The New Me

I’ve been very busy lately and also tired. Basically tired because I’ve been clubbing or just out out until 2am. But let’s back in time…like 3 weeks ago.

It’s a humid and wet Summer…in other words, it sucks! If you don’t have air conditioner you will react like my cat…losing hair everywhere. I’m losing hair but at least my hair is growing and now I’m facing the problem to go to a hairstylist. And here I’m. At Second Cup near a big avenue in Ottawa..I bought a cheesecake and a coffee…and now that I’m comfortable with free AC, I will write better.

Since I hung up more and more with my gay friend Jeff, but old bad coffee habits are back, thing I don’t regret that much as I should. There are no girls night out in July, reason why I feel the moral duty to hang out in the Ottawa gay microscopic universe. Jeffrey organized a gay Man of Steel night with half of male gay community. In the same raw I sat with Seamus, also know as Shameless, Eric, Kevin and many other I have no idea. The only thing I will say about the movie is…I didn’t like, I didn’t fine the actor hot as Christopher Reeve and….it was mix of an alien invasion and some other crap…it’s been years since I don’t go to the movie to watch something so….pop…I just watch Cannes or festival films nomination…call me snob but I got little hamster on my brain rolling a wheel of knowledge. I found this event good because now I’m becoming more flexible with myself and with others who don’t have the same movie preferences as me.  Jeff just came from a pool party where Shameless, a tiny skinny gay sold many desserts…the left over were consumed during the movie…he said “Oh come on, this is Ottawa, you can bring your food at the cinema!”.    When the movie finished it was almost midnight, we made a standing circle asking about the movie…everybody said it was ok (geezzz I felt the moral pression and I said the same…but the movie sucks), then, all the guys were saying what they’ll go for vacations, some inside Canada, others around Europe renting some aparts there, living la vida loca…Jeff and me we went for a coffee and long walk at Elgin St, were now became our Head Quarters (you’ll know soon why). We went to Center Pub, also known as CP. I was with Jeff and we went to dance, music wasn’t that bad but it wasn’t good either. The population there is masculine and majority old, you’ll see some twiks but few. There I met Glen, a nice guy gay, Jeff’s friend since a while. After this little party time, we went for a walk. While walking around there Jeff met another gay voleyball man guy, they talked for a while, then he told me all the places he used to work on Elgin St., the flower shop (that looked more like a plant shop, no flowers on exhibition, a little restaurant, a video store (yes, Netflix didn’t kill all video stores in town), resisting miraculously to the power streaming of internet, resisting to die…and with an incredible international movie selection…I felt like fish on the most flamboyant sushi dish. Jeff was telling me all his experiences with his lover at the time and talking about his personal life.

The next day, that means, just hours later my outing with Jeff, I had dinner with my “foster mother”. In fact, she is my ex therapist which I keep in touch and I trying to develop not a friendship but a mother-daughter relationship, since mother role never was the best, well, the model of a mother for me is somebody despotic, manipulative, passive-aggressive. But just before my therapy finished I asked if she could “adopt me” thing she was pleased. Since then, every time I needed to be lifted I called her and she was very supportive or other times she was just listening to me on the phone. Because she is like healthy mother to me I invited a dinner for mother’s day, the problem was she was too busy, I was at school some nights, when she was available, also, her birthday was coming and she took vacations ….anyways, our dinner took like 2 months to be set up. I suggested the College International Restaurant where I studied. I picked her up and I drove her there. My ex therapist got some issues with cars, so I asked her to feel free if she had any problem the way I drive. She said it was ok, as long as she doesn’t take the wheel. The dinner started at 5.30pm and finished at 7pm. I was very open about my feelings…and what was going on with me. I said basically “I changed my life and because of you, you helped me to get out of the hole.You’re like a mother to me, even if you don’t noticed it, with you I’m doing the things  should have done or said to my real mother”. She was very happy, she is a person who really gets happy with simple things, you should see her face when I give her flowers. I added “It isn’t me who gives you the flowers but a kid of 5 years old looking for mommy”, of course I love her but it’s an innocent and pure kid’s love. I’m 39…and yes..somehow, mommy’s research is over with her. Well, not over, I’m learning, thing that I told her “as long as I don’t built that healthy mother-daughter relationship I won’t be able to build or to have a good relationship with any woman”. This is true, my real mom’s and ex’s behavior are pathologically the same…I need to change that pattern…in fact, I’ve already started. After all those personal revelations she started talking more about her personal life. While dinning I offered a glass of wine…but she asked to the waitress for a full bottle…I got a bit nervous, since I don’t drink that much I had to pay attention to my driving but also…I was scared for the invoice!. Her mom and mine’s got issues, the issue of not being behind the wheel was revealed here. Her father drove reckless (now the guy has Alzheimer and lives in a retirement home with assistance), her mother used to tell her to wear nice underwear in case they had an accident and needed to go to a hospital!!! She used to spend her Summer at her grandparents’ farm. She learn how to drive the tractor…but the very first day she drove the machine, something jammed, another farmer try to fix it and put his arm inside….suddenly the machine started and….he lost his arm. She was like 10 and this was a very traumatic event and apparently, there were many others that she didn’t mention it. She talked to her vacations in Bahamas…and she was telling me she started to drink when she was 8. So, 1 bottle was pretty much being under control. At this point I was wondering if she had a problem with alcohol or if alcohol got a problem with her. Me, with one glass I was already happy but not feeling that freedom to talk about my underwear preferences. Around 7 the invoice arrived….93$, I asked her to leave tip…but wooow, the food was good…but never again I will invite her wine.

The week later, I told Jeff, there was a guy gathering in a gay bar downtown. We met there, all people were public servants, Jeff knew most of them, some of the volley group or  friends of his friends. Also, Eric was going and his birthday was just a day ago. Jeff bought him a big chocolate and a card…Eric, who is more effeminate than me was almost on tears…so sensitive guy. Jeff went to say hi to other people and me and Eric were there with our drinks when Eric asked me….”so, are you gay?”….well, I was perplexed and I said “yes, I’m, doesn’t look like?”…he said “well, you never know”. I wasn’t upset but I don’t think I look feminine either, so, until know I don’t know if I should take it as compliment or insult. After being like less than 2 hours, we left and Jeff told me it was Shameless birthday party that night. So, after a little home break, we met again at Elgin st to going to the party. Seamus or Shameless was just turning 50. His background is Scottish but he is such an old lady!!!!. All the stereotypes of a gay guy lady were available at his apartment in downtown. He made a center table with little mirrors, another square furniture also with mirrors, he bought lighting balloons all on the floor, he put candles everywhere, inside glasses, or square glasses, floating on water, in every corner of his apartment, red candles at the kitchen, he put silver fold paper as fake curtains and the music was all 70’s…well, he was 50. He cooked the most orgasmic chocolate brownies you could taste. I’m not a chocolate person, I really don’t like chocolate but I tried because I needed something sweet….it was just unreal that thing. Jeff was cooking and I helped to make potato salad. There I met Michael, originally from Jamaica, another crazy flamboyant pseudo drag queen. Michael was making the punch drink with strawberries and no alcohol. Jeff was looking for more vegetables on the fridge when he found something….Michael pulled it out and screamed like a real woman in shock….”what’s that!!! Oh my God…a sex toy”. Yes, it was a gay toy in the fridge, a kind of anal rubber tube. We were laughing and laughing, Seamus wasn’t that happy…and we were talking pictures and Jeff put some on his Facebook, in fact, he put a banana on it….Seamus had to clean it again and said…”be thankful that it was clean!!!”. That made our night….Jeff had to go and I stayed there. I met Basha, a gay from Iran, who works sometimes in USA and Canada and a Polish background lawyer, I don’t remember his name. We were talking until midnight when we sang happy birthday. The cake had a pie inside, full of chocolate…it was good but the brownie was much better. In total we were like  people and Seamus prepared food for 15. Not many people come but we had fun.

Last Friday we decided to go to a Lesbian night at Look Out bar. I knew people there were very young…but I wasn’t expecting a kindergarden either….it really was. People under 25 wearing caps and “yo” look. Geez, there were like 2 old ladies sitting in the bar and a group of hetero ladies celebrating somebody’s birthday. The music was so…yuck but I just was there for dancing, I didn’t care….Jeff wanted to see his kind of boyfriend (now he is in open relationship with him) and left for a couple of minutes…I was in the balcony and witnessing how Ottawa was so empty in a Friday night. After that, we went to Mercury Lounge…great music, people here were a bit older but still young, group of friends…but really quiet. And finally we went again to CP, nothing there, empty too…so we called Glen and Eric and we met in a patio at 1 am and at 2am we went to Elgin st for having something to eat..There, Jeff said openly to try to find a match for me. Glen said asked me what was my type…butch or femme. I said femme, and he said..I got a friend, she is gorgeous…he showed me her picture…and it was ok but she wasn’t a beauty either. I said I just wanted to meet people and to discover if I had chemistry with somebody. Eric asked “do you want kids?, because I got a femme friend with 2 kids”. Well, I think gay man don’t know much ab out what I’m looking for….they’re already marrying me!!!!. It was a bit difficult to explain at 3am int the morning in a crowed place full of partisans they I wanted to be in a lesbian group, in order to not to be isolated….it was funny.

Since a couple of months, I’m daring more and more…Jeff told me he saw me as mouse…shy, moving slowly but daring, trying new things…this is my new me…I want to explore, I want to be happy, I want to live my gayness…I want to be me.

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Cleaning Out My Closet

I don’t even remember the last time I posted. 2 weeks ago? or 3? Nobody cares. But many things happened, positive and less positive. Let’s start what my last Girls Night Out.

It was Fatima’s birthday so we decided to go to Caliente, the salsa disco in downtown. Everybody knew about the plans, which basically was: meet in downtown in a restaurant, dancing and then finish early in the morning in a little restaurant for a poutine. I’m still going to the gym not that religiously as before because I changed protein and isn’t that good as the first one I took. Sue called me meet her for a coffee after my workout. Julie was there so I wasn’t very excited to see them. I get along with Sue but with Julie there is no chemistry…I tried to have a conversation, looking for topics, but never works, still I talk to her. Sue and Julie went for shopping…girly stuff that I’m TOTALLY allergic. I was half sweating when I met them. Sue was so excited about the shopping and Julie too. So, I just trying to understand her endorphines released for this primal girl social activity, which I don’t understand and I don’t want too. At some point they started to talk about sex and sex toys. I made some comments, Sue other and they were laughing…I felt uncomfortable because Julie is not a friend of mine, just somebody I know, it’s more Sue’s friend. When we left I was driving and I was behind Sue’s car and honked twice to capt her attention. I talked her to pay attention about the sex toys thing (And I said that because I’m gay and I don’t want Julie knows because I know she will talk to people about it…and at the office is something I should avoid, no?). Sue knew it and she felt uncomfortable about it. I was expecting a call from her not to apologize but ask for answers about my reaction but phone never ringed. Then I realized something really important…I was invisible.

In the heterosexual parameters of friendship, shopping, dancing and having fun with girls is a standard behavior. For me this is totally new. What is not new is with Sue or with other people friendship goes in one way. In other words, she needs support, she needs to go out because life at her place is hell, she needs supports because her future separation and moving etc etc etc…she is growing up as a person with the help of other girls including me. But…me…do I grow up as person with her? Ummmm, more and less…I mean, I’m in the stage and can give her advises and support her…but real friendship goes both ways…

I stopped to call her and to see her at lunch time…I needed a break of seen Sue and Julie together …before that event I was going to have lunch with then for 2 weeks in a row. I was nice to have lunch at my cubicle away from then. I must understand she, as a heterosexual will be never enter in my lesbian world…as a friend…there will be always a distance…I was able to realize that…in other moment of my past life, I’d react in a radical way…like cutting out this friendship for ever. I changed. I accepted the fact this kind of friendship is one way, not both but who knows, maybe this will change, maybe somebody will be curious to know, to ask, to see being gay or lesbian is a different world…despite emotions and drama are the same. I spoke to Sue about the incident with the sex toys…Sue understood the discomfort I felt with. We had now normal activities together…but I know the invisible distance is and will be there for a while…I learnt I can be social, that I can have differences with people…and still be able to hang out or talk to them…about that… I found I got a little victory.

The girls night out day came. Sue, despite my opposition, drove from Gatineau to Ottawa to pick up Julie. I was at the restaurant at downtown. The reservation was at 7 pm. They showed up at almost 7.40pm. I saw all the girls but Julie…to be honest, I was happy not to see her. The drama came later. Sitting at the table Sue explained an incredible story. Sue and Fatima were waiting for Julie in Ottawa for more than 40 minutes. They were calling each other and Julie never came. Julie knew the address of restaurant and never came to join us. Texts were exchanged and Sue was kind of worried and upset. We were dancing and having fun until 3 am.

Julie was upset at work Monday. Sue sent her an email explaining the reasons why she had to leave and asking why she never showed up. Julie replied..in the most original way. She said that Sue came 2 hours before the meeting hour, that never answered her calls or texts, that she never had the address of restaurant, that she spent so much money in clothing for that event…etc etc etc. Sue was perplex and so am I. Fatima knew about this email. There was such a fuzz…Sue was swearing and English and Portuguese…Fatima too. Then, 2 days later Sue and Julie met…Julie discharged and put down all Julie’s arguments. Still there is a kind of coldness between them, no doubt Julie was childish and selfish…and never admitted she was late for the meeting…not formal apology for all those stupid messages….So, after this, I decided to organize and cake meeting between Fatima, Sue and me…we talked and did therapy eating ice cream, cheese cake and poutine. Sue was shocked that after all that Julie asked…”when is going to be the next girls night out?”. Fatima said she won’t be invited for the next one. I felt sorry for Julie but she is 36…and not able to react as an adult.

That made realize many things about friendship, behavior and lesbian conduct. I knew a lesbian woman time ago, like 1 month or 2 so. She already has a girlfriend…so, in lesbian terms it means…”all time, all things, all with her”. That’s a very typical lesbian behavior, as soon as you got a girlfriend…social life tends to disappear. We were friends …yes, “were”. So I guess if she breaks up, she will talk to me again..or…another lesbian attitude…she will date for having a new girlfriend and not be alone. I don’t want to be like that. My friend Jeff, who was having a relationship at the time we met, we had talks and outings, exchanging messages…not “I need to be with that person for that person all with that person” syndrome…I found that healthy and nice…Now, they broke up but still I’m in contact with him. Jeff was the person who asked me” When did you realize you were invisible for Sue?”, Jeff taught me, indirectly how to open up myself. He is a nice person, with a difficult past but he is building a new identity…I find and I witnessing his personal growing…and he is inspiring me….

I’m discovering I’m changing in a positive way…I know what I want…how I wanted…and not closing doors as before…opening yourself can be painful, can be an adventure…can be anything you want to be…I just want to be happy.

Drag Queens in Navarra?

I’m drinking my second Cappuccino coffee (a.k.a. French vanilla for the Tim Horton’s Canadian coffee standard). I feel hangover. In fact, I AM. Since I’ve been training, dieting and on top of that, drinking my protein shake after my workout at gym, coffee is out of question…but today is a big exception. I must say the shakes are working. Every glass contains like 60gr of pure protein, I can feel energy and improvement on the treadmill. Also, when you drink that, basically you don’t feel hungry, the liquid stays in your stomach and you got more time to do other things.

But since this week, specially at work, things aren’t going well with me. At work, I’m replacing somebody who took vacations, I’m doing other kind of “new” things . The boss of that section is a fake, chubby, square blond head. Do I hate her? Not yet, but if she dies tomorrow, I won’t cry for her. So, I can quote one of Morrissey’s song “why do I give valuable time to people who don’t care if I live or die?”. That’s my new philosophy. Last Tuesday she sent an email to me and my real boss asking to meet her. So, this is not good. I thought she wanted to complain about my work. I knew she was a bit crazy and obsessive. ok, ok, a real control freak. I work in Finance, so controls and verifications are part of my daily life, but when somebody tries to control ME, that’s different. I’m not an invoice or a fake cheque. I’m not a fishy transaction, I’m kind of transparent. She started saying “I got the impression you hate me”. What? My face was puzzled. “I know you never wanted to come here to work at Section 33, but I noticed in your emails that you don’t feel comfortable here”. OMG. Well, it was true that I never wanted to go there, but I don’t hate her. Once, I went for New Year’s party at the Casino with her. I think I wrote that in my blog like 3 years ago. She is a average Quebecquer, party, traveling to Cuba, resorts, drinking and narrow minded. I didn’t like that time being with her and listening her derogatory comments about gay people at work. Also, her opinions about people from the third world, “indians” as she says…pejorative adjective for us. So…I put big distance between her and me. A healthy distance. I didn’t know she was a boss of Section 33 at the time. But left me a bitter-sweet taste in my mouth…it’s better banning a person like that of your life…but you cannot do that at work. In her micro speech I feel more like her words reflected discomfort with not being obeyed as she liked, it means “What I said must be done the way I say…and my word is law”. Once she told me she was dating a guy who after a while he was stocking her…then she had to put cameras at her place. Also, she told me she had troubles with a big boss I get along. She told she had a grievance…the union was involved too. When I was listening her words in slow motion my mind were on those souvenirs…who was saying the true? who is the real control freak? a person who cannot control anything? a person who needs authority to feel superior? a person with no moral authority but has in fact, authority at work?…for a moment, as you who read this, you realize SHE is not right…nor in what she’s saying neither in her head. So I was there listening….she was psycho but I let it go…no choice, I’m just a clerk, immigrant clerk, so no authority for me, no power for me…no nothing…I tried to comfort her telling her when I work with somebody I took distance (with her is much better, no?) and that was her perception. But know that I’m thinking of that…after that meeting…I think I got reasonable justification to hate her…but I don’t..not yet.

I had my results of my accounting exam. I got 13 of 20, not that bad, not too good either, but is fine. After a tough week I decided a needed a gay break. So, I was thinking to go to a gay drag queen show. So, I contacted a friend of mine and I told him about this idea. He invited me to the restaurant where he works as waiter. He is over 40 and would like to go to school this Fall. He is gay and a nice person. So, I said “why not?” and around 8.30pm I showed up at Navarra restaurant in downtown Ottawa. It’s a little restaurant, cozy and of course, fancy. Prices are….bring your golden credit card. I mean, isn’t cheap but is quality and the presentation is more like painting than cooking. Art. I’m not a person who goes from restaurant from restaurant judging taste and ingredients, I eat because I need to live, I don’t live for eating. Eating for me is an obligation not a pleasure. If I went there was for a glass of wine and….Marion….a hot, afro, jazz singer….OMG, in a little space like that her diva voice was….delightful….I was drinking a glass of white wine…the more alcohol was in my veins…the more I was looking at her body…her breast…her legs…her hair…her lips…ok, ok, ok, hormones quiet, quiet…My friend found me a little red round table…I was just 43 mts away from her. I wasn’t feeling miserable but happy, I wasn’t feeling alone but alive…I was feeling love being single…I was happy with that paradox…I was enjoying that moment…looking at the table in front of me, a French couple trying main dish, desert, wine and more, I was looking another table with a family celebrating a birthday than then, 2 fashion young gays took over later…very fashion and handsome. The other table was taken by 3 Montrealers women…so, they were judging Ottawa and food in a criminal way…judging live to this death to that…it wasn’t pleasant but funny…I was in my wine universe, half here, half…elsewhere….in a  long term bracket of happiness….

It was nice to float in that cloud…must be the Spanish wine…it could have been Marion’s voice…it could have been the people around myself…all of then in their respective universes, sharing, talking, laughing and judging…there were so many people, I even saw two men in a perfect date. My waiter friend was making jokes and we were laughing…we’ll do yoga tomorrow Saturday. I asked him if Marion could sing “Fever”, she couldn’t because the pianist didn’t know that one, so I asked for “Summer time”…and when she sang it she blinked her eye at me….awwwww….my happy heart and my glass of wine were delighted with that gesture…

Since my diet has been liquid, full of proteins I decided to try the food there. So, I asked a dessert. I saw some people eating chocolate mousse…I wanted something different. In fact, I didn’t know what I chose. I couldn’t hear what my friend said about it so I asked Queso Manchego (Manchego cheese). It was a piece of Manchego cheese (that after google it I saw it was made of sheep milk, assuming it was the real thing), Quince confit, pear chutney, candied pistachios, olive oil crostini. This is very Mediterranean  well, the restaurant is a fusion of Spanish-Mexican cuisine…I thought it would cost me a fortune…after my crappy week I think I deserved a big break…my bill was 23$ but since my friend was the waiter…with tip it went to 27$ a bit expensive but…it was just a desert and wine…but full of love.

No drag queens that night, just the best performance of an afro diva, a Manchego cheese disguised for a gastronomical date with me and my beloved waiter that made that night just….full of love…a bracket of love.

There is Candy for Everyone

It has been like 2 weeks since I had my first hypnosis. I’m training at the gym too for almost 3 weeks. Also, there has been like 3 weeks since I spoke with the Medium woman about my future. Just after meeting her I went to the gym and I started to run on the treadmill thinking and thinking and rethinking in several ways, up and down, right to left, North to South… thinking about she said “you’re attracted to violent relationships”, “you got a problem of dependency” …all those ideas were on my mind when I was running and walking. I tried to do 2 km almost every day (I don’t go to the gym when I got my night classes at college). It’s already June and her words are still resounding on my ears…

Just 2 weeks I had my second “girls night out with a camouflaged dyke”. It was awesome. I went with Suzanne, Fatima 1, Fatima 2 (Suz’s cousin) and Anne to the Beer Festival in Gatineau, the weather was crappy as hell, we bought our tickets and then somebody decided to go to a restaurant for dinner….yes, dinner at 5pm, not hungry at all and after a workout at the gym…I wasn’t that happy about it but well, no choice. We went to The Green Papaya, in front of Civilization Museum. The decoration was…like going to a meditation gastronomic spa. Relaxing music, Buddhas everywhere in all the position available, Nirvana, Lotus, stand up, golden, silver, small, big, even in the bathroom there was a Buddha too, with other Indian deities. It was fancy and the food….I wasn’t expecting that much but I must say food was outstanding, service too  The new person in the group was Fatima 2. When I asked what she does for living she said “I’m a pole dancer”. I knew she was kidding but I just  followed the flow. At some point Fatima 2 was worried because I seemed to believe what she said. We had a nice chat, talking about Portuguese drama (that looks like Greek drama), about parents and of course, about my session with the Medium. Fatima 1 is still scare to call her and set up an appointment.

We left the restaurant heading the beer festival. They were selling little  glasses at $2 each. Somebody invited me a glass…awful, I don’t like beer but those are the social thing you must do it in order to fit in a group and not to be excluded.  I was taking pictures as a Chinese tourist. I took a picture even of Fatima 1 and Suz’s butties, well, they asked me to! We stayed there for 1 hour and the girls decided after this small digestion to have dessert, so we went to St Hubert. In our way we were talking non sense, making jokes and Ann was laughing about Portuguese prejudice, since most of them were married with Portuguese guys and now they’re separated or divorced (Suz is taking that path too), and Ann added “ok Diana, hold my hand and we’ll say we’re lesbians”. Suzanne didn’t say anything and I was feeling totally uncomfortable, first, because I’m gay and second because I didn’t say to anybody else about this thing…I felt bad and I don’t know when I should do my coming out with them. Then, for killing time, we went to the casino. Fatima 2 played and won like $200, she paid us our drinks. I had more time to talk to her at the bar there. She told me about her ex boyfriend, a control freak, abusive and all the profile of my ex had. She said “when you think you should be dead, you’re in position to take a decision”. So, she left him, Portuguese drama came with it. She told me about her daughter, a teenager with hyperactivity and cognitive problems. I felt sorry at this point, but she seems living her life at least for her, nothing stops her to do that. Her new boyfriend, a Quebecquer guy is a nice man, apparently, well, must be, if that man buys a Celine Dion’s concert ticket to her…it should be a nice man!.

After we went to a disco…Forum, in Gatineau to dance Salsa. Then I realized the Fatima 2’s joke about being pole dancer wasn’t exactly far from reality. Damn, she knows how to dance. Also, she knew so many people in that place. It was a delightful experience to watch her dancing….she was flying… at almost 1 am we were exhausted and decided to leave. I was very happy and almost broke, I spent like $70 that night….too much and Fatima 1 birthday’s is coming soon. Suz told me later that both Fatimas love me!

I went to see Ed, they guy who performed the first hypnosis. I told him, I just felt a kind of anxiety after my quiz at school. He explained me it was kind of normal and he performed again hypnosis on me. This time I was more relaxed….and there were some words that he pronounced that had impact on me like…love and being happy. I told him after about that. He said to not questioning being happy or feel fine, just to live it. Also, he said in a politely way to accept myself as gay. Yes, I’m almost 40 and I don’t feel comfortable or accepting myself as gay. That idea was always present even when I’m training …all those thoughts run with me on the treadmill…all the time. Ed also said “don’t be afraid to be happy,don’t be afraid to lose things,  there will be always candy for everyone”. He was talking metaphorically, he knows, he feels I’m afraid to open myself, to talk to people and of course, to love…and why not, to be loved.

I went to second hand store and I bought the Dead Cab for Cutie cd “Plans”…I’ve always heard that band was a good one…and they were right. I mean, when you drive alone, when sun is just going down, when you want to slow down your pace…that is the soundtrack of your life…I felt numb and calm when I listen to them…beautiful jewel…

I don’t remember if I said I was accepted to the Forensic Accounting and Fraud Investigations program at Algonquin. I was so happy that I called my therapist..well, ex therapist, she is like a mom to me. She was more excited than me and I said “well, they just asked for a recommendation letter from my boss and my diploma from Peru..they want my money after all”, which is true, college doesn’t care about those things, they do the paper work procedure and then…money is there for them. I’ll start this Fall, I’ll take 2 courses, this program is online only. I feel things are moving in slow motion.

I’m not going to the gym today…but even if I’m not in the treadmill those ideas will following me…I’m not running away from them, I run with them….I don’t know what direction I’m taking…I know I want to be happy and I shouldn’t be afraid of.

The Hypnotist, The Psychic and The Lesbian

My birthday was May 6th. Unfortunately I turned 39. Now, every time I fill out a survey, I belong to the 3rd group called: from 35 to 50. That was hard….anyways. That week I was feeling very down and almost depressed. I just wanted to be alone and skip that day but my Swedish friend had another idea.

She invited me to celebrate my birthday and try to cook something typically Peruvian. She made chicken, with rice and some other things in the oven. Well, apparently she tried to do the famous Rice with Chicken which is green because of the cilantro. The result was more than eclectic, it was ok. My friend invited her boyfriend, her daughter with her husband and Ed, a retired doctor with a great sense of humour. He’s like 80. But the funny thing came later when my friend’s boyfriend brought a chocolate cake. He didn’t know I don’t like chocolate but my Swedish friend made my favorite desert…cheese cake. She put some candles and everybody sang “happy birthday to you”. That was a big surprise…I had a cake, I never had one since I left my ex bitch. But I didn’t feel happy, I just wanted this event pass and try to forget the taste of the chicken. I really appreciate being important for some people but I wasn’t in the mood to pay back with happiness. After eating, we sat and talked.

I met Ed like a 2 years ago. He’s very active and talkative, in fact, he takes most of the space in a conversation. His parents were from Lebanon and he was born in New Brunswick. After studying and I don’t know how he moved here to Ottawa. He married a woman who died like a year ago. He has 3 children, until there, everything is normal, nothing extraordinary. When we sat he said he did hypnosis at the Royal Hospital and said he cured people from anxiety and other things or dependencies. When I was listening that, I was feeling my chest totally compressed. My Swedish friend never knew about this thing that happened to me 2 years ago, when I had my first attack and the left side of my body was paralyzed. For a moment I thought to ask him to fix this situation. After a week of waiting I spoke to my Swedish friend about it and she sent him an email. We had a meeting last Friday.

I didn’t know what to expect. The only thing I wanted was to get rid of that and no conventional treatment was required. The firs thing that Ed asked me was “do you really want to get rid of that pain?” I said yes. If you have seen in the movies the typical hypnosis session, a guy lying down and other person with moving a clock…well, it wasn’t like that but closer.I explained a bit about my first crisis. “Basically it was fear” he concluded. He asked me to be a comfortable position. So I laid down on the couch. He asked to close my eyes and he explained other things. He said, I will always be in control of the situation during the hypnosis, that I’m surrounded by friends, no worries about it, no harm around me. He repeated that several times and I didn’t know why. Then he said to be relaxed. I put my arms around my chest and he said again to be relaxed and I put my arms side to side of my body. He started “you will always have control of the situation, remember you are here, right now, you are here with your friends”. Then he said “concentrated in you right foot,  see it, feel it, Concentrated on your right ankle, see it, feel it” He was mentioning the parts of my body and reminding me to get relaxed. At some point asked me to open my eyes which I did and he started all the process again. At the second time he asked again to open my eyes which I did again and despite that he continued and said “remember the first time you had the crisis”. I did, and for a moment I felt that fear again…but then Ed said “you are here”, then I calmed down. After listening his voice I was feeling more and more relaxed, sleepy too but never felt slept. He asked me to open my eyes when he was doing the countdown. When finally the session was over he said many things about me that shocked me. He said the session it was really good that probably I’ll need one more, that he will help me because “you worth it”. He said “you are afraid to be accepted and to be judged” “how do you know that” I said. He just replied he observes a lot. He repeated again “you got the control of the situation and remember you’re here”. I said for me it was easy to let somebody tell me what to do or, in other words, to trust  people, that it was difficult to let it go. Ed said that eventually I will handle it, he was very happy about my progress in this first session. He said again I was in control of everything and I added, after all, I put myself in this cage and I want to get out. Ed said “the mind is a funny place”.

I left with a relief…the pain was down. The next morning pain was gone, there is still some pressure but I’m sure I can handle it, after all I have control of my self or I guess I have to be reminded it that. On Saturday, I had an appointment with a psychic that Suzanne put me in contact. When Suzanne went to see her, the psychic told her everything about her past and future, even the psychic spoke in Portuguese, Suzanne’s background is Portuguese. I was impressed but also it seemed that the medium was a real one. So I booked an appointment with her. On the phone, she asked for pictures of my family. I said I had no pictures, that everything was in Peru. Suddenly she said “you got a sister who died” , I said yes but it was long time ago. She said “not a problem, bring a picture of her, ask your brother to send you one”.I didn’t say anything about my brother or my dead sister. She continued and said “you got troubles to make friends….you don’t trust anybody”. Ok, that’s it. She gave 2 weeks to find some pictures. That happened, my brother scanned some pictures and I printed pictures of people I know or I’m developing some kind of friendship.

Last Saturday I went to her place…it was an old house, not in good shape, there was a sign in the main door saying to use to the back door. I went to the back, the garden was a mess and there was a yellow newspaper laying on the stairs. I waited outside and a woman left the house. It was a client. Then I rang the bell. 2 dogs were barking like hell. I said hi to the medium and  we went to the basement. If the house looked a mess from the outside, the inside was worst. But still, I continued. I went to the little office. 2 candles were lighted. She said never say thanks during the session. I showed her my pictures…I must say it was impressive what she said about my family, my grandmother and my sister.

She said I was attracted to violent people (my ex was one) that I will meet a woman with green eyes that in fact, we won’t have anything but my grandmother said to avoid her. Then I will meet another woman and I will with her for 2 years, she wears a uniform, has a kid but doesn’t leave with her. She is very independent but we’re going to split out mutually. Then I will meet the woman I will spend the rest of my life and will buy a house with her. She said about my job to keep the studies and go for forensic accounting, that there is going to be more cuts next year and one of the supervisors is going to be out. The one big boss, a woman, will change the position and she’ll go to another department and she will bring me with her. Apparently, I got a beautiful future in front of me. She told me Suzanne will be a good friend for longtime and I’ll be the godmother of one of her kids. She said many things about the few pictures I had. Some friends that will become good ones. I asked if I could tell Suzanne I was gay….she said not a problem, but she also said my grandma wanted me to accept completely my homosexuality.

I was with her for 2 hours…I left the place with hopes and worries. I called Suzanne and I went to her place and I met the idiot, that means her husband. She leaves in a small house full of idiot’s toys, like a big truck, trailer, 4 wheeler and so on, things she pays and he doesn’t. We went to a restaurant and when she left, her youngest kid started to cry and he didn’t want her mother leave. I was in shock, then I asked why Daniel had that attitude, she said he know his father is not good, I think Daniel feels protected when Suzanne is around. That scene broke my heart. At the restaurant I did my come out to her. She seemed normal. I bought some ice cream for the kids but when we came back they were already sleeping. I was sad to leave them there, in the inferno house. I’m waiting for July when she’ll move with the kids…I will help her.

If this was my destiny….my grandmom is doing a great job.

The Day I Became A Father

I’ve been having my lunch with Suzanne for almost a week. As a commissioner she’s not allow to leave her building. I walk a couple of minutes to join her since our building are farm from each other and last week she wasn’t feeling that well.

In one of our conversations she was shaking, showing her hand, with shy tears in her eyes  she was telling me all the fights she was having with her husband. I didn’t know she was paying for a big truck, another little car, the mortgage, food and clothes for her 2 kids. The situation at home became a bit dramatic the day one teacher of her boys call her asking if there were any problems at home. Matthew was throwing things to her teacher and some classmates. Suzanne told me children have been watching all the fights between them. Every moment at lunch time there is a new little history how his “idiot” as she refers to her own husband has been treating her. The idiot said she needed to find another job as a cleaner (her old job) in order to pay the invoices. She was telling me he was more than furious when she heard that, she was almost crying. Sometimes she cleans all the house main floor, basement and second floor alone and the idiot will show up with dirty boots in the kitchen, a sacred zone for every mother in the world. Or when she asked him to pass the dirty clothes bag he answered “I’m tired” but he was playing video games and then he said “do you want the bag? here is your freaking bag” and he threw all the clothes from one floor to another (just for the record he didn’t say “freaking” but another word). I was trying to comfort her but for somebody who also suffered from an abusive relationship words don’t help. What helps? leaving that hell called house. So far, she has packed her and kids’ stuff. Suzanne told the idiot she’s planning to leave him. The idiot responded “ha, ha, ha, you won’t do that, you said that all the time and you never leave”. This time is different, she already signed a lease, she’ll move in July.

The girl’s night out (camouflage dyke included) is organizing a escape plan. The plan Suzanne will call us that day, Fatima, Anne and me with our respective cars, will wait outside the house. A big fight is expected and since the idiot has a guns (hunting toys) we fear the worst, then Suzanne’s father or brother will intervene. We repeat that idea over and over every time we meet. So far, fights continuing and sometimes is too much for her than now she’s questioning herself as a mother. “I explained to the kids is wrong to throw things to people. What mom and dad is just between us, you shouldn’t repeat that. You shouldn’t hurt each other.” and one of her kids said “so to who we can throw things?” , “to the person who’s throwing you things”, the kid replied “so do I throw things to dad?” and Suzanne said “yes”. After telling me that she asked me “am I a good mother?” . I just laughed and I said “of course you’re!”. She is very calm, loving and caring person, always with a big smile but I never saw her that bad emotionally and physically. She lost weight because of stress. I told her my violence relationship and how far this went. So, I’m just trying to be supportive as much as I can that’s why I told her to contact me if she needs anything for her or the kids…and then I received a call.

Nobody calls me, that’s why my monthly invoice is just $35 tax included. That’s not true, my doctor calls, spams call from a company telling me a won a cruise to Jamaica and…sometimes my physiotherapist ..and that’s it, the phone never rings and I got troubles to remind my voice mail password because since nobody calls I don’t use it and keeping forgetting it all the time. Rarely people text  me, well, again, I have no friends, nobody tries to reach me. But last Friday Suzanne phoned. She seemed a bit “electrical” that means hyperactive, frantic and speedy. We agreed to meet at the office at 8pm. I was in a farewell reception at church, my buddy Scott is moving to California. He thought of me when he realized he had to leave his home, family and friends, everything to the unknown. He was scared and nervous. Everybody was hugging him telling him “this is exciting”. He didn’t look quite convinced about it. I didn’t say that stupid phrase. People told me the same when I moved to Gatineau. Excitement? adventure? Are you retards or what? Moving to another country is very hard. There are people in Ottawa that told me they’re alone despite they have family or they can feel alone having family. Listen mentally challenged, listen idiot, realize one thing retard. The day you leave a country, you try to communicate with somebody, you got fooled or screwed, you try to be polite and the other understands the opposite, you try to get closer and you got rejected, when you try to go to point A to point B, when you need to do paper work, tell me blind genius…is that excitement? is that an adventure?. You, you got a mother or father or siblings or children, you think with all that you’re alone…go to another country and write me back about it!!!! You won’t have anybody to turn to talk or cry or just ask for explanation, nobody will take care of you when you’ll be sick, no phone calls or messages on your phone, yu feel alone eh? wait….adventure? You have to be totally crazy or in an urgent need to change your life for good to do that move.I wanted to tell to Scott that the experience would be very very and absolutely hard even if US speak English like him but I couldn’t and the reception/party wasn’t the place either. He already sold his house and his wife will stay here in town…I wouldn’t like to walk on his shoes. With that happening in his life…I’d feel my life is tearing apart. At that moment my phone rang….what? my phone rang? yes, it was Suzanne, she arrived to work early and she asked me when I’d leave. Well, she was early but I didn’t feel quite well leaving her at the parking with Daniel, his son of 5 years old. I had time to talk to Ellen, her partner passed away 2 months ago. She’s doing fine, the funeral service will be tomorrow, I don’t know if I’ll be able to go. Anyways, everybody was eating, chatting and so I left to meet her.

I met her at the parking and I met Daniel. He was my first encounter with a human being with a biological small brain. So, that means, a real kid. I don’t like kids, I got a smartphone, I don’t need more. I had some friends in Peru with kids and they were pests. So, leaving in Montreal were nobody has kids because they’re afraid to commit or to get married was a child baby-free experience. Here in Ottawa/Gatineau all conversations end with diapers or “what kid did this or that”…aghhhh, that’s my Spring allergy!!! But I didn’t know how could it be with Daniel and Suzanne. So I went into her car and I said hi to him, he was a bit shy and quiet. (Yes, I said quiet, apparently this phenomena is not common among brats). Suzanne was super happy to see me and still electrical, she drove to the ice cream shop…I forgot to tell she bought this car for her, it’s the first time in her slave relationship she bought something for her…but she is still learning how to drive…with my crashed English I was trying to explain her where the shop was and what road to take…we seemed like multicultural drama queens…her background is Portuguese. If communication is a hard task in every couple, a young driver, a dyke instructor and a kid in the back seat is not the best picture or frame for that.

I said hi to Daniel and we shake hands at the ice cream shop. I told him I’d invite him a chocolate one. (I hate chocolate) and I bought another to Suzanne. In the line up she was talking to me the idiot stayed home with the other kid, despite he wanted to come with us. The idiot is real control freak. They ate the ice cream and I realize Daniel was a real pro to make a mess of himself with a little ice cream. I put a napkin around his cup and I put him in his special chair. I attached the belt seat and I sat with Suzanne and we chat…Daniel was in ecstasy with his ice cream and Iron Man in silence. I talked and I was surprised Daniel was that quiet …probably he was starving. After that we went to a play ground near the office.

There, I released his seat belt, cleaned his mess in his jacket and hold his dirty hand to lead him to the playground There were swingers, slides and pirate boat. Daniel jump into the boat saying “I’m the captain of the pirate boat”. He was in total abstraction in his universe. I was there contemplating and still doing anthropology. He was the most interesting object of study in these 2 years I’ve been in this region. He was laughing, smiling, talking to other kids of his edge. I was surprised of that experience with a kid. Me and Suzanne we were to slides…geeez…has been decades I haven’t tried one. We tried all the toys at the playground. I told Suzanne, this is my first time experience as a father, she said “is this your first experience as a mother?” Suzanne doesn’t realize I’m gay, and to be honest  I haven’t told her yet. Her Portuguese Catholic background scares me, but I can’t believe how people can be that blind or see only what they want to see. I can wear a tuxedo and she will never think I’m gay. Just like my father when I was younger, he taught I was a crazy radical feminist…and let’s be honest, the polite way to call a lesbian in those days were to call her feminist.

We ended the day drinking some water at Starbucks when her phone rang….it was the idiot checking. Suzanne only said “I’m on my way” with a very resigned voice. We had such a great time but this had to end…not her decision but idiot’s one.

Days later Suzanne told me Daniel likes me, that he said to his little brother they had fun and he wanted to see me again. Suzanne was laughing at me because apparently when I was trying to take care of him I had a funny face. She said “you were in front of Daniel saying OMG, OMG, OMG, not knowing what to do…” she was laughing and laughing. She added “you asked me if I had a bottle of water to clean the kid…and you said <you should have one all the time at your car>”. That was hilarious…yeah…first time with a kid, and I didn’t know how to approach, how to hold him or hold hands….a real antisocial.

I was thinking of that all weekend…on Monday was my birthday and I called home in Peru, I wanted to skip this year but I knew my dad wanted to talk to me. I called him…he was so happy…I talked about little things, he was asking for my health and work. I didn’t say that much. I said “I love you” and he said that twice, with a broken voice…me, in silent tears…unable to reach him…physically or just in memory…his losing his memory that fast but he didn’t forget it was my birthday. After I hang up I was still in tears…even now that I’m typing that…there are evasive tears…

I became a father of my own father…trying to take care of him, to make things work in the distance…impossible since my brother is not that smart and my mother is that tyrannic with everybody. I had nice experience with Daniel….I gave up to meet a woman, I gave up that a lesbian relationship could work…not many women with brains available in the market. My kid experience it was fine…for 3 hours…I don’t think I’d like to be full time as my father did…and he stills does…I know he loves more than anything in the world…I keep him alive…I miss him…damn it, I miss him…I miss love in general…I gave up that too.

She Lost Control

I woke up at  2 am this morning. Big day, exams day. My French exams, reading and writing were today. I just tried to calm down and not to freak out. Despite my French is stronger than my English and after studying for 3 weeks the result was as I expected: panic.

The Joy Division was playing in my head. I was driving as a zombie. Tired, not concentrated, driving as I was going to an execution. I know I’m good in French and I was doubting of myself, of my capabilities. At the same time thinking if what level I wanted to reach, knowing my potential, of course, thinking all that before screwing all.

“Confusion in her eyes that says it all.
She’s lost control.
And she’s clinging to the nearest passer by,
She’s lost control.
And she gave away the secrets of her past,
And said I’ve lost control again,
And of a voice that told her when and where to act,
She said I’ve lost control again.”

I arrive very early, the parking spot I thought raised the price for 1$. That been said, the final price was 14$. I walked down Slater St. and I bought a French vanilla coffee. What? Well, I thought it good be a good idea be awake and warm since I didn’t sleep well and it was a bit cold. I stopped drinking coffee for….8 months and to not becoming electrical. Probably  after such a long time, this little vanilla was a powerful morning shot. Instead of being alert, I become almost paranoid and hyperactive.

And she turned around and took me by the hand
And said I’ve lost control again.
And how I’ll never know just why or understand
She said I’ve lost control again.

When the door opened I sat in the waiting room, looking around, looking to find something in particular to stare at. As the tradition says, I grab my phone like the others. I realized I don’t have any games or internet on it since …well, it doesn’t seem vital to me. For the others, life is meaningless without a phone. I was really surprised that my therapist left me a message. So I called her back. I asked her if she was busy, she said she on her way to work, I could hear the noisy of the street. So, after this introduction she said: “you asked me to call you last night”. I said “You know, mother’s day is coming, I was wondering if we could meet at lunch time”. She said “sorry I can’t hear, I got some interference on the phone”. Well, the truth is she didn’t understand me…I got my English oral exam in 2 weeks. I repeated again my phrase word by word. I think while she was walking she was pulling out her agenda trying to find a spot for me. I felt so guilty and I promised to send her an email.

The call finished, again, nervousness, not that much anxiety, I was just nervous. The my chest was pressing and compressing. I was waiting and watching everybody around me, all anglophones,with their notebooks or replying email with their Blackberries. Now, the breathing was becoming heavy and heavier later. Somebody come to lead us to the exam room. I was feeling groggy, sleepy, hyperactive, nervous, tired, with the sensation, I know French more than those guys.But I didn’t want to be there. I was remembering I did more than 5 times the French exercises on the booklet I found at the library.

“Come to the front desk with and ID. From A to N come with me, from O to Z with my colleague” We made 2 line ups and we picked up a sheet with our names and exam ID. We sat. I counted 40 people for the comprehension exam. The monitor was explaining the procedures. This is, I think, the 5 exam I take, but never with anxiety. The guy continued to tell us the rules of the game. I know all that dude. I was so distracted, I was drawing a cat, a bunny and even I sketched the guy’s face on the sheet. He was speaking more blah, blah, blah. Finally he said “you can start your test”.

And she screamed out kicking on her side
And said I’ve lost control again.
And seized up on the floor, I thought she’d die.
She said I’ve lost control.
She’s lost control again.
She’s lost control.
She’s lost control again.
She’s lost control.

I was reading without reading, were the exercises simple or I was too good? I was trying to concentrated myself, I was reading again the paragraphs, but know things are becoming more difficult, not the questions, I was becoming kind of dizzy. Again, I tried to read the paragraphs. In total they were like 55 questions. I was calculation the possible mistakes I could have and what level I could reach. I’m trying to focus, sometimes I read and I got the sensation of some lines are moving or shaking. I read again, and again and I pass the question for later one. But even with that I realized I finish my test in 30 minutes. I verified some other questions but I found I didn’t or at least I thought have any mistake. The chest was just crashing my lungs. I left the room, it was 9.30am, Oh my God, the breathing was heavy and lighter, both at the same time. I just went outside the building for a short walk. While walking I was checking my breathing, checking if the lungs were there or just smashed like potatoes.

The next test was at 10.30 am so I decided to visit to an ex colleague. I was very happy to see her but to talk to somebody, just to calm me down. She lost weight, she looked amazing, her vegetarian diet was working, she told me she lost 3 sizes and it’s true. She was also talking about her mortgage at Scotia Bank screwed them. She was looking for something near where I live. We were gossiping about old colleagues and the mafia at work. Just disgusting how things can move inside a Department when somebody has power. We talked for about 20 minutes and we promised to meet again when my Oral exam was schedule.

Now, I was worried, I knew I was having some troubles with the wordy phrases, the long sentences and the multiple choice answers. I was trying to follow, I mean, reading the idea, trying to find out which paragraph was the best idea to resume what each text was about. I became very sleepy, I was tired, I wanted this over but at the same time I was pushing my self to finish my reading, to think in the grammar and trying no to get distracted by my oppressing chest. This exam started at 10.30 and I left the room just before noon. And I was the second person to leave. I was heavy. Just when I left and when I realized it was over, my head became heavy…I was more dizzy than before…the chest was calming down. I was watching the people walking on the street. I didn’t want to think, I was controlling my lungs, I was trying to relax.

And say she’s lost control again.

And she showed up all the errors and mistakes,
And said I’ve lost control again.
But she expressed herself in many different ways,
Until she lost control again.
And walked upon the edge of no escape,
And laughed I’ve lost control.
She’s lost control again.
She’s lost control.
She’s lost control again.
She’s lost control.

When I got to work I walked to the library to return the books I used to practice for these tests. Then I went to my office, I was pealing my orange in my way back, I was thirsty, really thirsty, I was walking a bit faster. I went to the kitchen to heat my lunch…then I was almost breathing my soul away, as I was having hyperventilation, my colleague asked me if I was alright, I lied and I said it just the weather. I walked slowly, tired and kind of lost.

I started to work…I had a little headache. And I was thinking of that song

I could live a little better with the myths and the lies,
When the darkness broke in, I just broke down and cried.
I could live a little in a wider line,
When the change is gone, when the urge is gone,
To lose control. When here we come.

Joy Division “She Lost Control” 1978