0+0=0

Today I went as all the Wednesdays to the Lesbian Solidarity Center. Many of the women who go are ex-heteros. The person in charge of the workshop was sick and another woman replaced. I talked to her a bit and I discovered she has been 17 years with the same woman. She has 2 little kids of 2 and 4, a girl and a boy. I forgot you can use insemination for having kids and buy a house, a car, live in a suburb and be happy. I saw the picture of the kids…they’re cute and charming. She lost twins, but I don’t know when. She’s 42.

A new participant told us her experience about her lesbianism. She was told that be a lesbian was like 0+0=0, in other words, it gives nothing.

Today I met one particularly interesting. It’s a woman that at first I thought she was transsexual, because of her body and face. I swear I thought she had a moustache. Anyway, she’s 40 years old. She was adopted; her biological mother left her in a center when she was only 3. Her stepmother told her when she was 9 that she adopted her because her daughter wanted a “sister or brother”. The stepmother was very controlling with her. She chose her friends. She told us when she was 9 or 10, something happened with a little girl and after that, her mother controlled even her friends. She was raised in an old fashioned way. She never had the control of her life. When she was 18, she left home to come here in Montreal. As a good girl, she had a boyfriend and a son. Now, she is separated and she heard somewhere the earth will finish to spin in 2012 and as consequence of that, she civilization will extinguish. And she was waiting for that.

She repeated constantly she lost, thanks to her stepmother, 40 years of lesbianism. There was nothing to live for and, that it was even better not to live.

In that moment I remembered all my childhood and adolescence, my suicidal tendencies and a several gay guys in Lima who at least once, they had thought of suicide.

It was very contradictory. I intervened and I said to her “I think you must live to anger and fury. The moment you’ll be able to pick up the phone and tell her ‘you fucking bitch, fuck you’, that day, you’ll see the snow as the most beautiful thing on earth”. But it’s truth, when you recover your power lost, or stolen from someone else, especially someone closer to you, you’re already fucked up. Like bitch did. I’m recovering my stolen soul.

I said it was contradictory, because before Christmas and New Year I had a huge depression, and since years, my dark side went out asking me again…Why are you still alive? Do you have something to lose?

I told the woman that she needed time to live everything.

There was a boring Mexican, she has a girlfriend and talked like a possessed, I really wanted to shut up her mouth. But anyway, let’s minorities to express. She really needed to talk to someone.

This kind of workshop gives the chance to open all kind of Chinese box, it’s a space to meet new people and to realize, that even your darkest feelings where always felt for someone else. That you’re not alone.

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