Well, New Year party gave me more the one thing to never forget.
This morning I was totally down, depressed and almost K.O. Since many years I never got that feeling to be absolutely, I mean the need to be isolated, in an empty space. I mean, the no-space. The only thing closer to that is my bed. Since 10 am I didn’t move, I didn’t eat, I didn’t talk to anyone. I’ve just called my father telling him I was nervous about my language test on Thursday. He told me “go out”. But where? With who?
The only thing in my head was Diane, the frustration that nothing happened (I mean, sex), that never she will talk to me (it’s a friend of my roommate’s girlfriend) that she reacted like girl of 19 and I was down because I found myself a zero trying to seduce women. Suddenly, I remembered something the bitch told me; “you destroy everything that is around you”. Did I destroy my relationship? Did I mess my life? Will I be able to get out of this black hole? One of the things I started this morning to think that maybe the bitch is with another bitch. And me? Crying, complaining about my life.
I wish I could turn the page so easily, so fast, with no pain. But that burden will rest till I say good bye not only the bitch’s judgment that still lives with me but of my material things she keeps fear.
I’ll try to calm down for my test. I can’t spoil it. Not now. The hardest part is to be patient because it takes time.
What I talked to my boss, about the job, the government, not to be isolated (because I’m Taurus, I don’t know why she told me that) made me feel confident about the freedom to express myself and my sexuality with no fear or shame.
The resolution of the year: the job. Next, the apartment, just for me and Lima. And after that, women (in plural).
I’m pretty sure I’ll find another Diane in a couple of weeks.