe is true, maybe gay people are condemned to be alone for the rest of our lives. And the soul mate? Does it really exist?

Can I have hope in the future or in the justice?

I could cry for hours, I can still feel the pain after 1 year. I wish could die today. I wish I could have faith in the future, I wish many things but I’m still in the black hole.

I’m so tired to wait. I don’t know if I should move, I can’s stand this situation, I can’t, I really I cannot.  I miss the experience I got with Diane but it’s over. I have no luck recently.

It seems happiness is just a parenthesis. You have to grab it and enjoy the flash of joy… I feel I lost everything, I’m too tired and sick of everything, even life.

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